INGO: Joke of the day page

[Turn Key]

Some INGO friendly ''one-liners''

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psychopath

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid’s.

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Cinco.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack. "Dang! "
A Bad Skydiver Goes, "Dang!" Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

 

[LYHTSPD]

Turn Key... those were cheesy, but I still found myself laughing at most of them. I guess I am a low class humor kind of guy.

 

[lawrra]

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues
and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt and wore my new hat that
I had purchased off the Internet.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and
left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the hat and patch:

It also works at DMV ... it saved me 5 hours

And the Laundromat three minutes after entering I had my choice of any
machine most still running.

Don't try it at a fast food place, the whole crew got up and left and l never
got my order.

 

[Roadie]

[FONT=&quot]Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one Day.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]As they walk, they come across a sign:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"I am entering!" said Snow White.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]" First Place !," said Snow White.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]They continue walking and they see a sign:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Contest for the strongest man in the world."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I'm entering," says Superman.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]They continue walking when they see a sign:[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"What happened?" they asked.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Who is this Obama guy?" asked Pinocchio.[/FONT]

 

[Angie]

"I finally got around to going fishing this morning but
after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and
frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't
bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right
behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without
getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and
poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back,
he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident,
and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake, with two frogs in his mouth."

 

[Turn Key]

THE CONSIDERATE BAGPIPER

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

 

[Angie]

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

MOUNT & DO.




Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[Raye7r]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.

What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening,
he is gonna get it wrong.

 

[paintball_addiction]

Q: If Obama and Pelosi were on a sinking ship, who would be saved?


A: America!

 

[Raye7r]

GOLFER AT THE DENTIST
>
> >
>
> > A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
>
> >
>
> > The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I
>
> > have two Buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play
>
> > golf, so forget About the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums
>
> > to get numb. I just Want you to pull the tooth, and be done with
>
> > it! We have a 10:00 AM tee Time at the best golf course in town and
>
> > it's 9:30 already... I don't have Time to wait for the anesthetic to
>
> > work!'
>
> >
>
> >
>
> > The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very
>
> > brave Man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to
>
> > kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
>
> >
>
> >
>
> > The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and
>
> > show him..
>

 

[AllenM]

An older gentleman and his friend were playing golf on nice clear morning, When a funeral procession began to drive by. when the older man saw the procession he stopped what he was doing and took his hat off and waited until all the cars had passed.
When they were gone his friend turned to him and complemented him for the respect he showed to the recently deceased.
His reply: "After 30 years of marriage, it's the least I can do"

 

[jlm223]

Ghost joke

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving
a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many
people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who
believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen
a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this
seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question
further... Have any of you ever made love to a
Ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son,
all the years I've bee n giving this lecture, no one
has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your
experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a
grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor
asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex
with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Sh t!! From way back there I
thought you said "Goats".

 

[Bubba]

 

[Mr. Habib]

DARN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments..

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they not the "in" name this year.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

 

[target64]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,


'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

 

[Turn Key]

[FONT=&quot]A Montana cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Alberta, when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with E-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You’re a Member of Obama's White House Staff," says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

"Now give me back my dog."
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] ______________________________________________________[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity”[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Sigmund Freud[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]​

 

[SavageEagle]

[FONT=&quot]A Montana cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Alberta, when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with E-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You’re a Member of Obama's White House Staff," says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

"Now give me back my dog."
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] ______________________________________________________[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity”[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]Sigmund Freud[/FONT]​

Heard that when it was the BUSH staffer. Still a good one!

 

[D-Ric902]

Hillary: Chelsea, dear, I have to know. Did you have sex with Mark before you got married.

Chelsea: Well, not according to Dad.

 

[steve666]

A cowboy from Utah and a cowboy from Wyoming are driving around the ranch on a slow day inspecting the fence lines,
They come upon a sheep with it’s head stuck in the barb-wire.
The cowboy from Utah slams on the brakes, throws the truck into park, and say’s , this is too good to be true, and proceeds to go and have his way with the sheep.
He finishes up , and while zipping up his trousers he turns to the Wyoming cowboy and say’s, you want to try some of this?
Wyoming cowboy replies, Hell Yeah, but I don’t think my head will fit thru the fence.

 

[steve666]

Why sharks circle their pray

​

A father and son great white shark came up on a boat wreck. 20 people in the water hanging on for life.
The father says to his son. "Now look we are going to circle the crowd and I only want you to show one fin"
So the father and son shark circled the crowd a few times only showing one fin.
Again the father turned to this son and this time he said "Now we are gonna circle them again and this time show all your fins"
So they did, they circled the crowd a few times showing all their fins.
Then the father turned to his son and said "OK now it's time to eat them up" So they did, they ate up all the people.
After the father and son had full bellies the son asked the father. "Why did we have to circle the people and show our fins before we ate them? Why not just eat them from the start?"
The father turns to his son and says "They taste better without the **** in them.