Military BS Stories or the last liar wins.

[johntheplinker]

Another one that could have gone bad real fast.
Out on a foot patrol, snow about a foot deep and fog so thick you could barely see your hand in front of your face. We're walking along, and because of the fog the patrol leader decides to get out of the woods and walk down the edge of the road. What he didn't realize is that because of the low visibility we weren't where he thought we were and in fact headed in the wrong direction. So we walk along and come to a clearing thinking we're almost to the road. Go a couple of hundred yards and no road. All of a sudden we come across a fence. A big tall fence. uh oh. About that time the fog lifts a bit and we see the mines on the fence, then the base of a tower on the other side of the fence. Double uh oh. And standing at the bottom of the tower? A half dozen East Germans border troops including an officer. Triple uh oh. Needless to say we hauled it back into the woods and waited for any repercussions to come whizzing by.
Tried calling in to border ops to inform them about what happened but because of the weather we couldn't even get our relay. Back tracked our way out and finally got to the road, found our vehicle then made our way to higher ground where we could get a signal. Were told to stay there, that somebody was on the way to our AO.
Hour or so later the CO and our platoon leader show up. And they were not happy. Informed Sgt. K, the patrol leader, that they were within a couple of minutes of blowing out the reaction force. Then we get a message that somebody else is on the way. So we wait a while and we hear a couple of helicopters. While all this happening the fog is lifting to where we can see the helos when they're about a quarter of a mile out. They land on the hill next to us and out steps the regimental commander and his staff. Quadruple uh oh.
So we all head back into the woods, following our trail to where we find a blue and white pole(how the West Germans marked their side of the border). Then we look where our tracks go and see where they end up next to the fence. Yeah, we were almost 300 yards in East Germany.
Needless to say there were diplomatic protests filed and Sgt K wasn't allowed to lead any border patrols again.

 

[actaeon277]

So, I was in my car, heading down the highway.
My new bride, Meg Ryan was in the passenger seat.
We had just been married, under the space shuttle, on the launch pad.
But then I thought, "Wait a minute. I wouldn't mind actaeon jr. running around in a few years, but I want some time as a couple first."
So I pull over into the parking lot of a drug store.
I reach for the door .....

And a BRIGHT shining light hits me right between the eyes.
A voice says, "Petty Officer Actaeon, time to wake up. You have watch in half an hour."
The privacy curtain to my bunk is pulled back in place, and the light moves on to the next sleeper.

I realize I'm NOT married to Meg Ryan.
I am NOT going on my honeymoon with Meg Ryan.
And how the hell did the space shuttle and launch pad get in there.
And in fact, I am stuck in a stinky pipe, surrounded by dudes, hundreds of feet underwater, and the nearest woman is in fact at least hundreds of miles away, and is probably not Meg Ryan.

AAAARRRGGGGHHHHH!


Waking up SUCKS.
Send me back.
Wake me up after the honeymoon.
AFTER.
AFTER!

 

[Alamo]

Meg Ryan. Mmmm.

 

[Alamo]

It's 4th of July, deployed as executive officer to the 380th Expeditionary Wing at Al Dhafra Airbase in the UAE (early in its "clandestine" phase).

Various celebratory events are planned, like the EOD guys blowing up stuff in the desert (that was fun). Extra security measures are also included, like refusing all deliveries/not letting any non-US vehicles or personnel on (our part of) the base for the day and not letting our personnel go off the base. Always a little heightened sense of threat on holidays.

It also included a patriotic event at the chow hall. About 30 minutes before the Wing Commander is due to show up and do the ceremonial birthday cake-cutting I ease over to see if everything looks like it's in order. Facility clean, bunting, flags, etc, everything looks good. Until I get to the cake.

The cake is a basic one layer in a big flat pan, lots of surface area on the top for the design, which is of course a big American Flag.

Red stripes, white stripes, blue background, and...six pointed stars. Like the Star of David. ??!

All the kitchen staff are TCNs, third country nationals hired by whatever local company was contracted to run the mess hall (this is not unusual, we had TCNs all over the place doing work around base, with escorts. Not the most secure set up, one time we found one making a map of the base, but common arrangement). The kitchen crew could be Filipino, Malaysian, Pakistani, Arab, something else not North American nor European nor local national, or any combination of the above. They're supposed to have passed background checks (I think/I hope). But what's with the Stars of David on the American Flag? Political protest or jibe? Is the cake poisoned as well?

So I call the Wing intelligence NCO over and point to the cake. His eyebrows go up. The commander of the Security Forces is close by, so bring him over too. Everybody looks at each other, and the SF and IN guys go marching off to the kitchen. Just before the event is to kick off the Wing Commander shows up, I tell him what's going on, and the IN and SF guys come back. They found the guy who decorated the cake and determined that "that's the only way he knows how to make stars."

OK.

So we had cake and then went off into the desert to watch the EOD guys set off some celebratory gasoline bombs. A good time was had by all.

 

[actaeon277]

Meg Ryan. Mmmm.

Not all sub stories involve crushing depths and alarms.

 

[repeter1977]

It's 4th of July, deployed as executive officer to the 380th Expeditionary Wing at Al Dhafra Airbase in the UAE (early in its "clandestine" phase).

Various celebratory events are planned, like the EOD guys blowing up stuff in the desert (that was fun). Extra security measures are also included, like refusing all deliveries/not letting any non-US vehicles or personnel on (our part of) the base for the day and not letting our personnel go off the base. Always a little heightened sense of threat on holidays.

It also included a patriotic event at the chow hall. About 30 minutes before the Wing Commander is due to show up and do the ceremonial birthday cake-cutting I ease over to see if everything looks like it's in order. Facility clean, bunting, flags, etc, everything looks good. Until I get to the cake.

The cake is a basic one layer in a big flat pan, lots of surface area on the top for the design, which is of course a big American Flag.

Red stripes, white stripes, blue background, and...six pointed stars. Like the Star of David. ??!

All the kitchen staff are TCNs, third country nationals hired by whatever local company was contracted to run the mess hall (this is not unusual, we had TCNs all over the place doing work around base, with escorts. Not the most secure set up, one time we found one making a map of the base, but common arrangement). The kitchen crew could be Filipino, Malaysian, Pakistani, Arab, something else not North American nor European nor local national, or any combination of the above. They're supposed to have passed background checks (I think/I hope). But what's with the Stars of David on the American Flag? Political protest or jibe? Is the cake poisoned as well?

So I call the Wing intelligence NCO over and point to the cake. His eyebrows go up. The commander of the Security Forces is close by, so bring him over too. Everybody looks at each other, and the SF and IN guys go marching off to the kitchen. Just before the event is to kick off the Wing Commander shows up, I tell him what's going on, and the IN and SF guys come back. They found the guy who decorated the cake and determined that "that's the only way he knows how to make stars."

OK.

So we had cake and then went off into the desert to watch the EOD guys set off some celebratory gasoline bombs. A good time was had by all.

Hahaha, ah yes, the TCNs working on base. Almost always polite although I think half of the time they were because they didn't know what you are saying. Ran the laundry, fuel points, dining facility, etc. It was funny because the head of the dining facility and the head count person were Americans getting tons of money, and the rest were TCNs. Good food though so I didn't complain. And they weren't worried about how much food you grabbed like in the states. Everyone on my security team was eating tons to try and keep weight on, desert heat, wearing battle gear all day, convoys across the country. Meanwhile some of the Fobbits actually put on some weight while we were there.

 

[Alamo]

... Good food though so I didn't complain. And they weren't worried about how much food you grabbed like in the states...

Yes, our food was quite good (although if you didn't like chicken you were going to have a rough time), and the only thing the contractor of the dining cared about was that you signed in to eat. He didn't care if you went through the line six times or came to the hall 12 times per day as long as you signed in. I'm guessing he got paid by the number of signatures showing someone ate there.

 

[HoughMade]

Meg Ryan. Mmmm.

What years are we talking about.....it matters.

 

[woowoo2]

The privacy curtain to my bunk is pulled back in place, and the light moves on to the next sleeper.

These curtain things you speak of....
They did not exist on Adams Class Destroyers.
If you wanted privacy, you hung up your towel.

 

[actaeon277]

 

[actaeon277]

What years are we talking about.....it matters.

Well, this would have been late 80s, early 90s.
So..

 

[HoughMade]

Well, this would have been late 80s, early 90s.
So..

Well then:

 

[actaeon277]

These curtain things you speak of....
They did not exist on Adams Class Destroyers.
If you wanted privacy, you hung up your towel.

On the plus side, you guys had all the oxygen you could get.
On the down side, you had to go THROUGH bad weather. You couldn't go UNDER the weather.

 

[actaeon277]

 

[deo62]

Another one that could have gone bad real fast.
Out on a foot patrol, snow about a foot deep and fog so thick you could barely see your hand in front of your face. We're walking along, and because of the fog the patrol leader decides to get out of the woods and walk down the edge of the road. What he didn't realize is that because of the low visibility we weren't where he thought we were and in fact headed in the wrong direction. So we walk along and come to a clearing thinking we're almost to the road. Go a couple of hundred yards and no road. All of a sudden we come across a fence. A big tall fence. uh oh. About that time the fog lifts a bit and we see the mines on the fence, then the base of a tower on the other side of the fence. Double uh oh. And standing at the bottom of the tower? A half dozen East Germans border troops including an officer. Triple uh oh. Needless to say we hauled it back into the woods and waited for any repercussions to come whizzing by.
Tried calling in to border ops to inform them about what happened but because of the weather we couldn't even get our relay. Back tracked our way out and finally got to the road, found our vehicle then made our way to higher ground where we could get a signal. Were told to stay there, that somebody was on the way to our AO.
Hour or so later the CO and our platoon leader show up. And they were not happy. Informed Sgt. K, the patrol leader, that they were within a couple of minutes of blowing out the reaction force. Then we get a message that somebody else is on the way. So we wait a while and we hear a couple of helicopters. While all this happening the fog is lifting to where we can see the helos when they're about a quarter of a mile out. They land on the hill next to us and out steps the regimental commander and his staff. Quadruple uh oh.
So we all head back into the woods, following our trail to where we find a blue and white pole(how the West Germans marked their side of the border). Then we look where our tracks go and see where they end up next to the fence. Yeah, we were almost 300 yards in East Germany.
Needless to say there were diplomatic protests filed and Sgt K wasn't allowed to lead any border patrols again.

Stationed in Bad Hersfeld in the early 80s and had a similar experience. A Captain of dubious quality had us on the wrong side of those blue and white posts too. Little touchy for a while, considering it was just shortly after an East German heli crash.

 

[Alamo]

Not all sub stories involve crushing depths and alarms.

I can guarantee you that none of my dreams about Meg Ryan involve subs, ships, nor sailors of any kind.

 

[Alamo]

What years are we talking about.....it matters.

In my dreams she always looks like she did in “When Harry Met Sally”. Of course in my dreams I always look like I did when “Harry Met Sally” came out.

Then I wake up, go in the bathroom, and look in the mirror. Whoa.

 

[Nazgul]

I seriously avoid the mirror, especially after a shower....................

Don

 

[KellyinAvon]

February-ish 1993: SSgt KellyinAvon and an Ammo Troop (TSgt named Gary) are sitting in a truck across the street from an entry point to go on the flightline at K-2 Air Base, Taegu Korea. We were sitting across the street from the entry point because the ROK President was passing through and security was heightened on the ROK Air Base. They closed the flightline entry points, doubled the guards, and took all the magazines from the guards (NO ****!! Not a one had a magazine!)

Until the ROK Prez and his six helicopters left, nothing was landing. We were picking up crypto equipment being flown down from Osan AB on a C-12 (the 7th Air Force Commander's bird no less.) We could see C-130s and commercial aircraft circling (KAL and Asiana flew out of Taegu Airport, they used the Air Base runway. Runway, singular.) Nothing was landing.

So we're sitting there, truck has no radio (no Armed Forces Radio for us), it's kind of boring. Gary grabs the mic on the Motorola, "Earth, Space... Earth this is Space, is anyone there?" We laughed, expecting to hear back from one of the two other Ammo troops who were the only people on the frequency. Low and behold the Detachment Chief (Chief Master Sergeant) for whatever reason had his brick on that frequency. I think his exact words were, "QUIT PLAYING ON THE RADIO!"

Next: another K-2 story.

 

[actaeon277]

Norfolk Naval Base.
D&S piers (Destroyer and Submarine)
SUBRON 6.

At the entrance to the pier, was a checkpoint, due to the initiation Desert Shield/Storm.
Metal Detectors and X-ray machine. Manned by bored sailors in dungarees.

Sailor behind the desk asked the submariner in front of me, "What's in the bag?"
"A bomb", joked the submariner. Quickly followed by, "OOF!" as a rifle butt buried itself into his gut.
Then a Humvee screeched to a halt. A marine on top pointing his weapon at me.
The sailor behind the desk looks up from the submariner trying to suck some air in, and asks, "What's in YOUR bag?"
"Dirty Underwear. Some books. Feel free to look." Then I mumbled thanks to the smart ass on the ground.
I was also a smart ass.
But.. I figured there's a time and a place.