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INGO: Joke of the day page
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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a cab . . .
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a cab . . .
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg-leg, a hook and an eye patch. "How'd you end up with a peg-leg?" asks the sailor. "I was swept overboard in a storm," says the pirate.
"A shark bit off me whole leg."
"A shark bit off me whole leg."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"
"We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut me
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "And the eye patch?" "A seagull dropping fell in me eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?"
the sailor asked incredulously.
Said the pirate.
"It was the first day with the hook."
"It was the first day with the hook."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather head is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...
OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Business class yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather head is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...
OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Business class yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Joan went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," she said, "I've got big troubles. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Am I going crazy?"
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Joan. six months later the doctor met Joan on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? No way! Instead, I went on one of those 'Dude Ranch' vacations, and an old cowboy cured me for the price of a bottle of whiskey."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Joan. six months later the doctor met Joan on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? No way! Instead, I went on one of those 'Dude Ranch' vacations, and an old cowboy cured me for the price of a bottle of whiskey."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!
buzzard pickins
Sharpshooter
Being an extream tite-wad Fred decides while his wife is gone he will put a new coat of paint on the toilet seat. The good woman comes home sooner than expected and gets stuck to the wet paint. She panics and demands to be driven to the doctor ,seat still attached. She puts on Fred's large overcoat and off they go.When they arrive Fred lifts up the coat to show him their predicament. Fred says,"Doc have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well yes," he replyed "but never framed."
Oh my god!
High school sweethearts that have recently graduated are getting married. The groom’s brother, who has been away in the marines for the past four years, has returned on leave to be his little brother’s best man.
After the ceremony, the groom takes his brother aside and expresses a lack of knowledge as to exactly what he is supposed to do when he and the bride retire to their hotel room. After several attempts to explain, the marine tells his little brother not to worry.
“I’ll slip into the hotel room and hide behind the shower curtain in the bathroom, if you need advice, tell her that you have to use the toilet and then I can whisper advice to you through the shower curtain.”
Relieved, the groom agrees and proceeds to the hotel with his bride. True to his word, his older brother gets there ahead of him and hides in the bathtub.
The couple gets into bed, but the bride is reluctant, having been in her wedding dress and surrounded by friends and family all day, she hasn’t had a chance to use the bathroom and the need is getting urgent.
Misunderstanding her reluctance, the groom excuses himself and steps into the bathroom where he begins a whispered conversation with his brother.
The bride meanwhile, nearly frantic for a way to relieve herself, seizes the only available means; the box that her shoes came in. Squatting, she defecates into the box and then hastily slides it under the bed.
Bolstered with advice from his brother, the groom comes walking out of the bathroom, headed for the bed only to discover that in her haste, the bride had slid the shoe box too far and it had come out the other side of the bed where the groom accidentally stepped in it in the darkness.
“Oh my god! This box is full of sh*t!” The groom exclaimed.
“Turn her over!” Yelled a voice from the bathroom.
High school sweethearts that have recently graduated are getting married. The groom’s brother, who has been away in the marines for the past four years, has returned on leave to be his little brother’s best man.
After the ceremony, the groom takes his brother aside and expresses a lack of knowledge as to exactly what he is supposed to do when he and the bride retire to their hotel room. After several attempts to explain, the marine tells his little brother not to worry.
“I’ll slip into the hotel room and hide behind the shower curtain in the bathroom, if you need advice, tell her that you have to use the toilet and then I can whisper advice to you through the shower curtain.”
Relieved, the groom agrees and proceeds to the hotel with his bride. True to his word, his older brother gets there ahead of him and hides in the bathtub.
The couple gets into bed, but the bride is reluctant, having been in her wedding dress and surrounded by friends and family all day, she hasn’t had a chance to use the bathroom and the need is getting urgent.
Misunderstanding her reluctance, the groom excuses himself and steps into the bathroom where he begins a whispered conversation with his brother.
The bride meanwhile, nearly frantic for a way to relieve herself, seizes the only available means; the box that her shoes came in. Squatting, she defecates into the box and then hastily slides it under the bed.
Bolstered with advice from his brother, the groom comes walking out of the bathroom, headed for the bed only to discover that in her haste, the bride had slid the shoe box too far and it had come out the other side of the bed where the groom accidentally stepped in it in the darkness.
“Oh my god! This box is full of sh*t!” The groom exclaimed.
“Turn her over!” Yelled a voice from the bathroom.
RachelMarie
Master
- Apr 9, 2009
- 2,866
- 38
An old cowboy sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning barns, driving herds, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning barns, driving herds, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
PatMcGroyne
Sharpshooter
This on is older than the "termite in the bar" joke (1955)
WARNING : OVERTLY SEXIST AND XXX RATED.
Three young Chinese girls were amazed that a jinni popped out of the lamp that they were polishing. The jinni told the three virgins that each of them could have one wish. The youngest girl says, "I want a man. He must have a dragon on his arm." The next oldest wished, "I want a man, too. But he must have a dragon on EACH arm!" The third girl -- the oldest -- says, "I want a man, with one draggin' on the ground!" (Well, O.K., may SHE wasn't a virgin.) Pat
WARNING : OVERTLY SEXIST AND XXX RATED.
Three young Chinese girls were amazed that a jinni popped out of the lamp that they were polishing. The jinni told the three virgins that each of them could have one wish. The youngest girl says, "I want a man. He must have a dragon on his arm." The next oldest wished, "I want a man, too. But he must have a dragon on EACH arm!" The third girl -- the oldest -- says, "I want a man, with one draggin' on the ground!" (Well, O.K., may SHE wasn't a virgin.) Pat
PatMcGroyne
Sharpshooter
Two very old Hoosier Farmer jokes (A)
Yes, they are about OLD HOOSIER farmers.
(A) Farmer Yoder had lost his wife of 30 years, over a year ago. He was very lonely, and his 14 children (Yeah! Guess why he was lonely and why SHE died!) advised him to engage and marry a new woman. He agreed, and picked out a 22 yr-old lady. His children all grinned, and advised him to take it easy, as they knew how he liked cozy nights with a wife. He assured them all that there was no reason to fret. "But Father, such antics can be dangerously stressful on the system when one isn't accustomed to such strenuous activity!" "Well", says Brother Yoder, "If she dies, she dies." [Joke (B) is better, and worth waiting for] Pat
Yes, they are about OLD HOOSIER farmers.
(A) Farmer Yoder had lost his wife of 30 years, over a year ago. He was very lonely, and his 14 children (Yeah! Guess why he was lonely and why SHE died!) advised him to engage and marry a new woman. He agreed, and picked out a 22 yr-old lady. His children all grinned, and advised him to take it easy, as they knew how he liked cozy nights with a wife. He assured them all that there was no reason to fret. "But Father, such antics can be dangerously stressful on the system when one isn't accustomed to such strenuous activity!" "Well", says Brother Yoder, "If she dies, she dies." [Joke (B) is better, and worth waiting for] Pat
PatMcGroyne
Sharpshooter
Just in the park on a lark.
A citizen cell-phoned the cops complaining of a man in the park, near some of the statues. "But, Ma'am, there's no crime in that." "Well, you just need to come down here and watch him! He can't be up to any good." So the department sent a patrol to the park to watch the man. He did nothing unusual but just watched the statues. All after-noon the observers watched, and were just getting ready to go back to the precinct, when the man hurriedly walked to his car, opened the trunk, and took out a gym-bag. The patrolmen slid into the bushes and again began to watch the man. When it was dark, the man took an electric drill from the bag and began drilling holes in the statues -- but only in the female statues. He then proceeded to mount each statue, and copulate it in a very human way. At that point he was arrested, for "statuary rape."
A citizen cell-phoned the cops complaining of a man in the park, near some of the statues. "But, Ma'am, there's no crime in that." "Well, you just need to come down here and watch him! He can't be up to any good." So the department sent a patrol to the park to watch the man. He did nothing unusual but just watched the statues. All after-noon the observers watched, and were just getting ready to go back to the precinct, when the man hurriedly walked to his car, opened the trunk, and took out a gym-bag. The patrolmen slid into the bushes and again began to watch the man. When it was dark, the man took an electric drill from the bag and began drilling holes in the statues -- but only in the female statues. He then proceeded to mount each statue, and copulate it in a very human way. At that point he was arrested, for "statuary rape."
PatMcGroyne
Sharpshooter
At a cocktail party
A pretty woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. Feeling an urge, she approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "My, that's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things that turn me on the hardest -- 'cars' and 'men'. What's your name?" she asked.
He replied, "B.J. Boobsengolf."
A pretty woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. Feeling an urge, she approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "My, that's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things that turn me on the hardest -- 'cars' and 'men'. What's your name?" she asked.
He replied, "B.J. Boobsengolf."
PatMcGroyne
Sharpshooter
Let's star a part of the thread where just a punch-line is posted and we make up our own joke to fit?
buzzard pickins
Sharpshooter
Horse walks into a bar. BARTENDER ASKS: hey, why the long face. GIRAFFE walks into a bar. BARTENDER YELLS: sorry we don,t serve long necks here.
2ADMNLOVER
Grandmaster
I can't remember the joke but the punchline is this
a duck for a ***k , a ***k for a duck , and $2 for a ***ked up duck .
a duck for a ***k , a ***k for a duck , and $2 for a ***ked up duck .
sig-sweet
Marksman
Barrack Obama went to England to visit the queen
He commented to her how well everything ran in her office
The Queen said, I surround myself with smart people
I give them all a test before I hire them.
She then looked at her assistant and said get me Tony Blair
Blair walked in and asked how he may be of service
The Queen ask him: you parents had a child, it was either a boy or a girl
Who is it?...Why that would be me your Highness said Blair
The Queen looked at Barrack, smiled and said thank you Tony, that’ll be all.
Barrack went back home and while sitting in the Oval Office thought to himself
I ought to surround myself with smart people too.
So he called in Joe Biden in and asked him the same question
Joe if your parents had a child and it was a boy or a girl, who is it?
Joe said: if you’ll allow I’ll ask my advisers and get right back with you.
Off he went and conferred with his team and they asked for time to research it.
During the wait Joe went to the bathroom and Colin Powell walked in.
Biden asked Powell the very same question and Colon looked at him and said the answer is me. Joe looked at him and said oooh, yeah RIGHT !!
Biden walked straight to Barrack’s office and said : sir, I have the answer to your question. If my parents were to have a child, a boy or a girl, it would be Colin Powell !!!!
Barrack looked at him in complete disgust, and said no you idiot, it’s TONY BLAIR
He commented to her how well everything ran in her office
The Queen said, I surround myself with smart people
I give them all a test before I hire them.
She then looked at her assistant and said get me Tony Blair
Blair walked in and asked how he may be of service
The Queen ask him: you parents had a child, it was either a boy or a girl
Who is it?...Why that would be me your Highness said Blair
The Queen looked at Barrack, smiled and said thank you Tony, that’ll be all.
Barrack went back home and while sitting in the Oval Office thought to himself
I ought to surround myself with smart people too.
So he called in Joe Biden in and asked him the same question
Joe if your parents had a child and it was a boy or a girl, who is it?
Joe said: if you’ll allow I’ll ask my advisers and get right back with you.
Off he went and conferred with his team and they asked for time to research it.
During the wait Joe went to the bathroom and Colin Powell walked in.
Biden asked Powell the very same question and Colon looked at him and said the answer is me. Joe looked at him and said oooh, yeah RIGHT !!
Biden walked straight to Barrack’s office and said : sir, I have the answer to your question. If my parents were to have a child, a boy or a girl, it would be Colin Powell !!!!
Barrack looked at him in complete disgust, and said no you idiot, it’s TONY BLAIR
SavageEagle
Grandmaster
- Apr 27, 2008
- 19,568
- 38
One day Johnny walked into the classroom, and the teacher said, 'Johnny, do you have your report done?' He replied, 'no ma'am.' She said, 'if you don't have it done by tomorrow then I'm going to make a call to your parents.'
As Johnny is walking home from school he looks to his left and sees two greyhounds racing,and one gets so far ahead of the other one that it just stops and the other one rams its head right up its ***.
Johnny takes out a piece of paper and writes it all down, saying to himself, 'This is going to be my report.'
The next day at school the teacher says, 'Johnny, do you have your report done?' He says, 'sure do.' So he goes up to the front of the class and starts telling them what he saw. 'Yesterday I was walking home from school when I saw these two greyhounds racing, and one rammed its head right up the other's ***.' The teacher says, 'Johnny, we don't use the word '***' in the classroom, it's rectum.' Johnny said, 'Rectum? Hell, it damn near killed 'em.'
As Johnny is walking home from school he looks to his left and sees two greyhounds racing,and one gets so far ahead of the other one that it just stops and the other one rams its head right up its ***.
Johnny takes out a piece of paper and writes it all down, saying to himself, 'This is going to be my report.'
The next day at school the teacher says, 'Johnny, do you have your report done?' He says, 'sure do.' So he goes up to the front of the class and starts telling them what he saw. 'Yesterday I was walking home from school when I saw these two greyhounds racing, and one rammed its head right up the other's ***.' The teacher says, 'Johnny, we don't use the word '***' in the classroom, it's rectum.' Johnny said, 'Rectum? Hell, it damn near killed 'em.'
Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.95 a minute.
What do u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.95 a minute.
What do u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come.
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