Military BS Stories or the last liar wins.

[johntheplinker]

Stationed in Bad Hersfeld in the early 80s and had a similar experience. A Captain of dubious quality had us on the wrong side of those blue and white posts too. Little touchy for a while, considering it was just shortly after an East German heli crash.

We may have been in Germany at the same time. My first time was Apr 82 to Nov 84. Should have just been 2 years but I extended to do M1 transition. 3rd Plt, G Trp 2/2 ACR

Another one that is funny but gross.
When we were on FTX on the countryside we were required to stop maneuvers at a certain time for the safety of the locals. We'd lager up, refuel, get some chow and pull maint on the tracks. If you had a good Plt Ldr he'd find a town to do this at, we'd visit the local gasthaus, have a beer or 2 and chip in for a room so we'd could get a shower. If your Plt Ldr was a dick they'd stop you where ever and have to rough it.
Any way, the Plt Ldr for 1st Plt was a hard charger and would go out of his way to make things rougher than they needed to be on his troops. One evening they set up near a farm, had the tank section right in the farm buildings in a defensive position. One of the tanks was sitting on this nice concrete pad next to the barn. They were getting chow when there was a loud crack and all of a sudden this tank was in a hull defilade position. Of course everybody went to see what happened. The tank was sitting track deep in manure. The concrete pad was the cover for the farmer's manure containment system!
Took 2 M88s and better part of the day to get it out. The engine compartment was full, the interior was full, one hell of a mess. The crew spent days scrubbing it out with about every cleaning product known to man but never could completely get rid of the smell. Even months later when the weather was damp you could smell the fertilizer just walking by it.

Same Lt had staff duty one night and decided to inspect the guards at the ammo dump. Instead of just driving up to the gate he thought he'd be sneaky and go through the woods and climb the fence. He got tangled in the concertina on top of the fence, guards saw him and knowing his reputation they left him there for a couple of hours. Finally got him out all cut up and suffering from hypothermia. He didn't come back after he was released for Nuremberg hospital.

 

[Alamo]

Actaeon and his bombs reminds me: Eskan Village, near Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. There were two entrances to Eskan, one for semi-truck deliveries, one for passenger vehicles. The passenger vehicle checkpoint had a pretty thorough vehicle check: passengers had to exit the vehicle, the driver drove it up on ramps, a Security Forces guy on a crawler checked underneath, then drive down, get out and sit on a bench while some other SF's hand-searched the entire vehicle. Also dogs to sniff out explosives.

One day the SFs asked me if they could use my vehicle for a test drill. I said sure, sat down on the bench and watched. First they put about five exercise bombs in various places on my vehicle. Pipebomb, C-4-looking thing, various shapes and types. Glove box, wheel well, between cushions in the seat, spare tire. under seat.

Then they brought in another crew of SFs that had been kept out of sight. They went through the vehicle, the hand crew found the bombs. I can't remember if they missed one or the eval guys put one back in, but anyway at the end they brought in a German Shepard looking dog.

The dog was going nuts. He could already smell something, and he was dancing and twisting around. You'da thought there was bacon hidden in the vehicle. The handler started pointing to the where he wanted the dog to check and Rover was going crazy, jumped inside the vehicle in one bound, head swinging all directions, sniffing everything in sight.

They got to the rear wheel well where I knew there was a exercise pipe bomb shoved up inside. The dog went berserk and jammed his head in between the tire and fender, grabbed the pipe bomb in his teeth, jerked it out and threw it on the ground at his handler's feet.

All the SFs got big-eyed and shouted "WHOA! BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

 

[deo62]

We may have been in Germany at the same time. My first time was Apr 82 to Nov 84. Should have just been 2 years but I extended to do M1 transition. 3rd Plt, G Trp 2/2 ACR

Another one that is funny but gross.
When we were on FTX on the countryside we were required to stop maneuvers at a certain time for the safety of the locals. We'd lager up, refuel, get some chow and pull maint on the tracks. If you had a good Plt Ldr he'd find a town to do this at, we'd visit the local gasthaus, have a beer or 2 and chip in for a room so we'd could get a shower. If your Plt Ldr was a dick they'd stop you where ever and have to rough it.
Any way, the Plt Ldr for 1st Plt was a hard charger and would go out of his way to make things rougher than they needed to be on his troops. One evening they set up near a farm, had the tank section right in the farm buildings in a defensive position. One of the tanks was sitting on this nice concrete pad next to the barn. They were getting chow when there was a loud crack and all of a sudden this tank was in a hull defilade position. Of course everybody went to see what happened. The tank was sitting track deep in manure. The concrete pad was the cover for the farmer's manure containment system!
Took 2 M88s and better part of the day to get it out. The engine compartment was full, the interior was full, one hell of a mess. The crew spent days scrubbing it out with about every cleaning product known to man but never could completely get rid of the smell. Even months later when the weather was damp you could smell the fertilizer just walking by it.

Same Lt had staff duty one night and decided to inspect the guards at the ammo dump. Instead of just driving up to the gate he thought he'd be sneaky and go through the woods and climb the fence. He got tangled in the concertina on top of the fence, guards saw him and knowing his reputation they left him there for a couple of hours. Finally got him out all cut up and suffering from hypothermia. He didn't come back after he was released for Nuremberg hospital.

Yep, '83-'86, HOW Bat, 3/11th ACR. Had same Captain call a fire mission in the fog and 6 109 howitzers backed up on their spades on the Autobahn LOL! That was expensive.

 

[Nazgul]

Norfolk Naval Base.
D&S piers (Destroyer and Submarine)
SUBRON 6.

At the entrance to the pier, was a checkpoint, due to the initiation Desert Shield/Storm.
Metal Detectors and X-ray machine. Manned by bored sailors in dungarees.

Sailor behind the desk asked the submariner in front of me, "What's in the bag?"
"A bomb", joked the submariner. Quickly followed by, "OOF!" as a rifle butt buried itself into his gut.
Then a Humvee screeched to a halt. A marine on top pointing his weapon at me.
The sailor behind the desk looks up from the submariner trying to suck some air in, and asks, "What's in YOUR bag?"
"Dirty Underwear. Some books. Feel free to look." Then I mumbled thanks to the smart ass on the ground.
I was also a smart ass.
But.. I figured there's a time and a place.

On an unspecified ship, doing Proficiency Loads with real unspecified BIG weapons. We were always armed with loaded weapons, M14's and me with a radio and 45 (NCO in charge). One of my troops is blowing a whistle which means SHTF. On arrival I find one of my young Marines has a Sailor on the ground at gunpoint, itching to put a round into him. I stabilized the situation, called our CO.

It was a Sailor late to his fire detail which is required for these exercises. CO deflated everything, let the sailor go to work. Rules said the Marine should have shot him.

Don

 

[repeter1977]

Reminds me of coming back from "deployment" to Operation Joint Forge. This was in 2000, so Bosnia had calmed down, and we were mostly stationed out of Hungary anyway. Anyway, on the flight home, they bring around the forms for if you have anything to declare. We are filling them out. They tell us, at least a dozen times, unless you bought a new car or something and have it on the flight, you don't need to declare anything. Well, as we are landing, forms are turned in, everyone is heading through no problem ,nothing to declare (this was like 2 or 3 am too), until that guy goes through. Turns out he wanted to declare somethings. We try to change his mind, give him a new form, he stands firm. Command makes the decision, the call the "on call" Customs guy, wake him up, and have him come on down. Customs guy lives close to the airport he works at, not Fort Hood Air Base. So, command makes the call, Rear D can babysit him and bring him back when Customs is done, the rest of the unit has to turn in the guns and sensitive equipment. Almost 2 hours later, Customs arrives, searches all his bags, goes line by line on the form and chews him out because, go figure, he didn't need to declare anything. We meet up with him the next day and he's upset we abandoned him. Everyone laughs at him because we told him not to, so he left us. Anyway, same guy goes AWOL less than two months later because his overseas girlfriend dumped him for a contractor. He was that guy for the unit.

 

[2A_Tom]

Paragraphs are helpful to reading.

 

[Hawkeye]

Paragraphs are helpful to reading.

You've notice that, too?

 

[2A_Tom]

When I see a blob of text I just skip over it and I hate missing something you may contribute.

 

[johntheplinker]

Yep, '83-'86, HOW Bat, 3/11th ACR. Had same Captain call a fire mission in the fog and 6 109 howitzers backed up on their spades on the Autobahn LOL! That was expensive.

I tell ya, late 83 was an interesting time to have been there, especially after the Korean airliner shoot down.

 

[actaeon277]

Well, this isn't my story... but I just saw it, and liked it, so...


https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/hop...-colin-powell-change-flat-tire-223417323.html
'I hope I never forget today': Veteran who lost leg in Afghanistan helps Colin Powell change his flat tire



The retired four-star general of the United States Army was on his way to an appointment at the Walter Reed military hospital for an exam when the front left tire of his vehicle blew out. Powell, a “car guy,” knew how to change the tire and immediately set to work. However, due to the cold, the lug bolts were extremely tight.
Powell jacked up his car and was working on the stubborn bolts when he realized that a car had pulled over in front of his car, and the man inside was hopeful he could help.
“As the man got out of his car, I could see that he had an artificial leg,” Powell wrote. “He said he recognized me and wanted to help me.”
Powell, 81, learned that the man, a veteran, lost his leg in Afghanistan where he worked as a civilian employee. “He grabbed the lug wrench and finished the job as I put the tools away,” Powell wrote. “Then we both hurriedly headed off to appointments at Walter Reed.” Although Powell didn’t get the man’s name or address to thank him personally, the two did take a selfie together.


More info if you click on the link.

General (retired) Powell is still changing his own tires at 81.

Another veteran helps, and he's missing a leg.

 

[Alamo]

General (retired) Powell is still changing his own tires at 81.

I'm actually not surprised that Powell is changing is own wheels. Nor am I actually surprised that a one-legged veteran civilian stopped to help. Both of these things are "in character."

But I was surprised to read that Powell is 81. What!? He's how old? When did that happen? I'm still remembering him briefing the First Gulf War. If he's 81 then I'm.... Oh.

Feeling a bit ancient.

 

[actaeon277]

I'm actually not surprised that Powell is changing is own wheels. Nor am I actually surprised that a one-legged veteran civilian stopped to help. Both of these things are "in character."

But I was surprised to read that Powell is 81. What!? He's how old? When did that happen? I'm still remembering him briefing the First Gulf War. If he's 81 then I'm.... Oh.

Feeling a bit ancient.

yup
Well, I'm not ancient, but I'm on the way there.

 

[2A_Tom]

You Sir, are a young whipper snapper!

 

[repeter1977]

You Sir, are a young whipper snapper!

As Indiana Jones once said, it's not the years, it's the mileage.

 

[2A_Tom]

Well, He does look like he's been rode hard and put away wet a few times.

 

[KellyinAvon]

August 1993: Young Sgt KellyinAvon is at K-2 Air Base, Taegu ROK. It's August so that means ULCHI FOCUS LENS (now ULCHI FREEDOM GUARDIAN, a big command and control exercise. I don't pick the names...) A bunch from the 353rd SOG (Special Operations Group) out of Okinawa are the "the Gu" for UFL.

For whatever reason they needed a 20' sea-van (conex, container, etc.) moved into the compound where they old command post (there were 27 blue suiters at K-2 then, it was a WRM (War Reserve Materiel) staging base at the time.) was located. We were very small, way too lean for what we did.

The old command post was in a culdesac of sorts. Of course when I roll up on the John Deere all-terrain 10K forklift with 20' sea van a HUGE quad-cab Chevy 3500 with 8' bed (73-87 body style, it was HUGE) is parked in a spot big enough for a Kia. Blocking the road needless to say.

I shut the engine off, spot a 353rd-type and ask if they know who has the keys, need to move it, etc. After saying he knew who had the keys he says, "Why don't you just raise it up and go over the truck?" I thought he was joking, but the blank look stayed on his face. My reply, "That's why I'm up here on the forklift and you're down there on the ground."

Few minutes later, still waiting on key-man, still sitting on the JD 10K AT. Another 353rd type walks up. "Oh cool, our sea van is here!" he says. I say I'm just waiting for the truck to move and I'll get it where they need it. His next words, no ****, he was dead serious, "Why don't you just raise it up and go over the truck?" This was the second time that day I got to use the line, "That's why I'm up here on the forklift and you're down there on the ground."

 

[actaeon277]

As Indiana Jones once said, it's not the years, it's the mileage.

[video=youtube;wwP6kIxf9wc]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwP6kIxf9wc[/video]

 

[actaeon277]

August 1993: Young Sgt KellyinAvon is at K-2 Air Base, Taegu ROK. It's August so that means ULCHI FOCUS LENS (now ULCHI FREEDOM GUARDIAN, a big command and control exercise. I don't pick the names...) A bunch from the 353rd SOG (Special Operations Group) out of Okinawa are the "the Gu" for UFL.

For whatever reason they needed a 20' sea-van (conex, container, etc.) moved into the compound where they old command post (there were 27 blue suiters at K-2 then, it was a WRM (War Reserve Materiel) staging base at the time.) was located. We were very small, way too lean for what we did.

The old command post was in a culdesac of sorts. Of course when I roll up on the John Deere all-terrain 10K forklift with 20' sea van a HUGE quad-cab Chevy 3500 with 8' bed (73-87 body style, it was HUGE) is parked in a spot big enough for a Kia. Blocking the road needless to say.

I shut the engine off, spot a 353rd-type and ask if they know who has the keys, need to move it, etc. After saying he knew who had the keys he says, "Why don't you just raise it up and go over the truck?" I thought he was joking, but the blank look stayed on his face. My reply, "That's why I'm up here on the forklift and you're down there on the ground."

Few minutes later, still waiting on key-man, still sitting on the JD 10K AT. Another 353rd type walks up. "Oh cool, our sea van is here!" he says. I say I'm just waiting for the truck to move and I'll get it where they need it. His next words, no ****, he was dead serious, "Why don't you just raise it up and go over the truck?" This was the second time that day I got to use the line, "That's why I'm up here on the forklift and you're down there on the ground."

Should have picked up the truck and moved it between two immovable objects.

 

[cce1302]

Hey friends, just popping back in.

Just got back to the barracks from about a week and a half of arctic training from our host nation partners. I learned that I'm too old to live in a tent on a mountain in the winter here.

I was relatively uncomfortable for quite a bit of the time out there. A temperature range of roughly -15 to 15 Fahrenheit for 11 days is uncomfortable.

Still haven't seen direct sunlight since mid-november. Getting real close to seeing it now though.

Got to jump into the water on Tuesday through a hole in the ice, then climb out, dry off, and try to get warm again. That hurt my nuts. air was about 15 degrees, water was about 30. painful. I learned that I'll probably just go under if it ever happens outside a training environment.

What amazed me is that there are a lot of guys who adapt to cold a lot better than I do. I lived in either northern Ohio (cleveland area) or SOuth bend for more than 25 years total, but I just can't adapt to cold. My fingers and toes get numb quick. I just have to go to remedial warming actions a lot quicker than the other guys do.

 

[KellyinAvon]

Should have picked up the truck and moved it between two immovable objects.

Oh to have been a contractor back in 93.