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Be sure to read this post! Beware of scammers. https://www.indianagunowners.com/threads/classifieds-new-online-payment-guidelines-rules-paypal-venmo-zelle-etc.511734/
INGO: Joke of the day page
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So a man is going to a viewing at a funeral home just a block or so from his house, so he decides to walk over. As he enters the funeral home, a coffin starts violently rocking back and forth, and then begins to move across the floor toward him! The man, frightened, runs out the door into the street only to have the coffin bust through the door and come straight toward him.
The man then turns, and runs down the street toward his house as fast as he can. Still, the coffin chases him. He goes into his house and locks the door tight behind. BOOM, the coffins slams straight through the front door. Up the stairs the man runs to his master bedroom. BOOM, the coffins still gets through the door.
Finally, the poor man runs into the master bathroom and shuts the door tight. BOOM, again enters the coffin. Out of options and nowhere left to go, the man reaches into the medicine cabinet and grabs a bottle of Robitussin. As he flings the liquid toward the looming menace, the coffin stops...
The man then turns, and runs down the street toward his house as fast as he can. Still, the coffin chases him. He goes into his house and locks the door tight behind. BOOM, the coffins slams straight through the front door. Up the stairs the man runs to his master bedroom. BOOM, the coffins still gets through the door.
Finally, the poor man runs into the master bathroom and shuts the door tight. BOOM, again enters the coffin. Out of options and nowhere left to go, the man reaches into the medicine cabinet and grabs a bottle of Robitussin. As he flings the liquid toward the looming menace, the coffin stops...
jmiller676
Master
So a man is going to a viewing at a funeral home just a block or so from his house, so he decides to walk over. As he enters the funeral home, a coffin starts violently rocking back and forth, and then begins to move across the floor toward him! The man, frightened, runs out the door into the street only to have the coffin bust through the door and come straight toward him.
The man then turns, and runs down the street toward his house as fast as he can. Still, the coffin chases him. He goes into his house and locks the door tight behind. BOOM, the coffins slams straight through the front door. Up the stairs the man runs to his master bedroom. BOOM, the coffins still gets through the door.
Finally, the poor man runs into the master bathroom and shuts the door tight. BOOM, again enters the coffin. Out of options and nowhere left to go, the man reaches into the medicine cabinet and grabs a bottle of Robitussin. As he flings the liquid toward the looming menace, the coffin stops...
wizard_of_ahs
Expert
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
I'm still looking for a place to live.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
I'm still looking for a place to live.
So a man is going to a viewing at a funeral home just a block or so from his house, so he decides to walk over. As he enters the funeral home, a coffin starts violently rocking back and forth, and then begins to move across the floor toward him! The man, frightened, runs out the door into the street only to have the coffin bust through the door and come straight toward him.
The man then turns, and runs down the street toward his house as fast as he can. Still, the coffin chases him. He goes into his house and locks the door tight behind. BOOM, the coffins slams straight through the front door. Up the stairs the man runs to his master bedroom. BOOM, the coffins still gets through the door.
Finally, the poor man runs into the master bathroom and shuts the door tight. BOOM, again enters the coffin. Out of options and nowhere left to go, the man reaches into the medicine cabinet and grabs a bottle of Robitussin. As he flings the liquid toward the looming menace, the coffin stops...
..and this, Ladies and Gentlemen, is why we need Neg Rep back
So a man is going to a viewing at a funeral home just a block or so from his house, so he decides to walk over. As he enters the funeral home, a coffin starts violently rocking back and forth, and then begins to move across the floor toward him! The man, frightened, runs out the door into the street only to have the coffin bust through the door and come straight toward him.
The man then turns, and runs down the street toward his house as fast as he can. Still, the coffin chases him. He goes into his house and locks the door tight behind. BOOM, the coffins slams straight through the front door. Up the stairs the man runs to his master bedroom. BOOM, the coffins still gets through the door.
Finally, the poor man runs into the master bathroom and shuts the door tight. BOOM, again enters the coffin. Out of options and nowhere left to go, the man reaches into the medicine cabinet and grabs a bottle of Robitussin. As he flings the liquid toward the looming menace, the coffin stops...
My FIL used to say "It's not the cough that carries you off, it's the coffin they carry you off in".
Another funny and true story, my dad told me this earlier today...
Last month, my grandmother passed away. In the process of taking care of her affairs, my mother had sent in a payment for grandma's credit card, to pay it off completely (all $30 of it) AND a copy of grandma's death certificate.
A few days ago, as my dad gets home from picking up my son from daycare while I was at work, the phone was ringing as he gets into the garage and he answers it. It's a lady from grandma's Mastercard company, she told my dad that they had received the payment (signed by my dad as personal representative, PR of the estate), but there was also a death certificate...
My dad said yes, as his mother was the account holder and had just passed away in early December. So the lady says
"Well, what do you want done with the account?"
Dad says close it, mom is gone, she was the sole account holder, no one else can use it...
"Are you sure? Have you thought about this?"
Dad replies yes, the account needs to be closed as his mother is gone now.
"But have you really thought about whether or not you want to completely close the account?"
Now, my grandfather passed in 1980, so there is no one else to use the account... Dad says yes, please close it...
This whole loops goes on for about 5 minutes, dad is getting irritated, because my son apparently is into things in the garage, etc. So dad finally says
"Lady, do you happen to be blonde by any chance?"
"Why yes, how could you tell...?"
"That figures" <click>
As he hung up on her...
Last month, my grandmother passed away. In the process of taking care of her affairs, my mother had sent in a payment for grandma's credit card, to pay it off completely (all $30 of it) AND a copy of grandma's death certificate.
A few days ago, as my dad gets home from picking up my son from daycare while I was at work, the phone was ringing as he gets into the garage and he answers it. It's a lady from grandma's Mastercard company, she told my dad that they had received the payment (signed by my dad as personal representative, PR of the estate), but there was also a death certificate...
My dad said yes, as his mother was the account holder and had just passed away in early December. So the lady says
"Well, what do you want done with the account?"
Dad says close it, mom is gone, she was the sole account holder, no one else can use it...
"Are you sure? Have you thought about this?"
Dad replies yes, the account needs to be closed as his mother is gone now.
"But have you really thought about whether or not you want to completely close the account?"
Now, my grandfather passed in 1980, so there is no one else to use the account... Dad says yes, please close it...
This whole loops goes on for about 5 minutes, dad is getting irritated, because my son apparently is into things in the garage, etc. So dad finally says
"Lady, do you happen to be blonde by any chance?"
"Why yes, how could you tell...?"
"That figures" <click>
As he hung up on her...
Last edited:
halfmileharry
Grandmaster
The Darwin Awards (US OF A) are out. True Stories !!!
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, �Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The frustrated gunman walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and the perp had been punished enough!
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
*** Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce, and, they VOTE!!!
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, �Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The frustrated gunman walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and the perp had been punished enough!
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
*** Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce, and, they VOTE!!!
breaking news: korea now has nuclear weapons...
...of course americans should not be afraid....
...have you ever bought anything made in korea
check this one
http://www.fox59.com/news/nationworld/ktla-vermont-pig-decal-police,0,4444257.story
...of course americans should not be afraid....
...have you ever bought anything made in korea
check this one
http://www.fox59.com/news/nationworld/ktla-vermont-pig-decal-police,0,4444257.story
Last edited:
halfmileharry
Grandmaster
REMINDER....
Today is National "Hug a dumass" Day so don't freak out like you did last year when someone tries to give you a hug.
Today is National "Hug a dumass" Day so don't freak out like you did last year when someone tries to give you a hug.
wizard_of_ahs
Expert
Testicle Therapy
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skilful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'?
Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skilful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'?
Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
The Department of Transportation has announced that all vehicles manufactured after March 1 2012 the headlight dimmer switch will be relocated from it's current location, integrated into the turn signal switch, to the previously used location on driver's the floorboard.
This is due to the growing number of collisions caused by blonde female drivers getting their left foot caught on the steering column when attempting to dim their headlights.
This is due to the growing number of collisions caused by blonde female drivers getting their left foot caught on the steering column when attempting to dim their headlights.
halfmileharry
Grandmaster
A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he
was there, a Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant from the local Naval Air Station walked in
and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a support monkey, please."
The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put
a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the sergeant, saying, "That'll be
$1,000." The sergeant paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive
monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did
that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a combat support monkey, he can rig aircraft
flight controls, score 300 on the Marine Corps PT test, set up a perimeter defense and
perform the duties of air traffic controller with no mistakes. It's well worth the
money."
The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive--
$10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one is a aviation "Maintenance Supervisor"
monkey; it can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the
organizational and depot level, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful
monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The
price tag read, "$50,000". The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than
all the others put together! What in the world could it do?"
"Well" said the shopkeeper, "I've never actually seen him do anything but sit around,
flirt with the girl monkeys, drink beer and play with himself.....
"but his papers say he's a Navy pilot!"
was there, a Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant from the local Naval Air Station walked in
and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a support monkey, please."
The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put
a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the sergeant, saying, "That'll be
$1,000." The sergeant paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive
monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did
that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a combat support monkey, he can rig aircraft
flight controls, score 300 on the Marine Corps PT test, set up a perimeter defense and
perform the duties of air traffic controller with no mistakes. It's well worth the
money."
The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive--
$10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one is a aviation "Maintenance Supervisor"
monkey; it can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the
organizational and depot level, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful
monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The
price tag read, "$50,000". The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than
all the others put together! What in the world could it do?"
"Well" said the shopkeeper, "I've never actually seen him do anything but sit around,
flirt with the girl monkeys, drink beer and play with himself.....
"but his papers say he's a Navy pilot!"
Snow White was walking through the Super Bowl Village in Indianapolis with Superman and Pinocchio, just checking out the sites. They passed on the NFL Experience because of the crowding, and walked on down the street.
Soon, they came to a tent pitched off to the side that had a sign out front reading, "Beauty contest! The most beautiful woman in the world wins!"
Snow White decided she would enter this contest, figuring that she would win hands down. Superman and Pinocchio waited outside for her, and sure enough, she came back out of the tent with a huge smile and tiara.
And they walked on down the street.
Before too much longer, they encountered another venue with a sign advertising a "World's Strongest Man" contest. "Wait here," said the Son of Krypton. Snow White and Pinocchio waited as requested, and sure enough, the Man of Steel emerged with a commemorative old-timey weightlifter bodysuit and barbell.
And they walked on down the street.
Before much longer, they came upon a sign pitching a "Lying contest. Who's the world's Biggest Liar?"
Pinocchio confidently asked his friends to wait for him to slam-dunk this challenge. So they waited.
And waited.....
And waited.....
And..... FINALLY, Pinocchio emerged. His shoulders were slumped, his chin quivered. A tear sneaked down his cheek.
Quite astonished, Superman asked, "Didn't you win?"
Pinocchio looked at his friend and opened his mouth to answer, then shut it. He sniffled and took a deep breath.
Finally, he seemed to gather himself and asked in a small voice, "Who is that Obama guy?"
Soon, they came to a tent pitched off to the side that had a sign out front reading, "Beauty contest! The most beautiful woman in the world wins!"
Snow White decided she would enter this contest, figuring that she would win hands down. Superman and Pinocchio waited outside for her, and sure enough, she came back out of the tent with a huge smile and tiara.
And they walked on down the street.
Before too much longer, they encountered another venue with a sign advertising a "World's Strongest Man" contest. "Wait here," said the Son of Krypton. Snow White and Pinocchio waited as requested, and sure enough, the Man of Steel emerged with a commemorative old-timey weightlifter bodysuit and barbell.
And they walked on down the street.
Before much longer, they came upon a sign pitching a "Lying contest. Who's the world's Biggest Liar?"
Pinocchio confidently asked his friends to wait for him to slam-dunk this challenge. So they waited.
And waited.....
And waited.....
And..... FINALLY, Pinocchio emerged. His shoulders were slumped, his chin quivered. A tear sneaked down his cheek.
Quite astonished, Superman asked, "Didn't you win?"
Pinocchio looked at his friend and opened his mouth to answer, then shut it. He sniffled and took a deep breath.
Finally, he seemed to gather himself and asked in a small voice, "Who is that Obama guy?"
wizard_of_ahs
Expert
Man killed on Golf course...the price of honesty !!
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.
The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically,
"I guess all those f---ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help!!!"
One of the men immediately responds,
"Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
Poor guy, never even had a chance to duck!! He was 43.
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.
The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically,
"I guess all those f---ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help!!!"
One of the men immediately responds,
"Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"
Poor guy, never even had a chance to duck!! He was 43.
MY DADDY IS A DANCER
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... And so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... And so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."
Mosinowner
Grandmaster
- Aug 1, 2011
- 5,927
- 38
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
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