INGO: Joke of the day page

[actaeon277]

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
“You have so much to live for,” said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go t...o Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he’s screwing me.”
“He certainly is,” replied the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

 

[jamil]

I need to chew on these responses a little bit before I answer. You've both made valid points. For now, I'm going to leave my response at, "Let me think about that some."

And no, I didn't tell *a* joke I wouldn't have if I'd known the butt of it was present. *A* joke would have been bad enough. I told months of them. THAT is why I was and am embarrassed at my past actions.

Blessings,
Bill

Fair enough. I think we hope we’re all better people today than we were yesterday.

I think it’s fair to step in as a mod to protect the perception of the site however texkev has communicated. In that context I don’t see a problem with, no matter what the reason for telling the jokes, moderating the discourse as the owner wants, that’s fair. It just seemed this went a little beyond that.

 

[daddyusmaximus]

Not to brag, but I just went into another room, and I remembered why I went in there!





OK, it was the bathroom, but still...

 

[Ballstater98]

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

 

[daddyusmaximus]

Very sad thing happened today. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school, and training has been fired from his job. He made one the job indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients. He can no longer work in his chosen profession. What a waste of time, effort, training, and money, all for one nights pleasure. Just goes to show you what effect your choices can have on your life. He is still paying off student loans too. His whole life is ruined. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy,






and he was a brilliant veterinarian.

 

[Cameramonkey]

A two-fer...


I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Costco and standing in line at the check out.


A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.


On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Purina Diet again although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.


I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.


I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.


Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle’s ass and a car hit me.


I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.



Love this Joke. Jimmy delivers it perfectly.
[video=youtube;3IiICcSH8iY]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IiICcSH8iY[/video]

 

[ArcadiaGP]

Valentine's Day reminder: Flowers cannot consent to being picked. What's more, offering mutilated plant genitals to a female in exchange for access to her genitals is profiting directly from rape culture.

This is known as rape horticulture.

 

[BehindBlueI's]

Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans or Brits.
Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans or Brits.
Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans or Brits.
Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans or Brits.
Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans or Brits.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what causes heart attacks.

 

[BugI02]

What about AwwStrailYens, mate?

 

[actaeon277]

Dave drowned.
So we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
It's what he would have wanted.

 

[actaeon277]

 

[actaeon277]

 

[actaeon277]

 

[daddyusmaximus]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an
inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to
the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy alot of
bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when
there's too little left to be of any use?"
“Good question” noted the CFO. "We save them up and send
them back to the bandage company and every once in a while,
they send us a free roll."
“Oh”, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went,
in his arrogant and obnoxious way. "What do you do with
what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
“Ah, yes”, replied the CFO, realizing that the auditor was
trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and
every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."

“I see”, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he
could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well, he went on, "What do
you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the CFO. "What we do is
save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and
about once a year they send us a complete prick." --

 

[Bigtanker]

 

[ArcadiaGP]

An Asian guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the the bar and starts drinking a beer.

The guy next to him asks, "Do you know kung fu or karate or any of that ****?"
The asian guy replies, "Why you ask this, is because I'm Chinese?"
The other guy says, "No, it’s because you’re drinking my ****ing beer."

 

[Thor]

I know kung fu, karate, jujitsu and a bunch of other words for martial arts....

 

[ArcadiaGP]

Semi-related

A man was just convicted for posting jokes on the internet. Huge ****ing precedent in the UK.

https://www.indianagunowners.com/fo...youtube-happenings-thread-10.html#post7464970

 

[actaeon277]

Semi-related

A man was just convicted for posting jokes on the internet. Huge ****ing precedent in the UK.

https://www.indianagunowners.com/fo...youtube-happenings-thread-10.html#post7464970

And yet they say they don't have the resources to track actual terrorists.

 

[Cameramonkey]

And yet they say they don't have the resources to track actual terrorists.

Silly man, they only have time to chase REAL threats.