INGO: Joke of the day page

[patience0830]

That's one of those, "Didja ever make love to a sheep and get enough? " jokes.

 

[jamil]

That's one of those, "Didja ever make love to a sheep and get enough? " jokes.

Sometimes the simple yes/no answer isn't enough.

 

[daddyusmaximus]

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch tools from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from electricity pole across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little ****'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for animal shelter to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in bacon or stick in piece of hot dog.
2. Feed to dog, JOB DONE !!!

 

[HubertGummer]

^^^ ^^^

 

[Bill of Rights]

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch tools from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from electricity pole across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take second to last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little ****'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Go to reloading bench. Obtain appropriately-sized casing, place primer and correct powder charge, seat pill in casing and load completed cartridge into whichever firearm will do the job.
16. Cut bottom off of empty pill bottle, insert resulting hollow tube into cat's mouth, secure with duct tape. Blast pill into the furrball's stomach. Ignore any blood: All bleeding eventually stops.
17. Arrange for animal shelter to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in bacon or stick in piece of hot dog.
2. Feed to dog, JOB DONE !!!

My edits above in red. Intentionally not in purple.

Blessings,
Bill

 

[ArcadiaGP]

Bragging about big boobs when you're fat is like bragging about having days off when you're unemployed.

 

[Woobie]

Bill, I thought the original was pretty good. But you definitely improved on it.

 

[jamil]

Why would anyone in their right mind want to give a cat a pill? Nature's trying to do you a favor and yer trying to mess that up by healing the thing.

 

[Bigtanker]

Why would anyone in their right mind want to give a cat a pill? Nature's trying to do you a favor and yer trying to mess that up by healing the thing.

TRUTH

 

[ArcadiaGP]

[sub]trigger warning[/sub]

I like my women how I like my whiskey.
12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

 

[Bill of Rights]

Why would anyone in their right mind want to give a cat a pill? Nature's trying to do you a favor and yer trying to mess that up by healing the thing.

TRUTH

 

[rhino]

Why would anyone in their right mind want to give a cat a pill? Nature's trying to do you a favor and yer trying to mess that up by healing the thing.

 

[rhino]

 

[daddyusmaximus]

Bragging about big boobs when you're fat is like bragging about having days off when you're unemployed.

OK, now that's funny. Cold blooded, but funny.

 

[daddyusmaximus]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

 

[hoosierdaddy1976]

Bragging about big boobs when you're fat is like bragging about having days off when you're unemployed.

You have a point, but I'm still going fishing on a Wednesday.

 

[daddyusmaximus]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

 

[Ballstater98]

Go to Home Page | O'Reilly Auto Parts and in the search, type: 121G

 

[pilotof727s]

Go to Home Page | O'Reilly Auto Parts and in the search, type: 121G

Looks like they are on backorder.

 

[sharkey]

Go to Home Page | O'Reilly Auto Parts and in the search, type: 121G

Clearly a joke. They misspelled "jiggawatts".