INGO: Joke of the day page

[Angie]

So, the customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? If I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"














The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

 

[ThePope]

As told by my grandson, age 10.......

" What is silent and smells like carrots ? "




















" Bunny farts "


I am out.....

 

[EvilleDoug]

LOVE THAT RAISIN BREAD!
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.





The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her.

Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin."

 

[Turn Key]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Obama dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates. He is very [/FONT]
excited; all his life he's had a secret wish & longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.

'No, my son, I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to
a ladder that rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'

'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.' Exhausted, but with a
heart full of joy he climbs the ladder; yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'

'No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up.' Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: 'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

'No, my son.... I am Almighty God. But you look exhausted. Would you
like a cup of coffee..?'

'Yes! Please, my Lord,' Obama exclaims.

God looks behind him, claps his hands and yells out: 'Hey Mohammed --
two coffees!'

Keep your trust in God; your government has failed you miserably.




TK

 

[Angie]

Husband Wanted

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

"HUSBAND WANTED!

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON."

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?

Just look at you . . . you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

 

[MadBomber]

Three women, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.​

​

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. One of the young woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she explained. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."​

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear and answered the call. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The older woman began feeling very low-tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went into the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.
​

The other women raised their eyebrows and stared at her.​

​

The older woman finally said.. "Well, will you look at that... I'm getting a fax!!"

 

[christman]

A baby seal walks into a club...

 

[MadBomber]

Deep in the back woods of Indiana, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father -to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!." ​

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. Whoa there, said the doctor, Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." ​

​

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor. ​

​

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor. ​

​

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?" ​

 

[Neo46121]

Jim has a total crush on Staci. Staci is the office intern and is a total knockout, but has had a steady boyfriend for years.

After 4 months of staring at Staci in all her beauty, Jim finally tells her how he feels. Ofcourse she denies him, but he tried to push his luck.

"Tell you what, how about a quicky and I'll just leave you alone from now on. I'll even give you $100 dollars if that makes it easier. I'll just throw the money on the ground, and I'll be "done" before your done picking it up"

She replies with "let me call my BOYFRIEND and see what he thinks"

Staci calls her boyfiend and he tells her to" ask for $200, and pick it up before he gets a chance to unzip his fly"

Boyfriend calls back after two and a half hours to see what happened and why it was raking so long for her to call him back. Staci answers the phone, panting heavily and with a tone of satisfaction in her voice. Boyfriend asks what took so long.

Her response......."Do you know how many dimes it takes to make $200?!?!"

 

[SavageEagle]

A baby seal walks into a club...

Yea, I actually had to explain that to my wife...

 

[christman]

Yea, I actually had to explain that to my wife...

that makes it even funnier!

 

[FordMan08]

 

[JBusch8899]

Did you know that the words "race car" spelled backwards still spells "race car"?

That "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last spells its past tense ate"?

And if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters it spells: "Go home you free-loading benefit-grabbing resource-sucking baby-making violent non-English-speaking a**h***s and take those other hairy-faced sandal-wearing bomb-making Camel-riding goat-loving raggedy-ass bastards with you?

 

[Angie]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

 

[Greatestsin]

The Female Marine Aviator

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from mommy when she's been drinking."

 

[Raye7r]

WARNING FROM MUSLIM LEADERS...
This morning, a coalition of Muslim leaders warned the United States that if military action against Muslim countries continues, they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 Managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL Customer Service Representatives. Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more candidates for President either. It's gonna get ugly people!

 

[Angie]

School Chums ----


Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since high school. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.


Rachel arrives first, wearing camel Versace. She orders a bottle of chilled chablis. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of chablis. Then Sam walks in, wearing a faded old Barbour anorak, blue jeans and Wellington boots. She too shares the wine.


Rachel explains that after leaving school and graduating from Princeton in Classics she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo.


Clare relates that she graduated from Harward Med School and became a Consultant Gynecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live on Long Island and have a second home in Florida .


Sam explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical birdpark in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.


Half way down the third bottle of chablis, several hours later, Rachel blurts out the her husband isn't Tim, he's Tom and he's a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small condo in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a storage facility.


Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are nurses in Bellevue.. They live in Jersey City and vacation at a motel in Orlando.


Samantha admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

 

[TheLoneRaider]

Joke of the day

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."

​

 

[w_ADAM_d88]

What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?


...A red headed b!*%$ with a yeast infection.

 

[JBusch8899]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ? Wonder no more !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Then they kick him in the ice hole."