You're all wrong. We were created paradoxically by Jeff Goldblum on the set of Jurassic Park. He was eating Costa Rican food and got a bad case of bubblegut. He poopfarted so hard in the can that it ripped a hole in spacetime, triggering the big bang while also sending some of the exotic gut flora through the wormhole.
All life in the universe is a direct descendant of Jeff Goldblum's poo bacteria.
All life in the universe is a direct descendant of Jeff Goldblum's poo bacteria.