INGO: Joke of the day page

[jlm223]

The Whales

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean. Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognises it as the whaling ship that killed his father. Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"

When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous mounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off when they realised that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean. The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no, no, no..... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen....."

 

[Roadie]

IBTL?

 

[Markedup]

Seems a guy cruises thru a stop sign and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 45 ACP in the glove box. And, I've got a .380 Ruger in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

"Not a darn thing..."

 

[Suprtek]

Christmas Carols for the disturbed


1. Schizophrenia--- Do I Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder--- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia---I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic---Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic---Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid--- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder--- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder---You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder--- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder- --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells......

 

[Andre46996]

Santa Clause and lovely young woman

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.
She says “Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you‘d like to come into my bedroom.“
Santa responds “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.“
The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says “I‘ve got something special for you Santa. Can‘t you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgettable.“
Santa responds “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know.“
Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says “Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift.“
Santa responds “Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can‘t get up the chimney this way!“

 

[Andre46996]

Clyde

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
“Jesus Christ!“ he shouted.
Joseph said, “Write that down, Mary; it‘s better than Clyde!“

 

[fullauto 45]

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parent's home.

I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster. Champagne.

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

“No,” she replied. “but my mother’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”

I just said, "Enjoy!"

 

[nawainwright]

Absolutely The Funniest Joke Ever! ON US
Does anybody out there have any memory of the reason given for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY during the Carter Administration?
Anybody? Anything? No?


Bottom line . . we've spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency the reason for which not one person who reads this can remember.


Ready? It was very simple, and at the time everybody thought it very appropriate.


The Department of Energy was instituted 8-04-1977 TO "LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL."




Hey, pretty efficient, .......HUH?

AND NOW IT'S 2008, 31 YEARS LATER, AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS NECESSARY DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR, THEY HAVE 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES, AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES AND LOOK AT THE JOB THEY HAVE DONE!


THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY: 'WHAT WAS I THINKING?'


Ah yes, good ole bureaucracy. And now we are going to turn the Banking system over to them?............

 

[kboom524]

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township Volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside around the plant and without even slowing down they drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before nor since. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

 

[Turn Key]

It's Here Already...

JOKE OF THE YEAR



Two women were sitting together, quietly minding their own business.










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[Rocky1927]

Joined this forum just minutes ago and found this thread.
I'm gonna like this place!

 

[Turn Key]

Why Italians pass their handguns down through the family

An old Italian man is dying.

He calls his grandson to his bedside... " Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.

Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man...

Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

 

[jlm223]

Homer and Daisy

A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just
couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left
the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from
the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at
bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to
travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just
wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. "Homer," said
the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when
you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy's
signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one
day when Homer came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked
the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?" "Oh, it worked good," said Homer.
"Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and
Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then
she'd go back home agin." "Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked
the Doc. "Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since
huntin' season started!"

 

[Rayne]

Why did the chicken cross the road?




To Prove to the possum it could be done.

 

[semperfi211]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST









I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It
was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend
down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate.
Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me
that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last
wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very
happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome
to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:



Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[Muddy_Ford]

That

was

Awesome!

 

[paintball_addiction]

I'm as bored as Michael Vick at a PETA convention...

 

[BSUrugger]

Just in time for tax season.

So a man and his lawyer are called by the IRS for the man to be audited.
The man claims that he makes his money gambling, which the IRS agent still finds to be fishy, so he says, "Here, I'll prove it to you, I bet you $1000 that I can bite my eye!"

"Deal!" cries the auditor, thinking there's no way he can lose. The man proceeds to pull out his glass eye and chomp down on it.
The auditor is aghast when the man says: "Alright, now I bet you $2000 that I can bite my other eye."

Desperate to get his money back the IRS agent agrees. The man pulls out his dentures and bites his other eye.

The auditor is a wreck by now, he's just lost $3000 dollars to this guy with the lawyer as a witness. The man says, "Alright, last one, double or nothing. I bet I can stand on this side of your desk and pee into that trash can over there without getting a single drop in between!" And again, the desperate auditor agrees, thinking the task impossible.

The man stands up, unzips his pants, and pees all over the auditor's desk. The auditor is ecstatic, but the lawyer is starting to cry. When the auditor asks why he says: "When he told me he had to come to be audited he bet me $20,000 that he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

 

[irishfan]

I have a good one!

The Colts Defense

 

[Turn Key]

Welfare Check

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE
drawing welfare I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and Bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
To escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips This is rather awkward.

To say, but you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy
Her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong Sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."




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