INGO: Joke of the day page

[goinggreyfast]

To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching
his wife, who was looking at herself in the
mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her
birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still
looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made
her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her
to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put
her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the
Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster,
everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme
park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt
upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where
he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and
her *favorite *candy, M&M's. What a fabulous
adventure!*
*
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed exhausted.*
*
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being
eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly
changed.
*
'I meant my dress size you idiot!!!!'
**_
The moral of the story: Even when a man is
listening, he is gonna get it wrong._*

 

[RobbyMaQ]

An Illegal alien, a Communist, and a Muslim walk into a bar.
The Bartender says "Hi Mr. President!"

 

[goinggreyfast]

Two cannibals meet on the path one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"

 

[goinggreyfast]

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace.
Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed,

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!

 

[goinggreyfast]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

[DarkRose]

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

 

[williamsburg]

Scenario:

Your wife comes out of the kitchen and starts yelling at you while you watch the game.

Question:

What have you done wrong?

Answer:

Made her chain too long!

 

[goinggreyfast]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...

Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells . . . . . .

"SUPPLIES!"

 

[wizard_of_ahs]

The Reunion Group

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.

Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before!

 

[goinggreyfast]

The politician went to go out to the local reservation and to get the Native American vote.
They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited.

"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!".

The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.

"I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya..."

 

[goinggreyfast]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. You see I'm a gynecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted.

 

[Jimmy0315]

tell me a joke

Does anyone know any good one or two line jokes. O yes I can bing them but let's go old school. I want jokes that's been lost over the years.

 

[hoosierdoc]

What's the difference between an orange?

 

[SaintsNSinners]

Obama loves America

 

[Mosinowner]

The mods don't enjoy banning people

 

[Mosinguy]

What jokes do you like? I've got jokes I tell around strangers, jokes for parents, and jokes for my fellow public school classmates. All have varying levels of inappropriateness.

 

[PINski1015]

Two guys walk into a bar, they both fall over.

heh

 

[snapping turtle]

These are from my daughter:

What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.

Why did the turtle cross the road? to get to the shell station.

 

[turnandshoot4]

If you get through this tonight your eyes will be hurting.

https://www.indianagunowners.com/forums/break_room/25172-ingo_joke_of_the_day_page.html

 

[Indy_Guy_77]

A guy does to the doctor and says: Dock, it hurts when I touch here, here, here, here, here, & here.

Doctor says: That's easy, you have a broken finger.

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A Priest, a Construction Worker, and a Cowboy walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

********