INGO: Joke of the day page

[other dave]

Kudos to INGO member walt o for this one.

A soldier ran up to a nun and out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister You see, I don't want to go to Iraq . The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

 

[ChristianPatriot]

The Indianapolis Colts. That is all.

 

[HoughMade]

Judy had always been the kind of woman who turned heads. From high school on, she attracted the attention of the male of the species and was quite proud that this was the case.

Time marches on and Judy, on her 49th birthday, began to question whether she still had "it". She had done everything she could to maintain her looks, diet, nutrition, exercise, all the right clothes, but as women are wont to do, she needed to hear some positive reinforcement from someone else. Feeling a little down, Judy put on one of her hip hugging skirts and the thinnest of thin cashmere sweaters and headed to town to run her errands. First stop- post office. The clerk was a man about 30 years old. After she had transacted her business, she asked him: "How old do you think I am"? The man looked at her, then answered: "I'd say about 32". Judy replied: "My, thank you, but actually I turn 49 today!"

Judy was pleased to hear this, so feeling a little better and a little bolder, she went to her next stop, the dry cleaner. There, after picking up her clothes, she asked the young, male attendant: 'How old do you think I am." He though for a moment and answered: "Boy, um...maybe 29?" Judy was elated at this point. She quizzed him: "You're not just trying to make me feel good are you?" He said: "No, I'm being as honest as I can and you look 29 to me." Judy blurted out "Well, I'm 49 today and noe I'm feeling pretty good about it!"

Judy was walking about a foot off the pavement at this point. The strenuous exercise, the eating right and denying herself, the facial creams and avoiding the sun for all those years was paying off! Just then, Judy passed a bus stop. There was the most grandfatherly and kind figure of a man she had ever seen. She couldn't resist just one more ego boost. She struck up a conversation asking him: "Sir, I'm just curious, how old would you say I am?" He looked toward her and gestured to his glasses: "Missy, my eyes are failing me, so I'll have to look at you really closely." She said: "That's fine". With that, the older man began looking her over from every angle, front to back, up and down. After a moment he said: "Sorry, Missy, I still can't see well, but since my eyes have been failing, I've learned to tell a person's looks with my hands, do you mind?" Judy din't hesitate and said: 'Go ahead." At that, the elderly man began feeling her face...but it didn't end there, he then progressed to her back, back to her face, then her....front, all over, nothing left untested, then her legs...after a couple minutes of that Judy stepped back saying: "Don't you think that's enough? Can you guess how old I am or not?" The elderly man stated: "49, today."

Judy was stunned....she stammered: "That's exactly right...How were you able to tell." The old man tipped his hat back and with a twinkle in his eye said: "I was behind you at the post office."

 

[MCgrease08]

Suddenly, a cow runs out into the road in front of a limo making it's way down a dark Iowa country road late at night. The driver doesn't have time to stop the limo and smashes into the hefer before coming to a stop.

The woman in the back seat - in her usual abrasive and abusive manner, says to her chauffeur, "You get out and check on that poor cow. How could you not see it standing there in the road?"

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it appeares to be very old.

Well, says the woman, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over there about what you did."

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated with a full belly, his hair ruffled, and a huge grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asks the woman. "You were gone for hours."

The chauffeur replies, "It was the darndest thing. After I explained what happened, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asked the woman.

Well, I just knocked on the door..........and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Hillary Clinton's limo driver, and I just killed the old cow."

 

[Gluemanz28]

The Preacher And The Lawnmower

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. ''How much do you want for the mower?'' asked the preacher. ''I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle'', said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, ''Will you take my bike in trade for it?'' The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, ''Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'' The preacher took the mower and began to try to start it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, ''I can't get this mower to start.''

The little boy said, ''That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.''

The preacher said, ''I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss.''

The little boy looked at him happily and said, ''Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!''

 

[other dave]

Things I trust more than Hillary

1. Mexican tap water



2. A rattlesnake with a "pet me" sign



3. O.J. Simpson showing me his knife collection



4. A fart when I have diarrhea



5. An elevator ride with Ray Rice



6. Taking pills offered by Bill Cosby



7. Michael Jackson's Doctor



8. An Obama Nuclear deal with Iran



9. A Palestinian on a motorcycle



10. Gas station Sushi



11. A Jimmy Carter economic plan



12. Brian Williams news reports



13. Loch Ness monster sightings



14. Prayers for peace from Al Sharpton



15. Playing Russian roulette with a semi-auto pistol



16. Emails from Nigerian princes



17. The Heimlich maneuver from Barney Frank



18. A condom made in China



19. A prostate exam from Captain Hook






And finally...Bill Clinton at a Girl Scout convention

 

[bonkers1919]

My girl friend asked me to kiss her where it stinks, so I drove her to New Jersey.

 

[ArcadiaGP]

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah that's the one"

 

[sharkey]

A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
She replied, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.


"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.


"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch; it's a Ferrari."

 

[ArcadiaGP]

A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.

 

[HoughMade]

A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn't bereave him.

That deserves a slow clap. A slow...mildly racist clap.

 

[daddyusmaximus]

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He
told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
'Sir...There's no money in that account.
''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’

 

[ArcadiaGP]

A driver is pulled over for speeding, and the policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the trunkif you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunkof your car please?"
The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

 

[ArcadiaGP]

Mickey Mouse is in court, trying to get a divorce from Minnie... "Mr. Mouse", says the judge, "I'm afraid you can't get a divorce just because your wife is a little strange."

"I didn't say she was a little strange, I said she was ****ing Goofy".

 

[Bigtanker]

My not-so-bright neighbor lady was weed-eating her yard. All of the sudden I heard a horrible noise. I ran out to see what had happened. She had accidentally cut her cats tail off with the weed eater. I asked her what vet I could drive her and her cat to. She said take me to Walmart. I asked why.
"They are the number one retailer in the world."

 

[Gluemanz28]

An Indiana State Highway Executive stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highway Executive said, "I have the authority of the Indiana State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highway Executive running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

 

[HoughMade]

Mickey Mouse is in court, trying to get a divorce from Minnie... "Mr. Mouse", says the judge, "I'm afraid you can't get a divorce just because your wife is a little strange."

"I didn't say she was a little strange, I said she was ****ing Goofy".

Let's be clear, as far as Goofy was concerned, she was a little strange.

 

[Bigtanker]

A man and his new bride were golfing on their honeymoon. She was stung by a bee on her neck and they both headed to the clubhouse for some ice. Another member asked where she was stung. The husband said between the first and second holes. "Well if you don't mind me saying, I think her stance is way to wide" said the member.

 

[Roadie]

A man and his new bride were golfing on their honeymoon. She was stung by a bee on her neck and they both headed to the clubhouse for some ice. Another member asked where she was stung. The husband said between the first and second holes. "Well if you don't mind me saying, I think her stance is way to wide" said the member.

I am not a Golfer, but I literally LOLd

 

[ArcadiaGP]

All fish tanks are basically soups if you apply heat