INGO: Joke of the day page

[Angie]

Classes for Women at

THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday June 10, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..




Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Complaining About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors

 

[SavageEagle]

Classes for Women at

THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday June 10, 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..




Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Complaining About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors

I would like to add to Class 11.

Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield. How to Apply Brakes Without Riding the Brake Pedal for 15 Blocks and Burning Up the Rotors/Brake Pads.

 

[TheLoneRaider]

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

​

 

[JBusch8899]

As it is Sunday........

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings..

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint................

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke......

(you're going to love this)

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

 

[Angie]

Ten Reasons Why a Christmas Tree is Better Than a Man

1. A Christmas tree knows that the angel always goes on top.
2. Once you spend enough time fiddling with its base, a Christmas tree always stands
erect.
3. A Christmas tree knows it looks much better with a woman’s touch.
4. When you bring out the ornament box, a Christmas tree knows who really has the
balls.
5. A Christmas tree is always the right fit, because you can assess the goods before
bringing it home.
6. A Christmas tree never shrinks when it gets cold outside.
7. If you get tired of one of its limbs, you can just saw it off.
8. When the Christmas tree starts to lose its needles and get saggy, you can throw it out.
9. When you put your box underneath the tree, the Christmas tree doesn’t immediately try
to open the package.
10. Because you’re in charge of decorating, you can ensure that the Christmas tree is
always well hung.

 

[rbrthenderson]

A zoo's male gorilla dies and leaves his female mate behind. The female stops eating and her health steadily declines. The zookeeper realizes he needs to get her a mate but can't afford another gorilla.

He approaches the zoo's janitor from Kentucky. "Would you put this gorilla suit on and have sex with the female gorilla for $500."

The janitor thinks about it and says, "I've got three conditions."

The zookeeper very happily says, "Absolutely, name them."

The janitor looks at him and says,


"Number 1 - Nobody can be here when it happens."

The zookeeper agrees quickly.

"Number 2 - You can never tell anyone."

The zookeeper nods his head in agreement.

"Number 3 - I'm probably gonna need at least 3 days to get $500."

 

[SavageEagle]

Went to buy a new truck..... I stopped by the Toyota Dealership yesterday for a look at the new Tacoma.

Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...

The salesman (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with his mind, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.

I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership........the guy had no sense of humor.

 

[EvilleDoug]

A doc told a man that masturbating before sex, often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "what the heck, I'll try it."He spent all day thinking where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, the restroom was too open & an alley was too unsafe. Finally he realized his solution. On his way home he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out & crawled underneath as if examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants & started to masturbate, he closed his eyes & thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a tug at his pant leg. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard , "This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted. "The cop says, "Well you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago!

 

[JBusch8899]

A Frenchman, a German, and a Jew were all hopelessly lost in the desert.

The Frenchman yells out, "I'm tired! I'm thirsty! I want some wine!"

The German yells out, "I'm tired! I'm thirsty! I want some beer!"

The Jew yells out, " "I'm tired! I'm thirsty! I must be diabetic!"

 

[SavageEagle]

A man was driving down the
road and ran out of gas.
Just at that moment,
a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems
to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the
man replied.

The bee told the man
to wait right there and
flew away. Minutes later,
the man watched as an
entire swarm of bees
flew to his car and
into his gas tank.
After a few minutes,
the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition
key and the car started
right up. 'Wow!' the man
exclaimed, 'what did you
put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered,

 

[Angie]

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied... 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a sh&t!

 

[NordicHeathenVinlander]

Edit

 

[SavageEagle]

FOR SALE:

Savage Stevens Model 62. Semi-automatic, .22lr, bump fire capable, tactical iron sights, swat style swivel studs (not installed), super stretchy elastic/rubber shoulder padded nylon sling, tactical bolt handle, and comes with super killer Federal Value pack .22lr (500rnds).

Asking $1500 or best higher offer. Numbnut and noob buyers welcome. Located in Ripsville. No pictures.

 

[jfed85]

FOR SALE:

Savage Stevens Model 62. Semi-automatic, .22lr, bump fire capable, tactical iron sights, swat style swivel studs (not installed), super stretchy elastic/rubber shoulder padded nylon sling, tactical bolt handle, and comes with super killer Federal Value pack .22lr (500rnds).

Asking $1500 or best higher offer. Numbnut and noob buyers welcome. Located in Ripsville. No pictures.

Pm sent!!! Haha

 

[JBusch8899]

........Haha

RE: You have received an infraction at INGunOwners

Private........ 6-29-2010 ...........8:00pm .......... Pending ..........1 ...........Classified Ads Rules Violation ............ Mod E5Ranger

 

[JBusch8899]

You can't beat me SavageEagle!

WTS/WTT: Llama 45 1911A1 ACP, SWAT Combat Model. No Pics. RARE collector model!

Stainless finish, Tactical plastic flexible sights, Original balsa wood grips , high velocity barrel, Magna lube slide, comes with 4 speedloader 'clips', original polyester holster with plastic belt clip, never shot and dropped once.

50 rnds Nigerian Milsurp included.

Asking $2500 FTF, or best highest offer. Will trade, make offer. I don't want to let this go, but its too nice to shoot.

If too many wish to obtain, I will ask for an INGO auction.

 

[AllenM]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with
a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.'
An ambulance just drove by!'' Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!' 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously
called out, 'how do you know they are having sex?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'

 

[TheLoneRaider]

I’m going to buy a farm two miles long and half inch wide said Jed.
What, would you grow on a farm that size, asked Roger.
Spaghetti, said Jed.

​

 

[E5RANGER375]

A man goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the
Man,

"What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space
Exploration and
Medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious...

So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man
And says,
What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and
John Deere
Tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks
He will
Try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you
Have?"

The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another
Great martini.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says,

"So, are you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

 

[Turn Key]

http://www.cpwsa.com/images/steamingcoffee.WMV


TK