INGO: Joke of the day page

[SavageEagle]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband when he burst into the kitchen.

'Careful, 'he cried, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness! you're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my word! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? they're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him in amazement, 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

 

[SavageEagle]

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny.

"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

 

[SavageEagle]

Little Johnny was in class while the teacher was giving an oral quiz on History. "Who said 'Give me liberty or give me death'" started the teacher. No one answered.

Finally a little Japanese exchange student piped in: "Patrick Henry, 1776"

The teacher was a little miffed that an exchange student would answer and her American students couldn't.

So she tried again: "Four score and seven years ago..." and again no one answered until the little Japanese girl replied: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863".

Again the teacher was miffed. So the teacher gave a challenge, the next right answer would get the rest of the day off.

"F&%# THE JAPS!" was yelled from the back of the room.

"Who said that?!!" screamed the teacher.

Little Johnny replied proudly, "Gen. Douglas McArthur, 1941. See you tomorrow!"

 

[Turn Key]

Some said:

One day there will be a black president.

Others said, “when pigs fly."

In less than 100 days ....................SWINE FLU




TK

 

[MyGlockRocks19]

A guy walks up to the bar, motions the bartender over and says "Hey, I've got a proposition for you....I'll bet you 100 bucks that I can fill a shotglass with ****, all the way to the top, and not spill a drop on your bar."

The bartender looks him over and says "I can't let you do that, its unsanitary!" The man replies..."ok, make it 200 bucks." The bartenders eyebrows go up....he looks around, and the bar is almost deserted anyway, so he says "Alright, but make it quick and remember....not ONE drop!"

The man stands up on the bar as the bartender sets a shotglass in front of him. He unzips...and proceeds to completely wet the bar down with urine. Super soaker style. The bartender yells "Hey man, what the hell are you doing! You just lost 200 bucks, you crazy jackass!"

The man on the bar smirks, and points to another guy sitting on the end of the bar with a shocked expression on his face. "Yeah, I owe you 200 bucks, but I bet THAT guy 600 that you'd let me **** all over your bar."

 

[mikea46996]

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey.............

And you donkey ate my rooster's feet...........

What would you have??????????











YOU WOULD HAVE 2 FEET OF MY COCK IN YOUR ASS!

 

[Benny]

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey.............

And you donkey ate my rooster's feet...........

What would you have??????????











YOU WOULD HAVE 2 FEET OF MY COCK IN YOUR ASS!

Mike, you are slowly but surely making your way making your way towards the status of "resident scumbag."

 

[Timjoebillybob]

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?




a) a 50ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

 

[Plague421]

Wal Mart Diagnosis
​

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours
the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.

He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer then prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant; twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart​

 

[ATM]

President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'

One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.' 'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great loss.'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.. Obama searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and your entire cabinet was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well,' says Johnny , 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss...and it most likely wouldn't be an accident either.'

 

[Turn Key]

There was a guy, Larry, who would go to those big time strip bars in Windsor Canada across from Detroit. He said he would lick a dollar bill and stick it to his nose and have the dancer retrieve it with her butt cheeks, I told him to imagine that bill was once in a drunken homeless guys pants when he pissed himself. I don't know if that stopped him or not from licking $$$.





TK

 

[Turn Key]

Breaking Medical News

[FONT=&quot][/FONT] [FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]An Israeli doctor said to a medical conference, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and have him looking for work in six weeks!"

The German doctor stood up and said, "Well medicine in my county is so advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work on 4 weeks"

The Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced, we can remove half of a heart from one person, put it into another and have them both looking for work in just 2 weeks!"

Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and addressed the conference, "Well", he said, "my country is so far advanced in medicine, we can take an arse hole out of Chicago, put him in the White House, and have half the country looking for work in 24 hours!"




TK

 

[mikea46996]

An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?

The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!

He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.

 

[RogerB]

LION TAMER

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, old retired golfer in his late 60's and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The Circus Owners jaw is on the floor.. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way."

 

[SavageEagle]

A Harley rider is passing the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life." The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... so, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:

"U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."

 

[Caleb]

^^^ that's not funny, because it really does happen

 

[SavageEagle]

Ok, let me not apologize but offer this in compensation!

____________

A cowboy named Bud was watching his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Idaho when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds he gets an e-mail on his Palm Piolt that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, gets a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on, amused, as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks for a second and says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a congressman for the U.S. government," says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing," said the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows … this is a herd of sheep.

"Now give me back my dog."

 

[Mr.Hoppes]

Navy Retirement

Navy Retirement

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "from the tip of my weenie to my
testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

Oh Man!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied... "Vietnam."

 

[Mr.Hoppes]

comeback

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion Of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.

 

[SavageEagle]

Spam got you down? Check this out!

Spamusement! Poorly-drawn cartoons inspired by actual spam subject lines!