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INGO: Joke of the day page
- Thread starter FordMan08
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It looks like we found the 1 out of 10 that don't enjoy it
Rape is never funny my friend.
You are correct to an extent
Unless its happening to Sandusky when he goes to prison, along with any other child molester. I'll make sure and keep my fingers crossed for that one
Not enough coffee today, thanks for the catch.
halfmileharry
Grandmaster
The "bye" is the smart money.
A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.
HANGOVER RATINGS
* 1 STAR HANGOVER *
- No pain. no real feeling of illness.
- You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic
cones in there with you.
- You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up
from all those vodka and Red Bulls.
- However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched
as the Sahara.
- Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.
** 2 STAR HANGOVER **
- No pain, but something is definitely amiss.
- You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity
of a stapler.
- The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your
rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.
- Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing
your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some
light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk
e-mails.
*** 3 STAR HANGOVER ***
- Slight headache.
- Stomach feels crap.
- You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.
- Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave
reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends
after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.
- Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab
and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.
- You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and
a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
**** 4 STAR HANGOVER ****
- You have lost the will to live.
- Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you
might spew.
- Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a
lecture for reeking of booze.
- You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the
fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial
spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
dodgems.
- Your teeth have their own individual sweaters.
- Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look
like a reject from a second-grade class circus 1976.
- You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a
cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could
go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
- You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
***** 5 STAR HANGOVER *****
- You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying
the employee who sits next to you.
- Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
- You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from
brushing your teeth.
- Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is
suffocating you.
- You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your
body.
- Death seems pretty good right now.
- Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that
your dog just died because you look so pathetic.
- You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can
manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.
****** 6 STAR HANGOVER ******
- You arrive home and climb into bed.
- Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the
taxi.
- You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you
up.
- You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying
relentlessly around the room.
- No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.
- You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under
full sail.
- After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking
off all the pictures, you find the toilet.
- If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you
spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your
impersonation of walrus mating calls.
- You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in
the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the
walrus noises, spitting, and farting.
- Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.
- Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts.
- Help now turns intoabuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving
you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous
eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't
relent.
- You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out
and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last
occasion.
- It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the
day as you try to climb into bed.
- She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of
dried vomit in your hair.
- You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for
them driving you to the hospital.
- Work is simply not an option.
- The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you
sick again, like moving.
- You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or
three hours at least you might even succeed.
* 1 STAR HANGOVER *
- No pain. no real feeling of illness.
- You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic
cones in there with you.
- You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up
from all those vodka and Red Bulls.
- However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched
as the Sahara.
- Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.
** 2 STAR HANGOVER **
- No pain, but something is definitely amiss.
- You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity
of a stapler.
- The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your
rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast.
- Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing
your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some
light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk
e-mails.
*** 3 STAR HANGOVER ***
- Slight headache.
- Stomach feels crap.
- You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.
- Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave
reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends
after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.
- Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab
and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.
- You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and
a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
**** 4 STAR HANGOVER ****
- You have lost the will to live.
- Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you
might spew.
- Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a
lecture for reeking of booze.
- You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the
fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial
spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
dodgems.
- Your teeth have their own individual sweaters.
- Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look
like a reject from a second-grade class circus 1976.
- You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a
cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could
go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
- You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.
***** 5 STAR HANGOVER *****
- You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying
the employee who sits next to you.
- Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
- You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from
brushing your teeth.
- Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is
suffocating you.
- You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your
body.
- Death seems pretty good right now.
- Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that
your dog just died because you look so pathetic.
- You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can
manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.
****** 6 STAR HANGOVER ******
- You arrive home and climb into bed.
- Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the
taxi.
- You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you
up.
- You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying
relentlessly around the room.
- No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.
- You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under
full sail.
- After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking
off all the pictures, you find the toilet.
- If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you
spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your
impersonation of walrus mating calls.
- You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in
the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the
walrus noises, spitting, and farting.
- Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived.
- Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts.
- Help now turns intoabuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving
you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous
eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't
relent.
- You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out
and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last
occasion.
- It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the
day as you try to climb into bed.
- She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of
dried vomit in your hair.
- You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for
them driving you to the hospital.
- Work is simply not an option.
- The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you
sick again, like moving.
- You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two or
three hours at least you might even succeed.
halfmileharry
Grandmaster
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Another funny but true... Maybe sad but true, though this time not from work...
Was in a local pawn shop about 2 weeks ago just checking out what they had in the gun section when a darker-skinned man (not trying to infer anything, I have no clue as to nationality, possibly Hispanic, Caribbean, part African, not sure...) walks in, dressed in what I can only call "Urban Flamboyant"... You know, somewhere in that scary No-Man's Land between gangsta and Richard Simmons... And had a voice to almost match Richard Simmons, despite being 3 times as big...
He proceeded to ask the clerk back there if they "sold clips fo a Fotay-Fi..."
I had to walk away, the clerk almost didn't make it. He managed to control himself long enough to tell the guy he'd go get the person who normally works back there because they'd have a better idea if they had the right ones...
Was in a local pawn shop about 2 weeks ago just checking out what they had in the gun section when a darker-skinned man (not trying to infer anything, I have no clue as to nationality, possibly Hispanic, Caribbean, part African, not sure...) walks in, dressed in what I can only call "Urban Flamboyant"... You know, somewhere in that scary No-Man's Land between gangsta and Richard Simmons... And had a voice to almost match Richard Simmons, despite being 3 times as big...
He proceeded to ask the clerk back there if they "sold clips fo a Fotay-Fi..."
I had to walk away, the clerk almost didn't make it. He managed to control himself long enough to tell the guy he'd go get the person who normally works back there because they'd have a better idea if they had the right ones...
So, you were trying to restrain yourself from taking him to task for saying "clip" when he meant "magazine"?
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United
States .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing,
food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in America."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !"
That person puts up his hand and says,
"I am from Middle East . I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks,
"Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa."
Puzzled, he asks her,
"Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says,
"Probably at work."
WOW!
This is a joke... In the joke thread....nothing wrong with that!
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