INGO: Joke of the day page

[stephen87]

BREAKING NEWS!!!

The Washington Redskins have finally decided to change their name. They have decided to drop "Washington" from their name due to embarrassment.

 

[Raye7r]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the #$%$ are interchangeable.'

 

[2ADMNLOVER]

It was so cold today that I seen a lawyer walking down the street with his hands in his own pockets . Nah , couldn't have been , hell ain't froze over yet .

 

[Jerchap2]

 

[Sgtusmc]

These sucking fox make my seet fwet

 

[Jerchap2]

One sunny day in January, 2017, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine looks at the man and says, “Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here. ”The old man says, “Okay,” and walks away.


The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine again tells the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The man thanks him and again just walks away.


The third day the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.” The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”


The old man looks at the Marine and says,“Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.” The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, “See you tomorrow, sir!”

 

[DarkRose]

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

 

[pudly]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 19-year-old girl every night. Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 19-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

 

[halfmileharry]

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED .....

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

[halfmileharry]

an oldie but one of my favorites....
Steve Martin Magic Routine from classicstandupfan

 

[halfmileharry]

An Important perspective of the 1st Amendment....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwsvcUDX2Dk

 

[mrjarrell]

[h=4]One day at the end of class little Billy’s teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story…. The next day Billy tells his story…. “My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands”[/h][h=2]Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story….Billy replies, “Yeah… don’t mess with my dad when he’s been drinking[/h]

 

[scootn103]

Viagra was first marketed as coxafloppin , FDA did not approve .

 

[sharkey]

What kind of wood doesn't float?

























Natalie

 

[Doug]

 

[DRob]

FEMA suggested that anyone traveling in severe winter weather conditions should ensure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock
Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective
Triangles
Full gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables

I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning

 

[ru6797]

Having a gun is like having a parachute , if you don't have one when you need it chances are you won't ever need one again

 

[halfmileharry]

A man received an e-mail from his neighbor:





"Sorry Jim, but I have been using your wife... day and night whenever you’re not at home. In fact, probably more than you. I’m confessing now because I feel really guilty. I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. I will ask your permission in the future.”



Upon reading this, Jim gets his gun and, without uttering a word, he shoots his wife.



A few minutes later he received another e-mail: “Sorry Jim: I meant ‘wifi,’ not ‘wife.’”


(Auto correct has become my worst enema.)

 

[scootn103]

 

[Jerchap2]

Cop pulls a dude over with his wife in the passenger seat.


The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60. Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, "Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.”


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!!!???”


The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?”


The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."


The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”


The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.”


And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP????”


The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?”


"Only when he's been drinking."