INGO: Joke of the day page

[ArcadiaGP]

A woman decided to treat herself to a face-lift for her birthday.

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35,"he replied.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.

He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."

Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

 

[jamil]

A woman decided to treat herself to a face-lift for her birthday.

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35,"he replied.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.

He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."

Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Eh, it's just locker room banter.


But I lol'd.

 

[AmmoManAaron]

A woman decided to treat herself to a face-lift for her birthday.

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35,"he replied.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.

He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."

Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Darn it GP, now you'll never get to be President.

 

[Doug]

Darn it GP, now you'll never get to be President.

He will if he's a Democrat. Oh, wait, that belongs in the Sad, But True section.

 

[Ericpwp]

It was better when the old lady in my mother-in-law's kitting group told it.

 

[ArcadiaGP]

The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him.

The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

 

[hoosierdoc]

The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him.

The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

reported. It's not my fault your cholesterol is so high

 

[jamil]

reported. It's not my fault your cholesterol is so high

Sounds like it's too late doc.

 

[chef larry]

The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him.

The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

 

[target64]

[FONT=&amp]A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated:[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]“You must be single.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single.

[/FONT][FONT=&amp]She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status.[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]Curiosity getting the better of her, she said:[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]“Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]The drunk replied:[/FONT]
[FONT=&amp]“Cuz you’re ugly.”[/FONT]

 

[Southbendfamily]

now that is laugh out loud funny. well done!

 

[ArcadiaGP]

363 days until Christmas, and my neighbor already has his lights up

 

[rhino]

A Frenchman, a German, and an Irishman order shots in a bar. A fly lands in each of their glasses.

The Frenchman says, "Mon Dieu! I cannot drink this!"

The German flicks the fly out of the glass and downs the shot.

The Irishman grabs the fly by the throat and says, "SPIT IT OUT!"

(Courtesy of "Crossfire Trail")

 

[ArcadiaGP]

What do you call a soldier that survived mustard gas in battle, and pepper spray by police?






A seasoned veteran.

 

[Ballstater98]

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?



The p is silent.

 

[Bill of Rights]

INGO joke of the day?

OK.

Meryl Streep.

No one said it had to be funny.

 

[JollyMon]

A man walks into a bar and sees three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy doesnt know whats going on so he asks the bartender "whats up with that meat hanging up there?"

The bartender replys... "well, we have a bet going on.... If you can jump up and slap one of those pieces of meat, you get free drinks the rest of the night.... however, if you miss, you have to buy a round for everyone in here."

The guys sits and thinks for a minute and shakes his head..."I cant do it, those steaks are too high!"

 

[Bigtanker]

Browsing Ebay, I spotted an old radio for sale. Price was $2. But the ad stated the volume is stuck all the way up.

I thought to myself "I can't turn it down."

 

[sharkey]

Browsing Ebay, I spotted an old radio for sale. Price was $2. But the ad stated the volume is stuck all the way up.

I thought to myself "I can turn it down."

 

[Doug]

Should be, "I can't turn that down;" proofreading is important.