INGO: Joke of the day page

[other dave]

[h=2]Three Wishes[/h]

Three men -- a Canadian farmer, a Muslim fanatic and a White-Trash Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.'
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

The Muslim was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries.
Nothing can get in or out: it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'
​

 

[ArcadiaGP]

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

 

[G-Niner]

Boo, hiss.

 

[Bigtanker]

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

Bravo! !!!

 

[sharkey]

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A REPUBLICAN AND A DEMOCRAT


Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were walking down the street when they came upon a homeless person. Trump gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.


Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. She then reached into Trump’s pocket and took out $20.


She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless person $5.


Now, do you understand the difference?

 

[Bigtanker]

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A REPUBLICAN AND A DEMOCRAT


Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were walking down the street when they came upon a homeless person. Trump gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.


Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. She then reached into Trump’s pocket and took out $20.


She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless person $5.


Now, do you understand the difference?

That is not a joke.

 

[other dave]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'


The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

 

[IndyDave1776]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'


The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

 

[ArcadiaGP]

A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.
So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out.
The boy is really happy and he runs outside in excitement and he's hit by an oncoming truck and killed instantly.
"What a shame" his dad said.
"He should have quit while he was ahead"

 

[SSGSAD]

A man and his daughter went to a neighbors house for a visit.
While the two men were talking, the neighbor asked the little girl, what she wanted to be when she grew up.
She replied, "I want to be President".
The neighbor said well what would you do if you were President?
She replied, "I would make sure everybody had whatever they needed".
The neighbor said, well let me help you, get started.
I need some yard work done, and I will pay you for helping me out.
Then I will take you to the homeless shelter, and you can give your money, to those men.
The little girl replied, "why don't you just go to the shelter yourself, and bring those men here, and have them do the work.

The neighbor, extended his hand, and said....."welcome to the Republican Party".

The man and his daughter left, and the two men, have not spoken since .....

 

[Bigtanker]

Dear Rubik's Cube.

Done. That was easy.


Sincerely,
Color blind.

 

[Bigtanker]

A pastor stood up at the pulpit on Sunday morning and said "If anyone gives $500 to the church today, I'll let then pick 3 hymns." A 81 year old lady stood up and said "here is my money." She then pointed to 3 handsome single men and very enthusiastically "I'll take him, him and him!"

 

[chef larry]

A pastor stood up at the pulpit on Sunday morning and said "If anyone gives $500 to the church today, I'll let then pick 3 hymns." A 81 year old lady stood up and said "here is my money." She then pointed to 3 handsome single men and very enthusiastically "I'll take him, him and him!"

 

[jzwhts]

What's the difference between In-laws and Out-laws?


Out-laws are wanted!!!

 

[chef larry]

What's the difference between In-laws and Out-laws?


Out-laws are wanted!!!

Just in time for the holidays.

 

[Bigtanker]

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

 

[wildcatfan.62]

Two strings got in a fight today, so how'd it end up?
They tied.

 

[wildcatfan.62]

I didn't see this one posted:
What lives at the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A nervous wreck... Thank you Bob and Tom

 

[DarkRose]

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old...

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,
Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.
And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

 

[Jerchap2]

“Hello?”, “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Brief Pause. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.” “And what happened honey?” he asked.

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

***Long Pause***

Then Daddy says,

“Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”