INGO: Joke of the day page

[Bruenor]

I found this picture of Scotland, and I had to caption it. That Scottish hotel there on the left? That's the Inn Before The Loch.

 

[Turn Key]

A VERY BRAVE MAN SAID THIS...

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
'Son, because all household appliances come in white.'

 

[Turn Key]

Jeff Foxworthy in Kabul

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

11. Your cousin is president of the United States.

 

[Turn Key]

Checking In

When I checked into my motel, I said to the lady at the desk:
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

 

[BloodEclipse]

^^^^^^^ That's funny!

 

[Turn Key]

Fred has been around a while but still (very funny)

[FONT=&quot]JUST FRED[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name..

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing[/FONT][FONT=&quot].[/FONT]​

 

[Turn Key]

[FONT=&quot]Military Quote of the Day:


"When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I'm getting out before it becomes mandatory." [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]~ ([/FONT][FONT=&quot]MSGT Harry T. Serres, USAF Ret.[/FONT][FONT=&quot])[/FONT]





[FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]

 

[Turn Key]

And that's when the fight started.

[FONT=&quot] My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And that's when the fight started . . .

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since..' 'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that's when the fight started.[/FONT]

 

[Bubba]

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I'm feeling very sad because it looks like I wont be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here all my troubles would be over. I know you would be willing to dig the plot for me like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later the old man received this letter from his son:

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
I Love You,
Vinnie

 

[Suprtek]

 

[Suprtek]

 

[KDUBCR250]

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye..

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________ ___

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle.. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner..

Love, Brian
__________________________________________________ __

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
__________________________________________________ __

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

 

[Turn Key]

[FONT=&quot]A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in Gainesville, Florida------

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes When a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

'I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep Women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general... And all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blond yells, 'You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little sh*t on your lap!'[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

 

[SavageEagle]

The Colts lost the Superbowl. The End.

 

[Turn Key]

The Colts lost the Superbowl. The End.

uraninconpoop

 

[jmiller676]

The Colts lost the Superbowl. The End.

 

[Doug]

Why did the Irish get all the potatoes and the Arabs get all the oil?

The Irish got first choice!

(From "The End of Life as We Know It" starring John Cleese.)


Doug

 

[Turn Key]

The Stuttering Cat

[FONT=&quot]Stuttering Cat - as explained by a grade 4 student....

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we new it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher. 'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say the ‘F’ word, the dog ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.
[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]

 

[SavageEagle]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees a ham bush...."

 

[Turn Key]

[FONT=&quot]CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL





A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate

funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge

heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service

as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy,

the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed,

sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..



At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all

eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my

own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'



The proctologist fainted.[/FONT]