INGO: Joke of the day page

[DarkRose]

One of my favorites... even though most in my generation have no clue...

It was the Friday before a 3 day weekend and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, was new to Little Johnny's fourth grade class. The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. If you can answer the question correctly, you may leave early and get your long weekend started."
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"
She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.
"Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."
As she turned to write something on the blackboard, someone shouted "Screw the Japanese!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "Lee Iacocca, 1982,...see ya next Tuesday."

 

[halfmileharry]

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, “Survivor Texas-Style!”. The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed through Mission, up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas. Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 14 bumper stickers, which will read: 1. I'm A Democrat 2. Amnesty for Illegal’s 3. I Love the Dixie Chicks 4. Boycott Beef 5. I Voted For Obama 6. George Strait can't sing 7. Elect Hillary In 2016 8. Vote Eric Holder Texas Governor 9. I Love Obama Care and Chuck Schumer 10. Al Franken Is My Hero 11. I Side With Jane Fonda 12. It's Bush's Fault 13. Islam Is a Peace-Loving Religion ............And the last sticker is: 14. Down with term limits - Re-elect Obama!

 

[bdybdall]

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, “Survivor Texas-Style!”. The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed through Mission, up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas. Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 14 bumper stickers, which will read: 1. I'm A Democrat 2. Amnesty for Illegal’s 3. I Love the Dixie Chicks 4. Boycott Beef 5. I Voted For Obama 6. George Strait can't sing 7. Elect Hillary In 2016 8. Vote Eric Holder Texas Governor 9. I Love Obama Care and Chuck Schumer 10. Al Franken Is My Hero 11. I Side With Jane Fonda 12. It's Bush's Fault 13. Islam Is a Peace-Loving Religion ............And the last sticker is: 14. Down with term limits - Re-elect Obama!

That's not "Survivor", that's "Who wants to be the first to die?".

 

[pudly]

After extensive study at the University of Poland Geriatric Studies Department, research has confirmed that women who gain a few pounds appear to outlive men who comment upon it.

 

[halfmileharry]

What a beautiful story - good old WGN
I was driving through northern Illinois last night listening to a call-in program on WGN in Chicago . People were calling in all upset about the goat's head sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field.
Some guy called in from Indiana and said, "Why are you all so upset cause someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field? Aren't you the guys that sent a horse's ass to the White House".
I almost ran off the road!

 

[drop45]

The invisible man and wonder woman check into a hotel room for a little nook nook. All is going well and wonder woman is going crazy on the bed, gyrating and just full of lust. At the same time superman is flying around tow all horned up looking for a little something himself. Using his x-ray vision he spots wonder woman going nuts on the bed, flies into the room, and being the man of steel that he his gives it to her fast and furious, and leaves just as fast. Wonder woman now out of breath says 'what the heck was that' The invisible man says "I don't know, but my a## sure hurts".

 

[BigBoxaJunk]

The kindergarten teacher was asking the class "what does the cow say?" and little Susie said "Moooo"

The teacher said "very good Susie" Now class what does a pig say?

Little Jimmy jumps up and says "FREEZE Mutha@#$%!!!!"

 

[drop45]

An 85 year old man is rocking in his chair on the porch and his 83 y o wife is rocking next to him on hers. After a few minutes she gets up, punches him in the mouth, and sits back down. Couple of seconds go by and the man says "dang woman what was that for"? She replies, "That's for 62 years of terrible sex". Couple of minutes later the old man gets up hits his wife square in the jaw and she fall out of the chair and onto the porch. She gets to her feet and sits back down and asks what that was all about. Couple minutes later the old man says "thats for knowing the difference".

 

[Redtbird]

Student: "Mr. Wilson, I'm having trouble with these homonyms."

Teacher: "There. Their. They're."

 

[Cemetery-man]

Breaking News!

A local news agency is reporting that a single engine, 2 passenger airplane crashed into a rural cemetery last night. So far 235 victims have been uncovered with more expected by daylight.

 

[Redtbird]

In Johnny's fifth grade class, they were reading about Robin Hood.

Johnny asked the teacher, "Mrs. Smith. What is a leather?"

The teacher asked, "What do you mean, Johnny?"

Johnny replied, "Well, it says here that Robin Hood tore his leather jerkin off."

Good old Johnny...

 

[halfmileharry]

Living Will.
Last night my kids and I were sitting around discussing plans for after we're gone.
I said I never wanted to sit around in a vegetative state, dependent on a machine, and fluids from a bottle, and IF that ever happens just pull the plug. The oldest got up, unplugged my PC, and poured out my beer.

 

[sharkey]

I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.'

I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

 

[ChristianPatriot]

Bump for indyjohn

 

[indyjohn]

As told to me by a friend...

Chester & a little boy walk hand in hand into the woods.

The little boy says "Mister, I'm scared!"

Chester says "You're scared? I gotta walk out of here alone".

 

[churchmouse]

As told to me by a friend...

Chester & a little boy walk hand in hand into the woods.

The little boy says "Mister, I'm scared!"

Chester says "You're scared? I gotta walk out of here alone".

 

[Bunnykid68]

Squirrel Revenge
There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.
The man walks faster, trying to hurry
across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.
By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.
The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window.
The driver is a squirrel.
The squirrel says to the man says, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"

 

[halfmileharry]

My old age thoughts...

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things. I do random gravity checks! I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights".

I'm just very wise. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad!!!

 

[paperboy]

Two cannibals were sitting down and eating a clown. Cannibal 1 says to cannibal 2 "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

[3floydsfan]

An atheist, a vegan, and a CrossFitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.