You forgot, And do'nt ask me if those jeans make your butt look big, it is your butt that makes your butt look big! and that is a question that I cant answer with out an attorney present anyway.
Great Line!!!
Buckaroo
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Great Line!!!
Buckaroo
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!"
Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED - THE TWIST!!!"
TK
"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!"
Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED - THE TWIST!!!"
TK
redneckmedic
Grandmaster
Unfortunately, as I have gotten older, I have become a little less sensitive.
So, after trying my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, last weekend (a good
find for many retirees), I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, coyote ugly,
nasty woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,
'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly, nasty woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no,
they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell
would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just find it hard
to believe you got laid twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My 24 year old supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work . . .
soooo tomorrow maybe I'll go shooting!
So, after trying my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, last weekend (a good
find for many retirees), I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, coyote ugly,
nasty woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,
'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly, nasty woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no,
they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell
would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just find it hard
to believe you got laid twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My 24 year old supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work . . .
soooo tomorrow maybe I'll go shooting!
THE AGENTS!!!!
A task force consisting of a DEA agent, an ATF and an FBI agent arrive at a ranch in western Nebraska.
The agents tell the rancher, "We need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs."
"Help yourself," the old rancher says, "but don't go in that field over there."
The DEA agent practically explodes. He whips out has badge, sticks it in the rancher's face. "Mister, we have the authority of the Federal Government behind us," he sneers, "and we'll go anywhere we feel like going. Got it?!"
"Yes, sir," the rancher says.
"Good," the agent says. "Now you can go about your chores while we go about ours."
A few minutes later, the old rancher hears screams and looks up to see the agents in the field he warned them about. All three are running for their lives -- close behind is his biggest, meanest bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...
"Your badges! Show him your badges!"
A task force consisting of a DEA agent, an ATF and an FBI agent arrive at a ranch in western Nebraska.
The agents tell the rancher, "We need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs."
"Help yourself," the old rancher says, "but don't go in that field over there."
The DEA agent practically explodes. He whips out has badge, sticks it in the rancher's face. "Mister, we have the authority of the Federal Government behind us," he sneers, "and we'll go anywhere we feel like going. Got it?!"
"Yes, sir," the rancher says.
"Good," the agent says. "Now you can go about your chores while we go about ours."
A few minutes later, the old rancher hears screams and looks up to see the agents in the field he warned them about. All three are running for their lives -- close behind is his biggest, meanest bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...
"Your badges! Show him your badges!"
A High Tech Bar...
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter stellar space travel', 'the latest medical breakthroughs', etc.......
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end?
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool. Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??
This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"Did.....your....people.....really.....think....about....
nominating......Hillary??"
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter stellar space travel', 'the latest medical breakthroughs', etc.......
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end?
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool. Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??
This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"Did.....your....people.....really.....think....about....
nominating......Hillary??"
IndyGunworks
Grandmaster
redneckmedic
Grandmaster
Slight Chuckle to myself....needs a better punchline, like;
What do you think is better a glock or XD? or
Where can you find 9mm or 40cal? or
Did you watch the Telemundo awards last night?
What do you think is better a glock or XD? or
Where can you find 9mm or 40cal? or
Did you watch the Telemundo awards last night?
Crystalship1
Master
A drunk is staggering down a sidewalk when two nuns in full habit were walking straight toward him. The nuns were walking side by side and when they approached the drunk the two sisters just each took a step away from each other and let the man pass between them. After passing the drunk the two sisters resumed their side by side stroll. After passing in between the two, the drunk stopped dead in his tracks and got a very confused look on his face as he turned to watch the two walking away from him. As the man resumes his unsteady journey he mumbles to himself..... "I wonder how she did that" ?!?!? 
A drunk is staggering down a sidewalk when two nuns in full habit were walking straight toward him. The nuns were walking side by side and when they approached the drunk the two sisters just each took a step away from each other and let the man pass between them. After passing the drunk the two sisters resumed their side by side stroll. After passing in between the two, the drunk stopped dead in his tracks and got a very confused look on his face as he turned to watch the two walking away from him. As the man resumes his unsteady journey he mumbles to himself..... "I wonder how she did that" ?!?!?
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump.
"Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."
Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.
But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump.
"Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."
Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"
The Bathtub Test
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE
Date: Sunday, April 26, 2009
12:12 PM
T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle, Australia, was asked on a local live radio talk show just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
HIS STATEMENT:
"If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camel-shagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say: (1) Red is positive, (2) black is negative, and (3) make sure his nuts are wet."
TK
12:12 PM
T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle, Australia, was asked on a local live radio talk show just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
HIS STATEMENT:
"If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camel-shagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say: (1) Red is positive, (2) black is negative, and (3) make sure his nuts are wet."
TK
Date: Sunday, April 26, 2009
12:12 PM
T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle, Australia, was asked on a local live radio talk show just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
HIS STATEMENT:
"If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camel-shagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say: (1) Red is positive, (2) black is negative, and (3) make sure his nuts are wet."
TK
Funny but just so everyone knows:
The City Councilman's Graphic Comment that Got Him Thown Out of a Radio Studio-Fiction!
Buckaroo
SavageEagle
Grandmaster
- Apr 27, 2008
- 19,568
- 38
Date: Sunday, April 26, 2009
12:12 PM
T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle, Australia, was asked on a local live radio talk show just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
HIS STATEMENT:
"If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camel-shagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say: (1) Red is positive, (2) black is negative, and (3) make sure his nuts are wet."
TK
Who cares!
SavageEagle
Grandmaster
- Apr 27, 2008
- 19,568
- 38
straittactical
Sharpshooter
- Dec 16, 2008
- 423
- 34
two guys walked into a bar...
...the third one ducked
...the third one ducked
A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Texas and goes
to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking
for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how
you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through
it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20
to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger
fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him
where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going
to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a Twin
engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull
it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook
And you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons
for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you
should go fishing."
to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking
for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how
you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through
it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20
to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger
fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him
where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going
to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a Twin
engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull
it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook
And you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons
for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you
should go fishing."
straittactical
Sharpshooter
- Dec 16, 2008
- 423
- 34
an old man was sitting on his porch one evening when a little boy walked by with some chicken wire. "What are you going to do with that chicken wire there boy?" the old man asked. "Im going to catch some chickens." he said. "You cant catch chickens with chicken wire." the old man told him. "Yes I can." and the little boy went on down the road.
An hour later the boy came back with 4 chickens in his hand. "Well ill be damned." says the old man not believing his eyes.
the next day the little boy walks by with duct tape in his hands. "What are you doing with that duct tape there boy?" "Im going to catch some ducks" replies the little boy. "you cant catch ducks with duct tape." the old man told him. "Yes I can." and the little boy continued down the road.
An hour later the boy came back with 4 ducks in his hands. "Well ill be damned." says the old man not believing his eyes.
the next day the little boy walks by draging some branches behind him. "What have you got there boy?" the old man asks. "***** willow" replies the little boy. "Hold on Ill get my hat!!"
An hour later the boy came back with 4 chickens in his hand. "Well ill be damned." says the old man not believing his eyes.
the next day the little boy walks by with duct tape in his hands. "What are you doing with that duct tape there boy?" "Im going to catch some ducks" replies the little boy. "you cant catch ducks with duct tape." the old man told him. "Yes I can." and the little boy continued down the road.
An hour later the boy came back with 4 ducks in his hands. "Well ill be damned." says the old man not believing his eyes.
the next day the little boy walks by draging some branches behind him. "What have you got there boy?" the old man asks. "***** willow" replies the little boy. "Hold on Ill get my hat!!"
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