INGO: Joke of the day page

[Naptown]

A Socialist, a Muslim and a Liar walk into a bar. "What are you having today President Obama?" asks the bartender.

 

[Rookie]

Does anyone know any good one or two line jokes. O yes I can bing them but let's go old school. I want jokes that's been lost over the years.

Your mom loves you.

 

[Bunnykid68]

Your momma so fat when she walks down the sidewalk she leaves foot prints

 

[JetGirl]

What's round and bad-tempered?
A vicious circle.






What did the rug say to the floor?
Don't move, I've got you covered.




What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?
Dead.

 

[Scutter01]

O yes I can bing them

Wait...what?

 

[Doobie]

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A salad shooter.

 

[hoosierdoc]

A guy does to the doctor and says: Dock, it hurts when I touch here, here, here, here, here, & here.

Doctor says: That's easy, you have a broken finger.

Hah, I used that on a patient just LAST NIGHT! hilarious

 

[spasmo]

While walking along a beach, a man finds a lamp and rubs it off.

A genie appears and offers to grant the man one wish.

The man replys, "What about three?" The genie retorts " Look pal, I'm in a hurry, I've been cooped up in that lamp for. . ."

"OK, alright" the guy responds.

"Tell you what, I'm tired of paying for airplane tickets to Hawaii. I'd like you to build a bridge from California to Hawaii."

This irritates the genie.

He screams, "Hey, this isn't the movies. Your wish has to be practical."

"Do you know the engineering it would take to design that, the materials it would take, you'd have to compensate for plate techtonics, the continental shelf. . ."

"Geez" the guy responds, "Well, I'd really like to understand women."

The genie responds "Did you want two lanes or four? "

 

[williamsburg]

A few people were going camping and a Chinaman asked if he could come too.

They agreed telling him to bring the supplies.

They all arrive but see no Chinaman.

About a minute later he jumps out of the bushes yelling

SUPRISE!!!!

 

[Westside]

Horse walks into a bar, Bartender looks at the horse and says "hey, why the long face?"

 

[Doug]

Did you hear about the guy in the plastic surgeon's office picking his nose?

 

[Turn Key]

You asked for it...

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way.

 

[trapperDave]

Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta , and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! , shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each. "

Bubba says to his pal, " Billy Bob , look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Sand Mountain , sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama ."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama , ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?"

"Because this is a dry cleaners"

 

[trapperDave]

two pilots are flying a passenger plane cross country,they're exhausted from two many hours in the cockpit,while one pilot reaches across the console for his coffee,he accidently turns on the cockpit to cabin intercom and now the whole plane hears every word in the cockpit.."boy i'm beat, can't wait to get this bird on the ground,soon as i get home i'm gonna hit the rack and sleep though tomorrow" the one pilot say's... to that the other pilot responds"not me, first thing i'm gonna do is hit the pub , knock down a few martinis, and then ,i'm gonna sit on a real size toilet seat and take the crap of a lifetime." That's it?say's pilot number one?"nope," says the other pilot"you know that sexy redhedded stewardess we picked up in L.A.? well i'm gonna get her in the rack and ^%$# her brains out till monday!" with that the mortified red head goes running up the isle to get to the cabin and kill the intercom but on the way she trips over some old ladys leg that was in the isle, the sweet old lady consoles the fallen redhead and says to her,"slow down honey, don't be in such a rush, he has to land the plane , get a few drinks and take a crap first!"

 

[eldirector]

A string walked into a bar. The bartender scoffed and said "We don't serve your kind here!" So, the sting left, only to return a few minutes later all tied up and rather disheveled. The bartender sneers "You again, aren't you a string?" To which the string replied "No, I'm a frayed knot.".

 

[Bunnykid68]

Quick, get a helmet, a woodpecker is coming

 

[Titanium_Frost]

I was walking through a department store the other day when I saw a sign on the escalator the read "Out of Service" and I thought, an escalator i snever really out of service, it just becomes stairs.

The sign should have read "Escalator broken, temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

-Mitch Hedberg

 

[Westside]

http://youtu.be/RCBn5J83Poc

 

[Sureshot129]

A pirate walks in to a bar with a steering wheel in the front of his pants.
Bartender says "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
Pirate says "Arrrrrr it driving me nuts!"

A skeleton walks into a bar what dose he order?







A beer and a mop!

 

[indyjoe]

A bartender walks into a Catholic Church, then into a Synagogue. He doesn't really understand how jokes work.