INGO: Joke of the day page

[Plague421]

[FONT=georgia,times new roman,times,serif]A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $5000 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have five of my finest ladies and a four-course meal."

The trucker replies:
"Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."[/FONT]

 

[BloodEclipse]

My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ...You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

Honestly--------My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

 

[Turn Key]

Ya' gotta Rep on that "Joke of the Day" bro!

Hope you're looking better soon...


TK

 

[Turn Key]

BOB & THE BLONDE


Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.


The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."


Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

 

[Turn Key]

A Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing..

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you crap' on its head.'

AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

 

[Turn Key]

That was funny!! It wasn't as funny the second time I read it. Slow load equals doub;e post.

Thanks bro! I fixed my above double post...

Trying to make things "Family Friendly" of course

TK

 

[SavageEagle]

A United States Marine was taking some college courses between assignments. He had completed 20 missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.


One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, GOD if you are real then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 min..'


The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting.'


It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.


The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What in the world is the matter with you? 'Why did you do that?'


The Marine calmly replied, 'GOD was too busy today protecting America's
soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me.'



The classroom erupted in cheers!

 

[semperfi211]

convention agenda

The 2008 dem convention agenda just found

7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning.

7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to U.N.

7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

7:30 till 8:00 P.M. Nonreligious prayer and worship. Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.

8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:05 P.M. Ceremonial tree hugging.

8:15- 8:30 P.M. Gay Wedding-- Barney Frank Presiding.

8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally. Cindy Sheehan-- Susan Sarandon.

9:00 P.M. Keynote speech. The proper etiquette for surrender-- French President Jacques Chirac

9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund

9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay . Sean Penn

9:40 P.M. Why I hate the Military, A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton

9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award, presented by Michael Moore

9:55 P.M., Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

10:00 P.M. How George bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World Trade Center Towers-- Howard Dean

10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahmadinejad

11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents Internet

11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War criminals-- John Kerry

11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Mrs. Rodham Clinton

12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home

 

[Scout]

Black Testicles


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
.
.
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.
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.
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

 

[Turn Key]

The Mother of All Jokes in Bad Taste

Amimah and Bilqis, two Middle Eastern moms, are chatting over cups of cinnamon tea.

Amimah pulls a photo book out of her purse and starts flipping through it.

Opening to one photo, she says, “This is my oldest son, Abdul-Barr.He would be 24 years old now.”
“Yes, Amimah, I remember him as a baby,” says Bilqis cheerfully. “He was a big boy!”
“He’s had to be a martyr, though,” his mum confides.

“Oh, yes. So sad, dear,” says the other.

Amimah then opens to another picture.

“And here is my Khalil the day he graduated from the Madrasah Islamiyyah.”she says. “He would be 21 next week…”
“Oh, I remember him,” says Bilqis happily. “That curly head of hair! So handsome!”

“And a martyr too,” sighs his mum quietly.
“Oh, gracious me!” says Bisqis.

Turning to a new photo, Amimah whispers, “And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful little Hassan.”
“Hassan!” says Bilqis enthusiastically, “I remember when he started school. He was a funny little boy. So witty! So smart!”

“Yes,” replies his mom with tears in her eyes, “but he was a martyr, too. All my boys…”

After a pause Bilqis utters a deep sigh.

“Ay, Amimah,” she says wistfully, “They blow up so fast…”


TK

 

[fullauto 45]

COUNSELING - SOUTHERN STYLE

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over...............women like that are hard to find.."

 

[SavageEagle]

I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) Event at the Ford Center next weekend in Beaumont,Texas, if anybody wants them.


Robbie is going to try to jump over 1,000 Obama supporters with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.

Should be a good time.

 

[hotfarmboy1]

I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) Event at the Ford Center next weekend in Beaumont,Texas, if anybody wants them.


Robbie is going to try to jump over 1,000 Obama supporters with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.

Should be a good time.

Sounds like a good show to me. I'm up for it!

 

[BloodEclipse]

I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) Event at the Ford Center next weekend in Beaumont,Texas, if anybody wants them.


Robbie is going to try to jump over 1,000 Obama supporters with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.

Should be a good time.

I'll follow him in this:

You know just in case he misses any.

 

[lawrra]

I'll follow him in this:

You know just in case he misses any.

Then follow with this just in case plan B fails...

 

[SavageEagle]

And I'll be the clean up crew when you all leave....

 

[Turn Key]

Sex in the shower

In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm, people from Detroit and Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!





In the survey, 86% of Detroit’s and 82% of Chicago’s inner city residents (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.






The other 14% (almost all of whom are registered Republicans) said they had never been to prison.




TK

 

[sartwell]

New Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.



Hellloooo,.............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!



Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

 

[Scout]

Royal Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

An Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the 3 badge Royal Marine with 15 years service behind him, who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the Royal Marine responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

 

[Roadie]

[FONT=&quot]An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance, just never wanted to.'[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]A crowd had gathered quickly, and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, in order to not get a toe blown off, or his boots perforated, was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet, and everybody was laughing fit to be tied.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ***?'[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The boy bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]There are two lessons for us all here...[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]1. Don't waste all your ammunition.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]2. Don't mess with old people.[/FONT]