INGO: Joke of the day page

[tmfinney]

"Baby, baby, baby ooh!"
Mom: *walks in* Are you listening to Justin Bieber?
Daughter: No, I'm watching porn.
Mom: Oh thank goodness.

 

[Suprtek]

Barrack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he
tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were
fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered
the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disney World &
Barrack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan
shoes. Barrack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael
Jordan sign them.'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a
built in TV and stereo headset.'

Barrack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you
don't look like you're handicapped.

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from
drowning.'

 

[Suprtek]

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed
when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady, upon
whom I was performing this exam, suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
Was I tickling you?" She
replied, with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard, "No
doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . . 'I wish I was an Oscar
Meyer Wiener'.
~ ~ Dr. wouldn't submit his name ~ ~

 

[acase20]

An old lady was arrested for stealing a can of peaches. In court the judge asked her why she had stole the can of peaches. She said because I was hungry the judge thought for a moment and then asked how many peaches were in the can. She answered him and said four. He said since you stole four peaches you will serve four days in jail. As soon as that was said the old womans husband stands up in the back of the room and says."she also stole a can of peas."

 

[Turn Key]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, ya’ will be when the tide cooms in."


>>>

 

[kboom524]

 

[jlm223]

Photo on Nightstand

After a long night of making love, ​

​

the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. ​

​

He begins to worry. ​

​

'Is this your husband?' ​

​

he nervously asks. ​

​

'No, silly,' ​

​

she replies, snuggling up to him. ​

​

'Your boyfriend, then?' ​

​

he continues. ​

​

'No, not at all,' ​

​

she says, nibbling away at his ear. ​

​

'Is it your dad or your brother?' ​

​

he inquires, hoping to be reassured. ​

​

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers. ​

​

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' ​

​

he demands. ​

​

She whispers in his ear ​

​

'That's me before the surgery.' ... ​

​

 

[nawainwright]

What did the electrician say to the foxy brunette in the bar?

Hey baby, how bout we go back to your place and we'll jiggle my plug in your socket and see if sparks fly.

ROTFL

 

[gvbcraig]

NEW LAW - Women Only

New Law:​

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a 'Women Only' parking lot at the Mall of America. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota ..

and yes I have my wife's permission to post this.








​

​

 

[Turn Key]

Very Funny

By Jimmy Ferris of Spur Texas

enjoy the story, a bit long but well worth the time ( )

TK

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzabmVIU6EQ&feature=player_embedded]YouTube - MVI_3406.AVI By Jimmy Ferris Spur Texas[/ame]

 

[nawainwright]

A biker is riding along a country lane, when a bird flies up in front of him. The biker can't do anything and hits the bird.

As he looks in his rear view mirror, he sees the bird lying in the road.

Being the kind of guy he is, he stops, turns around, picks up the bird and takes it home and puts it in a cage, still in a coma.

When the bird wakes up the following morning, he looks through the bars of the cage and says, "Crap, I must have killed that biker".

 

[Turn Key]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!

You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."



>>

 

[DarkRose]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!

You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."



>>

The classics never get old...

 

[Roadie]

The Perfect Husband

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]MAN: "Hello" [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]MAN: "Yes." [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked." [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]MAN: "How much?" [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]WOMAN: "$90,000." [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it." [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]want." [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!" [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]astonishment, mouths wide open. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]He turns and asks,
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Anyone know whose phone this is?" [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]



[/FONT]

 

[acase20]

 

[semperfi211]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in
front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa .

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his Cocoa , 'It's the 20th anniversary of
the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I
was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and
sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and
said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out today.'

 

[Roadie]

Police DO Care!

[FONT=&quot]I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don't care. Well, here is a story that shows not all cops are in that category.

The Fredericksburg, TX. Police Department reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the Pedernales River near the HW-87 Bridge. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Kerrville, TX. He was wearing black fishnet Stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

Police do care[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

 

[kobra]

Why did the female skydiver wear a jockstrap?





So she wouldn't whistle on the way down!

 

[hoosierdaddy1976]

sorry if this is a repost:

A couple has a dog that snores.
Annoyed because she can't sleep,
the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles,
and he will stop snoring.
'Yeah right!' she says.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep

Muttering to herself,
she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon
and ties it carefully around the
dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed.
Later that night,
her husband returns home drunk
from being out drinking with his buddies.
He climbs into bed,
falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.
The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him.
So, she goes to the closet again,
grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor
and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet,
he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused,

and as he walks back into the bedroom,
he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,
'I don't know where we were or what we did,

but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place

 

[DarkRose]

sorry if this is a repost:

A couple has a dog that snores.
Annoyed because she can't sleep,
the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles,
and he will stop snoring.
'Yeah right!' she says.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep

Muttering to herself,
she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon
and ties it carefully around the
dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed.
Later that night,
her husband returns home drunk
from being out drinking with his buddies.
He climbs into bed,
falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.
The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him.
So, she goes to the closet again,
grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor
and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet,
he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused,

and as he walks back into the bedroom,
he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,
'I don't know where we were or what we did,

but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place

Reminds me of.... <hummmmmmm>

"A Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked he'd drunk more than his share
He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet
Then stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

chorus:
Ring ding diddle diddle i de o
Ring di diddle i o
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by,
And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
You see yon sleeping Scotsman who is young and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilt.

Ring ding diddle diddle i de o
Ring di diddle i o
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilt.

They crept up to the sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Then lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing but what God had graced him with upon his birth

Ring ding diddle diddle i de o
Ring di diddle i o
There was nothing there but what God gave upon his birth

They marveled for a moment then one said we'd best be gone
But let's leave a present for our friend before we move along
They took a blue silk ribbon and they tied it in a bow
Around the bonnie spar that the Scot's lifted kilt did show

Ring ding diddle diddle i de o
Ring di diddle i o
Around the bonnie spar that the Scot's lifted kilt did show

The Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled toward a tree
Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees
Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes
He said, 'Lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first
prize'

Ring ding diddle diddle i de o
Ring di diddle i o
He said, 'Lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize'