INGO: Joke of the day page

[SavageEagle]

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for20a stroll in town one day. As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

" First Place !" said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio enters.

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the heck is Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.

 

[Turn Key]

**THE JOURNEY OF MAN**

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a
girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no
passion, so I decided
I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too
emotional.

Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen,
cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl
with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was
boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about
anything. Life became so
dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some
excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't
keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on
anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as
happy. She was
great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless... So I decided
to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with
her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so
ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and now I am
looking for a girl with big ****.


TK

 

[jennybird]

Never argue with a woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"For reading a book," she replies,

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again,

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

 

[Roadie]

A mother worries that her teenage daughter is having sex and might get pregnant, so she consults several parenting websites for advice.

Later that evening, as her daughter prepares for a date, the mother sits down to talk with her. "I know you are adult enough to make the right decision about your body. But I want you to please try to abstain from sex until you're married. If you must have sex, then please use protection."

Feeling proud of herself for being so pro-active, the mother hands her daughter a box of condoms.

The daughter laughs and hugs her mother. "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating a girl!"

 

[Bubba]

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

 

[izzygrace]

good stuff

why are gun guys always so funny?

 

[NFANut]

why are gun guys always so funny?

OK, we give up... Why?

 

[mettle]

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

 

[Turn Key]

Polish women are tough!

An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the
agonies of
Impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite
pierogi with
Fried onions wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the
Bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen,
Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already
in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen
table
were hundreds of his
Favorite pierogi.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of
sixty
Years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a
crumpled posture.
His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi
was already in his youth.
With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the
table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
"Back off!" she said. "Those are for the funeral."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




TK

 

[Roadie]

Prison Mail

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."

The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

 

[Dogman]

Little Tyrone

A teacher in a Detroit, Michigan elementary school asked little Tyrone if he could tell the class what sound a pig makes.
Little Tyrone stood up and said: "UP AGAINST THE WALL MOTHERF**KER!"
I guess there's not to many farms in Detroit........................

 

[jennybird]

A teacher in a Detroit, Michigan elementary school asked little Tyrone if he could tell the class what sound a pig makes.
Little Tyrone stood up and said: "UP AGAINST THE WALL MOTHERF**KER!"
I guess there's not to many farms in Detroit........................

 

[kingnereli]

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

# 10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

# 3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman.

# 1. YOU CAN GET A SILENCER FOR A GUN.

 

[Delmar]

Did you hear about the cat that survived a 26 story fall. To bad it fell from a 27th story balcony!

 

[SavageEagle]

Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

 

[Turn Key]

HILLBILLY BIRTH

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife
went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor
was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no
electricity, the doctor handed the
father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this
high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa
there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a
rush to put that lantern down I think there's another
one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's
another one!' said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No,
don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems
there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked
the doctor…

'You reckon it might be the light that's
attractin' 'em?'



TK

 

[SavageEagle]

The Lie Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.


He asked, "What are those clocks?"



St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you tell a lie, the hands on your clock will move."



"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"



"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."



"Incredible," said the man, "and whose clock is that?"



St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his life."



"Where's President Obama's clock?" asked the man.



"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

 

[Scout]

Little Johnny was in school, and the teacher was teaching math.

"Class, if there are three birds on a fence and I shoot one, how many are left? Johnny?"
"None."
"The answer is two, but why do you say none?"
"If you shoot one, the others will fly away." The teacher thought about this.
"Well. I like the way you think."
"Teacher," Johnny said, "there are three women sitting on a park bench with popsicles. One is licking hers, one is biting hers, and one is sucking hers. Which one is married?"
The teacher was stunned. "Uh, the one sucking hers?"


"No, the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think!"

 

[SavageEagle]

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of
Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your donkeys and camels, and
I will lead you to the promised land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels,
sit on our butts, and light up a camel, this is the promised land."

Now, Obama is going to steal your shovel, kick your butts,
raise the price of camels, and mortgage the promised land.

 

[AllenM]

Global Facts . . ..

At Any Given Moment:





FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now.




FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.


FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.




FACT:
1 old timer is reading emails.