INGO: Joke of the day page

[halfmileharry]

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

As soon as I read the first sentence I thought this was turning into an Irsay/Colts thread.

 

[ArcadiaGP]

Two deer walk out of a gay bar.

One turns to the other and says, "Man, I can't believe I just blew 30 bucks in there."










get it?

because the drinks are expensive.

Surprised they made it out alive. Those kinds of bars tend to attract bears.

 

[AmmoManAaron]

Two deer walk out of a gay bar.

One turns to the other and says, "Man, I can't believe I just blew 30 bucks in there."










get it?

because the drinks are expensive.

Surprised they made it out alive. Those kinds of bars tend to attract bears.

 

[actaeon277]

 

[EPeter213]

I admit it.. I groaned.

 

[Bigtanker]

I admit it.. I groaned.

Right. The title doesn't say "funny" Joke of the Day.

 

[actaeon277]

I admit it.. I groaned.

Right. The title doesn't say "funny" Joke of the Day.

I suddenly have the urge to post more of them now.

 

[ArcadiaGP]

Classic, with many variations.


A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."

He continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No."

"Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."

"But ya **** one goat.."

 

[actaeon277]

 

[spencer rifle]

They also have some nasty gunboats:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nasty-type_patrol_boat

 

[ArcadiaGP]

edit: wrong thread

 

[actaeon277]

A Soldier in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a MARINE joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 pounds, and I'm a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225 pounds, and he's a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6'5", weighs 250 pounds, and he's also a MARINE. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The Soldier says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."

 

[Bigtanker]

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.

 

[Cameramonkey]

Tanker reminds me of a good one.

After years of a wife's protests about her husband disappearing for entire weekends during deer season, the husband finally said "if you want to go, grab your gear and come on. What? You dont have any gear? Sorry!" And with that he walked out the door for the weekend.

So as he hunted, she went to town and geared up. A new rifle, hunting clothes, license, etc.

The next saturday AM at 0-dark-thirty when his alarm went off, she was already dressed, sitting at the table drinking coffee. He asked her why she was up so early, and she said she was going with him, and pointed at her pile of gear. He sighed, knowing he had no choice, and told her to get in the truck.

They got to the site, and he walked her to his tree stand. He got her all set up and told her that if she had any problems, fire 3 shots in the air, and he would come.

He went over the ridge and had a seat at the base of a tree about a quarter mile away. And he waited. Several hours passed. Eventually he heard a shot coming from her direction. "no biggie, she probably saw something and took a random shot."

A few minutes later, another shot. Then another. He decided to go check it out.

He came over the ridge to see his wife in the tree stand pointing her rifle at a man with his hands up. The next thing he hears is "GET AWAY FROM MY DAMNED DEER!!!!" from his wife. As he gets closer she says "I said, GET BACK!!!". And then the man with his hands up yells back. "OK, LADY! YOU CAN HAVE THE DAMNED HORSE! JUST LET ME GET MY SADDLE OFF OF IT AND I'LL GO!"

 

[Libertarian01]

Finally, it all makes sense:



I saw this today and everything became clear...

Doug

PS - I couldn't make this up if I tried.

 

[actaeon277]

 

[Bigtanker]

It's impossible for a vampire to sit back and think about his decisions he has made.

Yep.

He can't reflect.

 

[actaeon277]

 

[actaeon277]

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

 

[ArcadiaGP]

Why is Kevin Spacey so bad at Hide and Seek? He comes out at the wrong time.

Why does Kevin Spacey never get first place in races? Because he likes to come in a little behind.

I was saddened when I heard Hevin Spacey may be a child molester. I always liked him..... Turns out he stopped liking me 2 decades ago.