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  • Raye7r

    Marksman
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Jun 17, 2009
    207
    18
    Parke County
    While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'.

    As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'

    Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'

    Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!

    On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust.
    'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'

    Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be
    away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'

    His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there'.
     

    hotfarmboy1

    Grandmaster
    Rating - 100%
    6   0   0
    Nov 7, 2008
    7,919
    36
    Madison County
    here's a couple for ya..


    The Rectum Stretcher

    She was flying down the road yesterday, doing 10 mph over the speed limit. She passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side waiting. The cop pulled her over, walked up tot he car & with that classic smirk we all know and love, asked, What's your hurry? To which she replied, I'm late for work. The cop said, what do you do?
    I'm a rectum stretcher, she said. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" Well, she said, I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in & then I slowly but surely stretch, until its about 6 feed wide.
    And just what do the heck do you do with a 6 food ***hole? He asked. U give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.....
    Traffic ticket $95.00
    Court Cost $45.00
    Telling a cop he's an ***hole
    PRICELESS!!!



    Its tough being OLD! An 85 yr old man was requested by his Dr for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The dr. gave the man a jar & said, Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.
    The next day the 85 yr old man reappeared at the dr's off ice & gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doc asked what happened & the man explained. Well its like this...First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, than an armpit and she even tried squeezin it between her knees, but still nothing.

    The doc was shocked! You asked your neighbor?!

    Yup the old man said, we couldn't get the ****ing jar open!
     

    SavageEagle

    Grandmaster
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Apr 27, 2008
    19,568
    38
    The Shortest Books Ever Written

    OUR CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW WE HELPED AFTER KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

    THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

    Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY by Bill Clinton

    MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden

    THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates

    THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman

    THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry

    THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore

    AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

    A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. Jack Kevorkian

    ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

    GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson

    THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

    MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson

    HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES by Ted Kennedy

    MAKING AMERICA BETTER By Nancy Pelosi

    And finally,

    HOW TO RUN A COUNTRY, AND KEEP YOUR APPROVAL RATING UP by Barack Obama
     

    HandK

    Grandmaster
    Emeritus
    Rating - 100%
    11   0   0
    Mar 14, 2009
    51,606
    38
    Way Up North!!
    Elk Sex

    Two guys are drinking in a bar.
    One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
    "Aw crap...," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"
     

    semperfi211

    Master
    Rating - 100%
    1   0   0
    Nov 17, 2008
    3,409
    113
    Near Lowell
    A $50 Lesson I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parentsliberal Democrats were standing there so I asked her 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? She replied 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people. Her parents beamed with pride. 'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn pull weeds and sweep my yard and I'll pay you $50. Then I'lltake you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out andyou can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. She thought that over for a few seconds then she looked me straightin the eye and asked Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do thework and you can just pay him the $50? I said 'Welcome to the Republican Party.' Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
     

    Turn Key

    Master
    Rating - 100%
    9   0   0
    Feb 1, 2009
    1,744
    38
    Indianapolis
    Leroy and L'Quiesha go to the Primitive Baptist Church revival and listen to the preacher.
    After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar...
    Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
    Leroy replies: "Preacher, I needs you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. He prays a blue streak for Leroy.
    After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,
    "Leroy how is your hearing now?"

    Leroy says, "I don't know, it ain't till next Friday."


     

    SavageEagle

    Grandmaster
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Apr 27, 2008
    19,568
    38
    STIMLUS PLAN
    Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus
    payment. This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it using the
    Q and A format
    :

    Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
    A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

    Q. Where will the government get this money?
    A. From taxpayers.

    Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
    A. Only a smidgen.

    Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
    A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

    Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
    A. Shut up.
    Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending
    your stimulus check wisely
    :

    • If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
    • If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
    • If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
    • If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .
    • If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
    • If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
    • If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to
    management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
    Instead, keep the money in America by:


    1 spending it at yard sales, or
    2 going to ball games, or
    3 spending it on prostitutes, or
    4 beer or
    5 tattoos.

    (These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)
    Conclusion
    :

    Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.

    I feel much better now.
     

    Big John

    Sharpshooter
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Sep 20, 2009
    606
    18

    Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.

    That's not a joke it's the truth.

    Yea, but...


    Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.

    ...had me cracking up! :D

    That sounds like a great day!!!:rockwoot: Could I go to the range afterwards and shoot my Korean ammo out of my American gun.:ar15:
     
    Last edited:

    Turn Key

    Master
    Rating - 100%
    9   0   0
    Feb 1, 2009
    1,744
    38
    Indianapolis
    A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.
    "My name is Carmen," she told him.
    "That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"
    "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."
    "What's your name?" she asked.
    He replied, "B.J. Boobsengolf."

    :D
     

    SavageEagle

    Grandmaster
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    Apr 27, 2008
    19,568
    38
    Old but good.... :D

    ________________
    The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season

    This isn't for any religious reason.

    They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

    A search for a Virgin continues.

    There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable..
    ________________________________________

    Guy goes out golfing for fun and decides not to keep track of his score since he's not that good. He makes it a couple holes and forgets which hole he's on. He yells to the lady in front of him what hole she's on and she tells him the 5th. Ok, I'm on the 4th. Thanks!

    A while goes by and this happens again. 15 she yells back. Thanks!

    They make it back to the club house and he asks her if he can buy her a drink. OK she says. They start talking and he asks what she does for a living. She says she's in sales. "Really? Me too. What kind?" She gets a bit fidgety and tells him he'll laugh but he promises not to. So she tells him she sales tampons.

    He starts rolling on the floor laughing. She says, "I told you you'd laugh!" He say's, "No, I sale toilet paper so I'm still one hole behind you!"

    :D
     

    Turn Key

    Master
    Rating - 100%
    9   0   0
    Feb 1, 2009
    1,744
    38
    Indianapolis
    "Walking Eagle"

    President Barack Obama was invited to address a major gathering
    of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

    HE spoke for almost an hour on HIS future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, since he has now become the President.


    HE referred to his career as a Senator, how he had signed 'YES' for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although President Obama was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and brothers'.

    At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - "Walking Eagle".



    The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

    A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name they had given to the President. They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of crap it can no longer fly.
     

    Dogman

    Master
    Rating - 0%
    0   0   0
    May 5, 2008
    4,100
    38
    Hamilton County
    Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

    As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
     
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