INGO: Joke of the day page

[SolidSnake99]

MY LAST TRIP TO COSTCO
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of
Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog,
and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me
asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, I had an elephant? So since I'm retired
and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no,
I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that
the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with
Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you
feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works
well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line
was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because
the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass
and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart
attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco doesn't want me to shop there anymore.

 

[MAJB Retired]

Ten times when using the "f "word was probably acceptable:

10. "What the f was that?" -Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those f Indians come from?" -Custer, 1877

8. "Any f idiot could understand that." -Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so f look like her!" -Picasso, 1926

6. "How the f did you work that out?" -Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the f ceiling?" -Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the f are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered f showers....My ***!" -Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1999

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f mad." Osama bin Laden, November 2001

"I didn't think they would f through me out in 2012" -- Barrack Obama November 7, 2012

 

[MAJB Retired]

We can only wish....

 

[MAJB Retired]

Why does NY stae have New York city and New Jersey have all the toxic waste sites?


New Jersey had first choice...

 

[SirRealism]

Why to brides wear white?

To match the other kitchen appliances..

I think you were scooped: INGO: Joke of the day page - Page 82 - INGunOwners
https://www.indianagunowners.com/forums/2493727-post816.html


I'm glad I'm not the only one with a fault memory. ha ha

 

[AllenM]

It was reported this morning that John Boehner called the president.

"Mr. President, it seems that Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq this morning."

To everyone's amazement and confusion, the blood drained from the presidents face. He lay his head on his desk, whimpering and crying out to God. His hands shaking and tears streamed down his face.
He then composed himself, picked up the phone and asked....

"First things first John, just exactly, how many is a brazillion?"

 

[FordMan08]

Funny Letter to Dear Abby:

Dear Abby,
Yesterday I was standing in my bathroom naked, masturbating while looking at the neighbor lady sunbathing. I turned and saw my wife in the doorway staring at me without saying a word. Is she a pervert??

Thanks, Raymond

 

[goinggreyfast]

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

 

[Hoosierdood]

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing: "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

 

[goinggreyfast]

Whaaaat????

 

[goinggreyfast]

Comedian Tim Hawkins on Hand Sanitizer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Wzxlv5vdN9I#!

 

[Caleb]

There are 10 types of people in this world. Scott Morris and everyone else!

 

[Davegrave]

There are 10 types of people in this world. Scott Morris and everyone else!

I always heard that there were ..--- types of people, Samuel Morse and everyone else.

 

[Caleb]

I always heard that there were ..--- types of people, Samuel Morse and everyone else.

Original joke is: "There are only 10 kinds of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't"

 

[sharkey]

There are 3 kinds of people in this world. Those who are good at math, and those who aren't.

 

[$mooth]

There are 3 kinds of people in this world. Those who are good at math, and those who aren't.

That's in line with "there are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't"

 

[Bunnykid68]

There are 2 kind of people in this world, bullies and wimps...and hot Asian chicks

 

[Dave Doehrman]

Heartwarming Lawyer Story

One afternoon I was driving a client of mine a (lawyer) in thelimousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered me to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Wehave to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feedyou," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are overthere, under that tree."

"Bring them along," my lawyer friend replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us,also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have awife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the limo, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the 120 in. Super stretchlimousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,"Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.You'll really love my place.The grass is almost a foot high."
--




.

 

[goinggreyfast]

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 6-year-old granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"
She said "It's President's Day!"
She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc.
... She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose...

 

[Scratcher]

This cracks me up every time I watch it

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcnFbCCgTo4[/ame]