INGO: Joke of the day page

[Randy Divine]

Bar Joke

Giraffe walks into a bar and says, “High Balls are on me”.

 

[Raye7r]

One for the Lawyers

Learn from your elders…

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.
Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior' s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

 

[ATOMonkey]

An old man walks into a Catholic church and heads to the confessional.

He sits down and says, "Father, I must confess, last night I had sex with two of the most beautiful coeds."

"Well, my son, promiscuity is a sin and I would think that someone of your age would know better."

"Yes father, I have something else to confess as well"

"What is it my son?"

"I'm Jewish."

"Then why are you telling this about the two young ladies?"

"Are you kidding me?! I'm telling everyone!!!"

 

[semperfi211]

Why Men Wear Earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular
with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his
co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally
conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden
change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you
were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he
replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then
his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you
been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

(I always wondered how this trend got started)

 

[Joy'sdad]

I had this 22 year old work for me ten years ago and he moved his girlfreind in with him. They slept in the same bed but he said they never touched each other. We He-Hawed him but he said it was true. He promised her dad. We figured the joke was on her poor daddy! We still laugh about this!

 

[Clif45]

A Republican, in a
wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon
and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The
Republican looked across the restaurant and
asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over
there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the
Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup
of coffee, on him.

The next patron to
come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back.
He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down,
and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He
also glanced across the restaurant and asked,
"Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress
nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give
Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The
third patron to come into the restaurant was a
Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a
booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey!
How's about getting' me a cold mug of Miller
Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and
asked, "Isn't that God's boy over
there?

The waitress nodded, so the
Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer.
"On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus
got up to leave, he passed by the Republican,
touched him
and said, "For your kindness, you
are healed." The Republican felt the strength
come back into his legs, got up, and danced a
jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the
Libertarian, touched him and said, "For
your
kindness, you are healed." The
Libertarian felt his back straightening up and
he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a
series of back flips out the door.

Then,
Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just
smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and
yelled, "Don't touch me. I'm collecting
disability."

 

[Clif45]

[FONT=&quot]A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane..[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat .. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[ralphb72]

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.










His Diary:

My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

 

[Doug]

The Lemon Picker

The Lemon Picker

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!"
"I've been divorced three times, owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama."

 

[Bubba]

An actual conversation between two INGOers following a range trip with a new pistol:

INGOer #1: How big do you suppose the center on one of those targets was?
INGOer #2: Two inches.
INGOer #1: So since I shot out the bullseye at five yards, that would be a 40" group at 100yd.
INGOer #2: Does that mean your group size could be described as "midget of angle"?

 

[steepo17]

Joke Thread

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

 

[jd4320t]

https://www.indianagunowners.com/forums/break_room/25172-ingo_joke_of_the_day_page.html

 

[IndySSD]

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Someone buy that girl another drink!!

 

[Turn Key]

[FONT=&quot]The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'An ambulance just drove by!'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Looks like the Andersen's have company,' he called out.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Marty's riding a new bike!'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]`Looks like the Sanders are moving!'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Jason is on his skate board!'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are screwing!!'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]called out,[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'How do you know they're screwing?'[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle'.

.


[/FONT]

 

[SavageEagle]

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little
lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).



To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror...

There are teachers .... and then there are educators.

 

[360]

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a huge, mean-looking biker steps up next to me, grabs up my drink and downs it in one great gulp.

"Well? whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly . . . as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry! I can't stand to see a man cry."

"This is the worst day of my life," I blurted. "I'm a complete failure. I was late for an important meeting, and the boss fired me. I went to the parking lot and found my car was stolen . . . and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me.

"So I called another cab, and came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I ordered up that gin and tonic, drop a capsule in, and was sit here watching the arsenic dissolve when some ******* shows up and drinks the whole damn thing!

"But enough about me, how's your day going?"

 

[Suprtek]

 

[Turn Key]

Regardless of your political persuasion,
this is funny!

​

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

"Nice pigs, sir." The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,"Excellent trade, sir."

​

​

 

[SavageEagle]

Excellent Bill Clinton joke!

 

[jlm223]

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reasonWhy Men Prefer Guns Over Women.....

#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun