Little Johnny came home from school, excited to tell mom and dad about his new favorite animal, the elephant. Dad says, "Johnny, if you're good and do what mom & I tell you, we can go see a real live elephant this weekend." Little Johnny behaved, and on Saturday he got to go meet the real live elephant. Dad said, "Johnny, I'm going to go get some peanuts so you and Mr Elephant can be friends." After dad left, Johnny pointed to the elephant and said, "Mom, what's that big thing there on the elephant?" Mom said, "Honey, that's his trunk." "No, Mom, I know what his trunk is. I mean that big thing on the other side." "Oh, sweetie, that's his tail." "No, Mom, I know what the tail is. I mean the big, huge thing hanging down between his legs." Blushing, mom said, "Oh, Johnny, that's nothing to worry about." Just then dad returned. After feeding the elephant some peanuts, Johnny said, "Dad, there's a big huge grey thing on the elephant. It's not his trunk, and it's not his tail. It's that thing between his legs." Dad says, "Why, son, that's his penis." Confused, Jonny says, "But Dad, Mommy said it's nothing to worry about." Smiling, Dad wrapped his arm around his wife says, "Son, that's because your mother has been spoiled."
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Be sure to read this post! Beware of scammers. https://www.indianagunowners.com/threads/classifieds-new-online-payment-guidelines-rules-paypal-venmo-zelle-etc.511734/
INGO: Joke of the day page
- Thread starter FordMan08
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I'll post a multimedia version.
And you get a bonus of awesome guitar song(s). (wait for it. Jokes are in the middle)
[video=youtube;-UUvuW0NbLQ]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UUvuW0NbLQ[/video]
And you get a bonus of awesome guitar song(s). (wait for it. Jokes are in the middle)
[video=youtube;-UUvuW0NbLQ]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UUvuW0NbLQ[/video]
A man and his wife are out driving, and get pulled over by a police officer.
The husband, who is the one behind the wheel, asks, “What’s the problem, officer?”
Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”
Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.” (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”
Man: “Oh, this? I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.”
The man turns to his wife and yells, “Shut your mouth!”
The officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”
Wife: “No, only when he’s drunk.”
The husband, who is the one behind the wheel, asks, “What’s the problem, officer?”
Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”
Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.” (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”
Man: “Oh, this? I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.”
The man turns to his wife and yells, “Shut your mouth!”
The officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”
Wife: “No, only when he’s drunk.”
myhightechsec
Sharpshooter
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old."
Well . . . you'll love this one.
My name is Rose. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Signal Village high school.
"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1989. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!!!!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that
ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled faced,
gray-haired,
decrepit,
idiot,
asked,
"What subject did you teach"?
Well . . . you'll love this one.
My name is Rose. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Signal Village high school.
"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1989. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!!!!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that
ugly,
old,
bald,
wrinkled faced,
gray-haired,
decrepit,
idiot,
asked,
"What subject did you teach"?
- Jan 12, 2012
- 27,286
- 113
[FONT=&]I was walking down the street today when breakdown truck driver pulled up alongside me and said, "Excuse me, I'm looking for the accident site involving a van carrying a load of cutlery."[/FONT][FONT=&]"No problem," I said. "Go straight down this road for 1 mile, then take the first left, and when you get to the fork in the road you're there."[/FONT]
- Jan 12, 2012
- 27,286
- 113
Bill had worked in a pickle factory for several years. He was an exemplary worker, but he had a problem.
One day he confessed to his wife that he had a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he go see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vowed to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home, his face absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, “What’s wrong, Bill?”
Bill replies, “Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
His wife gasps, “My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No Bill, I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, um, she got fired, too.”
One day he confessed to his wife that he had a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he go see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vowed to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home, his face absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, “What’s wrong, Bill?”
Bill replies, “Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
His wife gasps, “My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No Bill, I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, um, she got fired, too.”
- Jan 12, 2012
- 27,286
- 113
A man bought a new BMW and decided to go on a drive in the country. He approached a place where there was water standing in the road and also noticed a farmer working on a fence. He put the window down and said to the farmer, "Is this water deep?"
"No, it isn't," replied the farmer.
The man put the window back up, attempted to drive through the water, and sunk the car. He crawled out the sunroof and yelled at the farmer, " I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS WATER WASN'T DEEP!"
"I thought it wasn't," replied the farmer. Holding his hands a couple of inches apart, he continued, "It only came up to here on my ducks."
"No, it isn't," replied the farmer.
The man put the window back up, attempted to drive through the water, and sunk the car. He crawled out the sunroof and yelled at the farmer, " I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS WATER WASN'T DEEP!"
"I thought it wasn't," replied the farmer. Holding his hands a couple of inches apart, he continued, "It only came up to here on my ducks."
Men's Help Line
"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
I went to a country club with a friend yesterday. It was the first time I've ever had a caddy. On the 9th hole, I put my first 3 shots in the drink. I looked at my caddy and told him I'm going to go join my balls in the lake and drown myself. His reply was "No you won't. You can't keep your head down that long."
A man was sipping on a delicious beer in bar, when he suddenly saw a woman with the most perfect breasts he’d ever seen.
He gathered his courage, walked up to her and said, “Ma’am, your breasts are amazing. I will pay you $100 if you let me bite them.”
The woman was horrified and began to walk away.
The man caught up to her and said, “Alright, I’ll pay you $1,000 to bite your breasts.”
Still horrified, the woman began to walk away again.
The man caught up to her again and said, “Fine. I’ll pay you $10,000 to bite your breasts, and not a penny more.”
The woman thought that $10,000 would be worth the trouble, so she finally agreed.
They went into a bathroom together. The woman took off her shirt and bra, revealing her perfect breasts. The man then began to touch, squeeze, fondle, poke, and do everything to the woman’s breasts EXCEPT bite them.
After 5 minutes the woman said, “Well, are you gonna bite them or not?!”
The man replied, “Nah, too expensive.”
He gathered his courage, walked up to her and said, “Ma’am, your breasts are amazing. I will pay you $100 if you let me bite them.”
The woman was horrified and began to walk away.
The man caught up to her and said, “Alright, I’ll pay you $1,000 to bite your breasts.”
Still horrified, the woman began to walk away again.
The man caught up to her again and said, “Fine. I’ll pay you $10,000 to bite your breasts, and not a penny more.”
The woman thought that $10,000 would be worth the trouble, so she finally agreed.
They went into a bathroom together. The woman took off her shirt and bra, revealing her perfect breasts. The man then began to touch, squeeze, fondle, poke, and do everything to the woman’s breasts EXCEPT bite them.
After 5 minutes the woman said, “Well, are you gonna bite them or not?!”
The man replied, “Nah, too expensive.”
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra."
"What does your wife look like?" asks the young man.
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra."
"What does your wife look like?" asks the young man.
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
An elderly couple goes to their doctor to ask what they can do to improve their short term memory.
“Forgetfulness is common at your age. Just get into the habit of writing down the things you need to do and then it won’t be so easy to forget.”
Later that evening, the couple settles down to watch some TV when the husband gets up from his chair and starts to leave the room.
“Where are you going?” his wife asks.
“I’m just going to get a bowl of ice cream from the kitchen. Would you like some?”
“Oh that would be nice.”, the wife replies, “But, remember what the doctor said? Maybe you should write it down so you won’t forget.”
The husband becomes slightly irritated at her comment and says, “I think I can remember 2 bowls of ice cream.”
“OK.”, she says, but adds, “Do you think you could add some chocolate syrup to the top of mine? Maybe you should write it down.”
“I think I can remember 2 bowls of ice cream and to put chocolate syrup on top of one.”
“OK.”, she answers, “Then do you think maybe you could add some nuts, too? I love peanuts on my ice cream. Maybe you should write it down.”
The husband starts getting irritated. “I think I can remember 2 bowls of ice cream and to put chocolate syrup and nuts on the top of one of them.”
“OK. OK. No need to get upset. I was just trying to help.”, she says, then adds, “Oh. do you know what sounds REALLY good? To add some whipped cream and a cherry to the top. Now, that is a lot to remember. You really should write it down.”
“I think I can remember 2 bowls of ice cream with chocolate syrup, nuts, a cherry, and some whipped cream on top of one of them!”, the husband responds angrily and storms off into the kitchen.
Twenty minutes go by and the wife starts becoming anxious, wondering what is taking her husband so long in the kitchen when he suddenly enters the room with 2 plates of bacon and eggs.
“See! I told you you should have written it down!”, she shouts, “You forgot the toast!”
“Forgetfulness is common at your age. Just get into the habit of writing down the things you need to do and then it won’t be so easy to forget.”
Later that evening, the couple settles down to watch some TV when the husband gets up from his chair and starts to leave the room.
“Where are you going?” his wife asks.
“I’m just going to get a bowl of ice cream from the kitchen. Would you like some?”
“Oh that would be nice.”, the wife replies, “But, remember what the doctor said? Maybe you should write it down so you won’t forget.”
The husband becomes slightly irritated at her comment and says, “I think I can remember 2 bowls of ice cream.”
“OK.”, she says, but adds, “Do you think you could add some chocolate syrup to the top of mine? Maybe you should write it down.”
“I think I can remember 2 bowls of ice cream and to put chocolate syrup on top of one.”
“OK.”, she answers, “Then do you think maybe you could add some nuts, too? I love peanuts on my ice cream. Maybe you should write it down.”
The husband starts getting irritated. “I think I can remember 2 bowls of ice cream and to put chocolate syrup and nuts on the top of one of them.”
“OK. OK. No need to get upset. I was just trying to help.”, she says, then adds, “Oh. do you know what sounds REALLY good? To add some whipped cream and a cherry to the top. Now, that is a lot to remember. You really should write it down.”
“I think I can remember 2 bowls of ice cream with chocolate syrup, nuts, a cherry, and some whipped cream on top of one of them!”, the husband responds angrily and storms off into the kitchen.
Twenty minutes go by and the wife starts becoming anxious, wondering what is taking her husband so long in the kitchen when he suddenly enters the room with 2 plates of bacon and eggs.
“See! I told you you should have written it down!”, she shouts, “You forgot the toast!”
Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight.
“I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed Hillary.
After some cajoling, the president's assistant agreed to wake up President Trump.
“So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled Trump.
“Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg just died, and I want to take her place,” begged Hillary.
“Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary,” replied the president.
“I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed Hillary.
After some cajoling, the president's assistant agreed to wake up President Trump.
“So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled Trump.
“Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg just died, and I want to take her place,” begged Hillary.
“Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary,” replied the president.
83 year old Selma calls the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.
“Hello, I’d like to place an obituary,” she says.
“Okay, I’m ready,” the editor who is manning the obit desk says.
“Leon Schwartz, beloved husband of Selma Schwartz, father of Becky and Morris and grandfather of —“
“Umm, Mrs. Schwartz. I’m sorry to interrupt, but I failed to mention the fee. The first five words are free. After that it’s two dollars per word.”
Selma Schwartz thinks for a moment, then says, “Okay, then make it read, ‘Schwartz died. Buick for sale.’”
“Hello, I’d like to place an obituary,” she says.
“Okay, I’m ready,” the editor who is manning the obit desk says.
“Leon Schwartz, beloved husband of Selma Schwartz, father of Becky and Morris and grandfather of —“
“Umm, Mrs. Schwartz. I’m sorry to interrupt, but I failed to mention the fee. The first five words are free. After that it’s two dollars per word.”
Selma Schwartz thinks for a moment, then says, “Okay, then make it read, ‘Schwartz died. Buick for sale.’”
After 37 years of marriage, the wife and her husband*were very happy together, but their sex life was conspicuously absent. One night as they were lying in bed watching TV, the woman suddenly felt her husband touching her in a way that he hadn’t for a long time.
It almost tickled as his hand touched her neck, and then slowly wandered down to her waist. He caressed her neck, grazed her breast, then traveled further down, to rest on her lower belly.
He then continued up along the inside of her arm, along her left side, once again grazing her breast, lightly touching her behind, then her inner thigh, coming to rest on her upper thigh. He then repeated the procedure, this time on her right side.
Suddenly he stopped, rolled over and started watching the TV.
As she had become quite aroused by his caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful, dear. Why did you stop?”
He then replies absent-mindedly, “I finally found the remote!”
It almost tickled as his hand touched her neck, and then slowly wandered down to her waist. He caressed her neck, grazed her breast, then traveled further down, to rest on her lower belly.
He then continued up along the inside of her arm, along her left side, once again grazing her breast, lightly touching her behind, then her inner thigh, coming to rest on her upper thigh. He then repeated the procedure, this time on her right side.
Suddenly he stopped, rolled over and started watching the TV.
As she had become quite aroused by his caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful, dear. Why did you stop?”
He then replies absent-mindedly, “I finally found the remote!”
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