INGO: Joke of the day page

[AllenM]

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags, I won the damn lottery!" The husband says, "Oh my gosh, this is great! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" She yells back, "It doesn't matter, just get out!"

 

[hodgej1843]

that is too funny^^^^^^^

 

[MadBomber]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Montana stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up
the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt..........

One button at a time.........

No one moves.................

He removes his shirt...............

Muscles ripple across his chest... ......


She gasps....................

He whispers..................


'Iron this..then get me a beer.'

 

[rich8483]

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And, now you sir?" he asked the second man.
"Hmmm...let me see "A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. "Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the previous three Answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh sure", said BUBBA. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already crapped my pants."
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you! You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!
Have a good day!!

 

[rich8483]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

[rich8483]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you give a crap?"

 

[MadBomber]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospect or, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."


There are a few lessons for us all here:


Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.

 

[mskendall]

A man got pulled over for swerving. The female officer asked "have you been drinking?" The man replied "yes." The officer placed him under arrest and read him his rights. "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be held against you." The man replies in a drunken stooper "booooobs, vaaagiiiiiina."

 

[tyler34]

Q: why do women wear white on their wedding day?


A: because the dishwasher has to match the fridge.

 

[target64]

A Mexican, an Arab, and an Arizona girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass
in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks a non-alcohol beer throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots
the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have
so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Arizona girl, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp,
throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Arizona , we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

 

[semperfi211]

Difference Between a Marine Officer And an NCO

A young Marine officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but
the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were
amputated. Since his hearing wasn't impaired he remained in the Marine
Corps. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of major general. He
was, however, very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the general was interviewing three Marines, prospects for his
headquarters staff.

The first was an aviator captain, and it was a great interview. At the end
of the interview the general asked him, "Do you notice anything different
about me?"

The young officer answered, "Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that
you have no ears."
The general got very angry at his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a logistics Lieutenant, and he was even
better. The general then asked him the same question, "Do you notice
anything different about me?" He replied sheepishly, "Well, Sir, you have no
ears."
The general, now really pissed, threw him out also.

The third interview was with a Marine gunnery sergeant, an infantryman and
Staff NCO. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know
more than the two officers combined. The general wanted this guy, and went
ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the sergeant said, "Yes, Sir, you wear contact lenses."
The general was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant
NCO, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that I wear
contacts?" the General asked.

"Well, Sir," the gunny replied, "it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no
f***ing ears."

 

[JBusch8899]

SLOW DAY IN TEXAS​

It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....


On this particular day a rich tourist from back East is driving through town. He stops at the hotel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.



As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.


The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.


At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.


No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.


And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a lesson in how politicians run the nuthouse. ​

 

[Knife Lady]

The Two Sisters

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after justa few years , they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the ranch from being repossessed by the bank, they need to purchase a bull to start breeding their own stock.

Upon leaving the brunette sister tells her blonde sister "when I get there if I decide to buy the bull I'll contact you to to drive out there and haul the bull home".

The brunette arrives at the mans ranch, inspects the bull and decides to buy him. The man tells her $599.00 nothing less. After paying him she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her of the news.

She walks into the telegraph office and says "I want to send my sister a telegram telling her I bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailor up to the pickup truck and drive out here and haul the bull back.

The telegraph operator informs her the cost will be .99 cents per word. Well after paying for the bull she determined she will only be able to send one word. She instructs the operator to send her sister the word "comfortable" The operator shakes his head " how is she going to know to hitch up the trailor to the truck and drive out and haul the bull back to the ranch using just the one word "comfortable"?

The brunette expalins " my sister is a blonde and she will read this very slowly ........com - for- da- bull.

 

[MrsXtremeVel]

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
decides to take a nap. Although
not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
woman and says, 'Good morning,
Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to
take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book?' she replies.

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says
the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

 

[w_ADAM_d88]

How do you **** off a female archeologist?...


Get a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.

 

[Knife Lady]

How do you **** of a female archeologist?...


Get a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.

EEEUUUUUUU

 

[Turn Key]

This is TOO good!
Yes, this IS what they would do if they were still here!
Read on:
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'...

TK

 

[SavageEagle]

I know, it's probably a repeat...

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write “For Marijuana”.
5. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
6. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face.
7. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go”.
8. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
9. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream “I Won! I Won!”
10. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards theParking lot, Yelling “Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!”
11. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.”

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

 

[SavageEagle]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
‘Oh, I really liked it,’ she replied, ‘especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.’
Dumbfounded, her date asked, ‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ I’m like….Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[EvilleDoug]

I don't know how old this is, ---- but I wanna play too

A BLIND OLD COWBOY IS SITTING AT A BAR

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
“Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wan to tell that joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “No. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.”