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[FONT="]Well, I lost the Trivia Contest at the church last night by 1 point.[/FONT][FONT="]
I not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.
The question was: [/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]"Where do women have the curliest hair?"...................[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Apparently the correct answer is New Zealand.
[/FONT]
I not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.
The question was: [/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]"Where do women have the curliest hair?"...................[/FONT]
[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Apparently the correct answer is New Zealand.
[/FONT]
semperfi211
Master
Alert: If you use a toothbrush to clean the breach of a rifle, dispose of it right away and do not for any reason put it back in the "little" flowerdy cup on the back of the sink. Appearently if a woman ingest gun oil it is much like the LSD of the 60's and she will completely lose her mind. Foaming, spitting, name calling, and pretty much making for a colder than normal evening. Oh well "Lets Hunt"
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life; I don’t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
*source- Backwoods Home Magazine - Irreverent Jokes Issue 53
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life; I don’t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
*source- Backwoods Home Magazine - Irreverent Jokes Issue 53
SavageEagle
Grandmaster
- Apr 27, 2008
- 19,568
- 38
European News Note
The European Commission has just announced an agreement where-by the official language of the European Union (EU) will now be English, rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase in plan that will be known as "EuroEnglish."
In the first year, "S" will replace the soft "C." Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants skip with joy. The hard "C" will be dropped in favor of the "K." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
In the sekond year, there will be growing publik enthusiasm when the troublesome "PH" will be replaced with the "F." This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Government will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "E" in the languag is disgrasful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "TH" with "Z" and "W" with "V."
During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary "O" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "OU" and similar changs vud of kurs be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yar, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubts or difikultis and evrivun wil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!
The European Commission has just announced an agreement where-by the official language of the European Union (EU) will now be English, rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase in plan that will be known as "EuroEnglish."
In the first year, "S" will replace the soft "C." Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants skip with joy. The hard "C" will be dropped in favor of the "K." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
In the sekond year, there will be growing publik enthusiasm when the troublesome "PH" will be replaced with the "F." This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Government will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "E" in the languag is disgrasful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "TH" with "Z" and "W" with "V."
During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary "O" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "OU" and similar changs vud of kurs be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yar, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubts or difikultis and evrivun wil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!
eldirector
Grandmaster
My wife told me this one over the weekend:
Putin, Queen Elizabeth, and George Bush all died and went to Hell (I didn't ask why, but whatever). While getting checked in by the Devil himself, they notice a phone on the wall. When asked what it was for, he replied "You can make calls back to the living".
First up, Putin calls home to check on Mother Russia and talks for 30 minutes. The Devil tells him the call costs 1 Million Rubles, and Putin happily writes a check.
Next, the Queen calls to check up on Jolly 'ole England. She talks for a full hour, and the Devil charges her 2 million pounds.
Finally, Bush calls home to check on the US of A. Several hours later, he finally gets off the phone. The Devil says, "No Charge", and sends him on his way. The Queen and Putin speak up at this, declaring it is unfair for them to pay, and Bush to get off for free.
The Devil's reply: "Ever since the last election, America has been a local call."
Putin, Queen Elizabeth, and George Bush all died and went to Hell (I didn't ask why, but whatever). While getting checked in by the Devil himself, they notice a phone on the wall. When asked what it was for, he replied "You can make calls back to the living".
First up, Putin calls home to check on Mother Russia and talks for 30 minutes. The Devil tells him the call costs 1 Million Rubles, and Putin happily writes a check.
Next, the Queen calls to check up on Jolly 'ole England. She talks for a full hour, and the Devil charges her 2 million pounds.
Finally, Bush calls home to check on the US of A. Several hours later, he finally gets off the phone. The Devil says, "No Charge", and sends him on his way. The Queen and Putin speak up at this, declaring it is unfair for them to pay, and Bush to get off for free.
The Devil's reply: "Ever since the last election, America has been a local call."
SavageEagle
Grandmaster
- Apr 27, 2008
- 19,568
- 38
The Chicken Launcher
NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.
British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.
When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.
The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.
British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.
When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.
The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
A while back, after the two Germanys were reunited, rumor had it a message was sent to 'dolph down in Argentina or thereabouts, asking if he'd like to come back and run the country. The reply was received...
Only on one condition: No more Mr. Nice Guy.
HEAVEN AND HELL
While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit
by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see,
so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator..
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his
friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich
at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having
a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it,
it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven.."
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell..
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags,
picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from
above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning ...
Today, you voted.."
While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit
by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see,
so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator..
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his
friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich
at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having
a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it,
it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven.."
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell..
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags,
picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from
above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning ...
Today, you voted.."
How many Liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Light is necessary to enjoy the happiness to which every American is entitled and it is the responsibility of the Federal government to see to it that all citizens have working light bulbs.
How many Conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If candles and whale oil lamps were good enough for the founders of this great Republic, they ought to be good enough for us.
None. Light is necessary to enjoy the happiness to which every American is entitled and it is the responsibility of the Federal government to see to it that all citizens have working light bulbs.
How many Conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If candles and whale oil lamps were good enough for the founders of this great Republic, they ought to be good enough for us.
photoshooter
Expert
How many Libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?
It's your light bulb, change it yourself, or hire a free market entrepreneur to do so for you. Also, why don't we get to choose what light bulbs we want to buy? Get the government out of our light bulb choices and let the free market decide which light bulb is best for each individual socket.
(Gotta keep all the parties in there, I just couldn't come up with a funny way for libertarians and light bulbs to go together).
eldirector
Grandmaster
In Soviet Russia, the light bulb changes you!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Yeah, that was bad. Sorry.
Joke
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his
> identification.
>
> Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped
> by the
> U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
>
>
> "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
> "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.
>
> "Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
>
> "But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed.
> "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and
> George
> Bush on the other."
>
>
> "This I gotta see," replied the agent.
>
> With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
>
> "By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent.
> "Have a safe trip back to Chicago ."
>
> "Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"
>
> The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the the middle.
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his
> identification.
>
> Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped
> by the
> U.S. Customs Agent at the border.
>
>
> "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.
> "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.
>
> "Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.
>
> "But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed.
> "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and
> George
> Bush on the other."
>
>
> "This I gotta see," replied the agent.
>
> With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.
>
> "By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent.
> "Have a safe trip back to Chicago ."
>
> "Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"
>
> The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the the middle.
Security122
Sharpshooter
What is brown and sits on the wall?
Humpty Do Do.
Humpty Do Do.
SavageEagle
Grandmaster
- Apr 27, 2008
- 19,568
- 38
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
SavageEagle
Grandmaster
- Apr 27, 2008
- 19,568
- 38
Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.
SavageEagle
Grandmaster
- Apr 27, 2008
- 19,568
- 38
Why don't anteaters get sick?
Because they're full of anty-bodies.
Because they're full of anty-bodies.
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