INGO: Joke of the day page

[halfmileharry]

A man and a woman were sitting next to each other on a plane.
The woman sneezed, took out a Kleenex and gently wiped her nose all the while shuddering noticeably for 10-15 seconds.
This went on over and over until the man leaned over and asked the woman if she was alright.
She answered and apologized letting him know she has a medical condition. Every time she sneezes she has an orgasm.
He asked her if she was taking anything for it and she nods and says... "Pepper"

 

[sharkey]

I only drink alcohol on 2 occasions: When it's my birthday and when it's not.

 

[actaeon277]

 

[historian]

I was at the store the other day. Someone put gum in front of the pastries.


It was a total Eclipse of the tarts.

 

[Bigtanker]

What kind of underwear should you wear during an eclipse?


Fruit of the Moon!

 

[actaeon277]

 

[actaeon277]

 

[Ballstater98]

View attachment 58412

 

[actaeon277]

 

[Bigtanker]

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?



Because it was stuck in a crack.

 

[Ericpwp]

[video=youtube_share;HsT821hxRtg]http://youtu.be/HsT821hxRtg[/video]

 

[halfmileharry]

How to tell that you've grown up...
All your house plants are alive and healthy and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin bed is hard work.
You keep more food in the fridge than beer.
You get up at 6:00am instead of going to bed.
You hear your favorite songs in an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
You cut your vacation time from 150 days to 7.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up"
Older relatives are comfortable telling dirty jokes around you.
You're the azzhat calling the cops 'cause the little )*^%(*$ SOBs next door won't turn down the stereo.
You have no clue to what time Taco Bell closes.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog actual dog food instead of fast food left overs.
Sleeping on the couch hurts your back.
You take naps.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of just the start of one.
Eating a basket of hot wings at 3:00am would tear up your stomach instead of settling it down.
You go to the drug store for antacids and ibuprofen instead of condoms and pregnancy tests.
A $4 bottle of wine no longer qualifies as "pretty good ****"
You eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
I just can't drink the way I used to replaces... "I'm never going to drink again"
90% of your time in front of the computer is for work.
You drink at home to save money instead of going to a bar.
You read this entire list desperately looking for one sign that does't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you send this to a bunch of old friends you know will understand it.

 

[JollyMon]

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I wouldn't pay 20 dollars for a garbanzo bean on my chest.

 

[actaeon277]

 

[jamil]

That's because there's no Kindergarten in the Star Wars Universe. People would also know how to google turning on the headlights of any rental car if we would just get rid of Kindergarten.

 

[Lebowski]

My joke of the day:


Antifa.

 

[AmmoManAaron]

My joke of the day:


Antifa.

Their ideology may be a joke, but never underestimate your enemy. Their kind killed millions of people in the 20th century, usually their fellow countrymen.

 

[actaeon277]

 

[daddyusmaximus]

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story, all I can think about is how I can’t wait for them to finish.


Then I can tell my own story, which not only is better, but also more directly involves me.

 

[ArcadiaGP]

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."