A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, “If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat.” He raised an eyebrow and replied, “If you weren’t so ugly it would lift itself.”
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hornadylnl
Shooter
- Nov 19, 2008
- 21,505
- 63
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.
'Go get your Mother.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.
'Go get your Mother.'
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says,
"" Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard,takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,
" Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."
"" Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard,takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,
" Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."
A man walks up to the same woman in the office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it any longer and goes to personnel.
She tells them what the co-worker does and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.
The personnel manager is puzzled by this and asks "Whats so sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?
The woman replies "its Keith, the midget".
After a week of this she can't stand it any longer and goes to personnel.
She tells them what the co-worker does and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.
The personnel manager is puzzled by this and asks "Whats so sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?
The woman replies "its Keith, the midget".
A duck walks into a bar, he asks the baertender do you have any grapes? The bartender replies no. So the duck leaves and comes back the next day and again askes for grapes. The bartender says no if you ask again ill nail your feet to the ground. So the duck leaves, comes back the next day and asks if they have any nails, the bartender replies no. The duck then says good, do you have any grapes?
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY AN INDIANA GIRL
Three friends married women from different parts of the country.
The first man married a woman from Utah . He told her that she was to do
the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean
house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Wyoming . He gave his wife orders that
she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he
didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third
day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge
dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Indiana. He ordered her to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the
table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the
second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling
had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was
healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.
Three friends married women from different parts of the country.
The first man married a woman from Utah . He told her that she was to do
the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean
house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Wyoming . He gave his wife orders that
she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he
didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third
day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge
dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Indiana. He ordered her to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the
table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the
second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling
had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was
healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.
have to what? pee?
SavageEagle
Grandmaster
- Apr 27, 2008
- 19,568
- 38
It's a full auto computer! Everyone RUN!!!! 
It's a full auto computer! Everyone RUN!!!!
Skynet
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
SavageEagle
Grandmaster
- Apr 27, 2008
- 19,568
- 38
Very important information has just been made public that I think is something you should all be aware of: Gonorrhea Lectim. The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim. It's pronounced "Gonna re-elect 'im."
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008 ..... but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.
It's sad because it is so easily cured with a new procedure just coming on the market called Vo-tem-out! You take the first dose/step in 2010 and the second dosage in 2012, and simply don't engage in such behavior again, otherwise it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it. Several states are already on top of this like Virginia and New Jersey , and now Massachusetts , with many more seeing the writing on the wall. Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really care about.
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008 ..... but now most people, after having been infected for the past 1-2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is.
It's sad because it is so easily cured with a new procedure just coming on the market called Vo-tem-out! You take the first dose/step in 2010 and the second dosage in 2012, and simply don't engage in such behavior again, otherwise it could become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it. Several states are already on top of this like Virginia and New Jersey , and now Massachusetts , with many more seeing the writing on the wall. Please pass this important message on to all those bright folk you really care about.
hornadylnl
Shooter
- Nov 19, 2008
- 21,505
- 63
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,
when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said:
'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!
when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said:
'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!
Naked Cowboy.......
>
>
>
>
>
> A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
>
> As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'
>
> The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....I was in this bar down the road and this
> pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
>
> We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
>
> Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.
>
> Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
>
> Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy..'
>
> 'And here I am.'
>
>
> Son of a Gun.
>
> Blonde Men do exist
>
>
>
>
>
> A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
>
> As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'
>
> The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....I was in this bar down the road and this
> pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
>
> We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
>
> Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.
>
> Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
>
> Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy..'
>
> 'And here I am.'
>
>
> Son of a Gun.
>
> Blonde Men do exist
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
She has her food prepared for her.
She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost.
She visits the Dr. once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.
She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free.
She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.
Holy
! My dog is a Democrat!
She has her food prepared for her.
She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost.
She visits the Dr. once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.
She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free.
She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.
Holy
! My dog is a Democrat! 
Hillbilly Mirror
After living in the remote wilderness of West Virginia all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy,
but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly 'beach' he's runnin' around with!!'
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy,
but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly 'beach' he's runnin' around with!!'
Air force one crashed...
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone, including the President.
They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off the tractor's engine.
"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States ?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning..."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't...
But you know how bad that sumb**** lies."
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone, including the President.
They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off the tractor's engine.
"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States ?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning..."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't...
But you know how bad that sumb**** lies."
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