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INGO: Joke of the day page
- Thread starter FordMan08
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SavageEagle
Grandmaster
- Apr 27, 2008
- 19,568
- 38
A great alternative to body scanners at airports
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.
It's a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. They see this as a win-win for everyone, with none of the whining about racial profiling. It also would eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. Justice would be swift. Case closed!
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system: "Attention standby passengers — we now have a seat available on flight number ____. Shalom."
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.
It's a booth you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. They see this as a win-win for everyone, with none of the whining about racial profiling. It also would eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. Justice would be swift. Case closed!
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system: "Attention standby passengers — we now have a seat available on flight number ____. Shalom."
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
[FONT="]
God replied: "Crap! I didn't recognize you."
[/FONT]
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
[FONT="]
God replied: "Crap! I didn't recognize you."
[/FONT]
hornadylnl
Shooter
- Nov 19, 2008
- 21,505
- 63
George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
***
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'
***
The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir?'
Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
*
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
***
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'
***
The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir?'
Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
*
HEAVEN AND HELL
While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit
by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see,
so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator..
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his
friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich
at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having
a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it,
it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven.."
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell..
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags,
picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from
above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning ...
Today, you voted.."
While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit
by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see,
so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator..
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his
friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich
at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having
a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it,
it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven.."
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell..
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags,
picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from
above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,
drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning ...
Today, you voted.."
Dear Abby,
My husband has a long record of money problems.
He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end
Of the month, if I try to pay them off,
He shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money.
He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry
About the rest, but already we can
Hardly keep up with the interest.
.
Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward
Our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us.
The few who do are an odd bunch,
To whom he has been giving a lot of expensive
Gifts, running up our bills even more.
.
Also, he has gotten religious.
One week he hangs out with Catholics
And the next with people who say the
Pope is the Anti-Christ,
And the next he's with Muslims.
Finally, the last straw.
He's demanding that before anyone can
Be in the same room with him,
They must sign a loyalty oath.
It's just so horribly creepy!
Can you help?
Signed, Lost in D.C.
Dear Lost:
Stop whining, Michelle.
You can divorce the jerk any time you want.
The rest of us are stuck with him
For two more years!
My husband has a long record of money problems.
He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end
Of the month, if I try to pay them off,
He shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money.
He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry
About the rest, but already we can
Hardly keep up with the interest.
.
Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward
Our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us.
The few who do are an odd bunch,
To whom he has been giving a lot of expensive
Gifts, running up our bills even more.
.
Also, he has gotten religious.
One week he hangs out with Catholics
And the next with people who say the
Pope is the Anti-Christ,
And the next he's with Muslims.
Finally, the last straw.
He's demanding that before anyone can
Be in the same room with him,
They must sign a loyalty oath.
It's just so horribly creepy!
Can you help?
Signed, Lost in D.C.
Dear Lost:
Stop whining, Michelle.
You can divorce the jerk any time you want.
The rest of us are stuck with him
For two more years!
Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, " Hey DeBakey... Is dat you ? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, " So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work ? "
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris,....."Try doing your work with the engine running. "
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, " So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work ? "
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris,....."Try doing your work with the engine running. "
In the beginning, the Proctologist enjoyed his healing art and treating his patients with compassion and respect. After many years, however, he got burned and decided to change careers.
He enrolled in a school for auto mechanics.
He had been an excellent doctor, but he was only a mediocre mechanic. He was very nervous when it came time for his final exam; he had to replace the valves in a six-cylinder engine. He worked as hard and as fast as he could, but every other student had left hours before he was finished. He was certain he had flunked.
The next day he was surprised to learn he had scored an A on his final.
"I was so afraid I had flunked," he told his instructor. "I took so much more time than anyone else."
"You would have flunked," the instructor said, "but I gave you extra credit for doing the whole job through the tailpipe."
He enrolled in a school for auto mechanics.
He had been an excellent doctor, but he was only a mediocre mechanic. He was very nervous when it came time for his final exam; he had to replace the valves in a six-cylinder engine. He worked as hard and as fast as he could, but every other student had left hours before he was finished. He was certain he had flunked.
The next day he was surprised to learn he had scored an A on his final.
"I was so afraid I had flunked," he told his instructor. "I took so much more time than anyone else."
"You would have flunked," the instructor said, "but I gave you extra credit for doing the whole job through the tailpipe."
So the dumb guy moves to Italy, changes his name to Giovanni, settles in and seems to be doing OK, except that he can't get any of the ladies to pay him any attention... Whenever they talk to him, he notices that they either break up laughing at him or leaving with disgusted looks on their faces. He figures maybe he needs to be in better shape. so he hires a trainer. Vito works with him, gets him in great shape, and they become pretty good friends. So Giovanni tells Vito the reason he's doing all this. Vito says, "You come to the beach witha me, you gonna getta the girls." So they go to the beach. Giovanni and Vito each change into speedo swimsuits, but Giovanni notices he's still having the same problem. Vito pulls him aside and says. "Go over to thata vegetable stand and buy a smalla potato... put it inna your suit... The girlsa won't be able to resista you charms."
So Giovanni goes, buys his potato and follows Vito's instructions. He doesn't understand then, why the girls are still looking at him with absolute revulsion, when Vito rolls his eyes, comes over and says.....
"GIOVANNI! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PUTTA THE POTATO INNA DE FRONT!!!"
So Giovanni goes, buys his potato and follows Vito's instructions. He doesn't understand then, why the girls are still looking at him with absolute revulsion, when Vito rolls his eyes, comes over and says.....
"GIOVANNI! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PUTTA THE POTATO INNA DE FRONT!!!"
Wow... Deja vu! You posted this three weeks and 18 posts ago in this same thread!
Couldn't remember if I had already posted it, searched through the tread and must have missed it. Sorry for the poor memory, getting old I guess.
Have a nice night. 
Socio-Math Problems for San Francisco Students
Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John and Effie share a three-bedroom apartment on Guerrero for $2400 a month. Effie and Trip can share one bedroom, but the other three need their own rooms with separate ISDN lines to run their web servers. None of them wants to use the futon in the living room as a bed, and they each want to save $650 in three months to attend Burning Man. What is their best option? --
- Zelda and Jane were given a rottweiler at their commitment ceremony. If their dog needs to be walked two miles a day and they walk at a rate of 1/2 mile per hour, how much time will they spend discussing their relationship in public?
- Michael has two abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional parent, but Michael feels 3% better for every person he denigrates, how long will it take before he's ready to go home if 1 person walks by the cafe every 2 minutes?
- Sanjeev has 7 piercings. If the likelihood of getting cellulitis on a given day is 10% per piercing, what is the likelihood Sanjeev will need to renew his erythromycin prescription during the next week?
- Chad wants to take half a pound of heroin to Orinda and sell it at a 20% profit. If it originally cost him $1,500 in food stamps, how much should Nicole write the check for?
- The City and County of San Francisco decide to destroy 50 rats infesting downtown. If 9,800 animal rights activists hold a candlelight vigil, how many people did each dead rat empower?
- A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white sock are tossed randomly in a drawer. What is the likelihood that the first two socks drawn will be socks of color?
- George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple lattes every morning. If each shot of espresso contains 490mg of caffeine, what is George's average caffeine density in mg/pound?
- There are 4500 homes in Mill Valley and all of them recycle plastic. If each household recycles 10 soda bottles a day and buys one polar fleece pullover per month, does Mill Valley have a monthly plastic surplus or deficit? Bonus question: Assuming all the plastic bottles are 1 liter size, how much Evian are they drinking?
- If the average person can eat one pork pot sticker in 30 seconds, and the waitress brings a platter of 12 pot stickers, how long will it take five vegans to not eat them?
- Todd begins walking down Market Street with 12 $1 bills in his wallet. If he always gives panhandlers a single buck, how many legs did he have to step over if he has $3 left when he reaches the other end and met only one double-amputee?
Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John and Effie share a three-bedroom apartment on Guerrero for $2400 a month. Effie and Trip can share one bedroom, but the other three need their own rooms with separate ISDN lines to run their web servers. None of them wants to use the futon in the living room as a bed, and they each want to save $650 in three months to attend Burning Man. What is their best option? --
- All five roommates accept a $12/hour job-share as handgun monitors at Mission High.
- Ask Miles, the bisexual auto mechanic, to share Effie and Trip's bedroom for $500/month.
- Petition the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling her annual digital-artists-of-color stipend.
- Rent strike.
I ran this past the lady (out of consideration for women's feelings, not because of the vice grips perpetually and so delicately attached to my manhood...) and she gave me the green light.
Q: There is a bear attacking your woman, what's your biggest problem?
A: There is a bear in your kitchen!
Enjoy the rest of your weekend,
E
Q: There is a bear attacking your woman, what's your biggest problem?
A: There is a bear in your kitchen!
Enjoy the rest of your weekend,
E
I was in my back yard trying to fly a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me, ' You need a piece of tail. '
I turned with a confused look on my face and said, ' Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite. '
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me, ' You need a piece of tail. '
I turned with a confused look on my face and said, ' Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite. '
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