INGO: Joke of the day page

[Bill of Rights]

No, ye landlubber!!

A pirate's favorite letter be none other than the C!

What is a pirate's favorite letter?

R

What's his second favorite?

I

 

[hoosierdoc]

A proctologist's favorite DOS command?

c:enter

 

[sharkey]

Reminds me of a tale of Cheeks Whiskey, frontier proctologist:

One afternoon, Cheeks was examining a patient and having illumination trouble. He called to his assistant, "Nurse, please bring me a light."

After a couple of minutes, his assistant walked in and handed him a beer.

Cheeks looked at her and exclaimed, "No, I meant a butt light!"

 

[Cameramonkey]

An elderly gentleman was sitting in his doctors office.

He said to the doctor. Doc, I think my wife has Alzheimers or an STD. What do I do?

The doctor thought for a few minutes and said " Take her out for a drive in the country. When you get far out into the country, kick her out of the car and drive off. If she finds her way back home, don't F*** her."

 

[IndyTom]

But why did seven eat nine?

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

Never heard before. Definitely approve.

 

[historian]

I love spoiling the ending to The Picture of Dorian Grey.

It never gets old!

 

[MCgrease08]

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when a friend of a friend, Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood.

Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together. They left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

 

[daddyusmaximus]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:

​

“Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up.”

​

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

​

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter:
“Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
“Training for a position in United States Senate. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”

 

[ArcadiaGP]

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up."

Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor...I am Pagliacci.”

the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that

 

[Cameramonkey]

A Priest, a Democrat, and a Marine find themselves surrounded by cannibals after surviving a helicopter crash. The cannibal chief says "I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is we're going to kill you and make canoes out of your skins. The good news is you can choose how you want die.


The Priest ask for a gun and shoots himself in the head. The Democrat asks for poison that kills him instantly. Last, the Marine asks for a fork. The cannibal chief gives the Marine a confused look and asks, "a fork?" But he gives him the fork anyway.


Then, the Marine begins stabbing himself all over his body. The cannibal chief looks at him in shock and yells, "what are you doing!?" The Marine looks the chief straight in the eye and yells, "F*** YOUR CANOE!"

 

[jamil]

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up."

Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor...I am Pagliacci.”

Man. That could go in the sad-but-true thread.

 

[JollyMon]

Did you know Stephen Hawkings is a very paranoid man?

Yeah, He is always looking over his shoulder.

 

[IndyTom]

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up."

Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor...I am Pagliacci.”

Someone watch Watchmen recently?

 

[sharkey]

Someone watch Watchmen recently?

I'm not the only one who heard Rorschach reading that, am I?

 

[hoosierdoc]

Grammar pick up line: girl you must be a simile 'cause I sho like yo azz

 

[patience0830]

Grammar pick up line: girl you must be a simile 'cause I sho like yo azz

OK. Took me a second, but I LOL'd.

 

[Tanfodude]

An elderly wife from Montana had an appointment with her doctor to ask for advice on how to treat her husband’s lack of sex drive.
“Have you tried Viagra?” the doctor asked.
“Not a chance,” the old lady replied, “he doesn’t even take aspirin.”
“Not a problem,” the doctor replied, “just give him some Montana Viagra.”
“What’s Montana Viagra?”
“It’s simple. You discretely put the Viagra into his coffee when he’s not looking. He won’t be able to taste it. Try it out and get back to me in a week and tell me about the results.”
A week later, the old lady called the doctor.
“Oh my lord!” she wailed, “Terrible! Just terrible.”
“Really? What happened?” the doctor replied.
“I did as you told me, I put the pill into the coffee, and the effect was immediate… he flew up from the chair, and his eyes were positively smoldering. With a quick motion he swept all the cups and the tablecloth from the table, ripped my clothes off and took me then and there on the table. It was a nightmare I tell you, a nightmare.”
“Oh, I see, but why was it so bad, shouldn’t this be a good thing?” the doctor asked in a worried tone.
“Oh yes, this was the best thing to happen to me in 25 years! But I can tell you right now, I will never be able to show my face in the downtown Starbucks again!”

 

[halfmileharry]

I hope this is the right place to post a service announcement. Mods feel free to move if appropriate...

Never trust a woman that doesn't fart. You'll never know what else she's holding back.

 

[Tanfodude]

Steve invites his mother over for dinner. During the dinner, his mother can’t help but notice that Steve’s roommate Peter is very tall and handsome. She had long suspected that the two of them were more than roommates, so she asked her son if they were a couple.
But Steve denies it, and reassures his mother that they’re just roommates and nothing more.
A week later, Peter tells Steve:
“Do you know where the nice silver soup ladle is? It’s been missing since your mom was over for dinner. You don’t think she’s taken it, do you?”
Steve didn’t think so, but to be sure he sent his mother an email;
“Dear mom, I’m not saying that you ‘stole’ or ‘didn’t steal’ our soup ladle, but it’s been gone ever since you were over for dinner. Love, Steve”
A few days later he gets a reply from his mother:
“Dear Steve, I’m not saying that you’re ‘sleeping’ or ‘not sleeping’ with Peter, but if he would have slept in his own bed, then he would have found the soup ladle a long time ago. Love, Mom”

 

[Hoosierkav]

^ The joke has been updated for the 21st century.

Before, Steve's roommate was Paula, and she was pretty.