Today's You Can't Make This Sh*t Up News

[Nazgul]

I refuse to use a plural pronoun to refer to a single person.

I was subbing at the high school last spring and actually had this conversation with my old English teacher. Turns out she's not near as liberal as I thought she was in high school!

As a sub I had one student, a female emo/goth looking, refuse to answer to her name on the list. One young lady finally came to my desk and told me she goes by something completely gender neutral. Ok, didn't mark her/him/whatever absent but was tempted...

Don

 

[Mongo59]

I had a guy come in to the ER with a quart mason jar up his butt. He said once you get the threads started it was easy...

Another guy lost his vibrator and it swam upstream to make any salmon proud. He waited two days before coming to the ER, when the Doc "fished" it out he dropped it into one of those old kick around rolling trash cans and the thing was still going. Made a heck of a racket...

 

[Mongo59]

Oh, had a gun shot victim to the abdomen come into the ER. The Doc ordered x-rays and it showed that the Pt had a softball crammed up his but. The Doc went to talk to the family about having to go to surgery and all and he asked, "did you know he had a softball in his rectum?" To this the dad said, "Yes, and I told him if he ever did that again I was gonna shoot him, and I did!"

 

[Sigblitz]

Joe Biden âGet Vaccinated For Hurricaneâ

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[d.kaufman]

Joe Biden âGet Vaccinated For Hurricaneâ

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[DoggyDaddy]

View attachment 295964

The climate crisis is a queer issue too, activists say

Queer climate justice activists warn that the climate crisis may particularly impact the LGBTQ+ community.

www.thepinknews.com

From the article:
“These injustices manifest in factors such as lack of access to safe and affordable housing, healthcare and employment"

I'm thinking that that has less to do with climate change, and more to do with "Stop being an activist! Get off the megaphone and find gainful employment!"

 

[DoggyDaddy]

Joe Biden âGet Vaccinated For Hurricaneâ

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youtube.com

My doctor has never offered me a hurricane vaccination. I'll have to ask him about it at my next physical. Do they protect you just while you're just visiting down south, or are they good for here in the midwest too?

 

[JCSR]

Woman 'snuck gun into MLB game in Chicago through folds in her BELLY FAT'​

White Sox shooting: Woman 'snuck gun into MLB game in her BELLY FAT'

According to ESPN Chicago host Peggy Kusinski, the female in question accidentally fired the gun after sneaking it past security by hiding it in the folds of her belly fat.

www.dailymail.co.uk

 

[DoggyDaddy]

Woman 'snuck gun into MLB game in Chicago through folds in her BELLY FAT'​

White Sox shooting: Woman 'snuck gun into MLB game in her BELLY FAT'

According to ESPN Chicago host Peggy Kusinski, the female in question accidentally fired the gun after sneaking it past security by hiding it in the folds of her belly fat.

www.dailymail.co.uk

I've been searching for the gif with the guy pulling an AK47 out from under his belly fat to no avail.

 

[Ark]

Woman 'snuck gun into MLB game in Chicago through folds in her BELLY FAT'​

White Sox shooting: Woman 'snuck gun into MLB game in her BELLY FAT'

According to ESPN Chicago host Peggy Kusinski, the female in question accidentally fired the gun after sneaking it past security by hiding it in the folds of her belly fat.

www.dailymail.co.uk

Huh. So it was an ND all along.

 

[JCSR]

 

[DeadeyeChrista'sdad]

I've been searching for the gif with the guy pulling an AK47 out from under his belly fat to no avail.

 

[actaeon277]

I would say, start arming the robots.
But then I remember the hundreds of movies I've seen where that didn't turn out well.
And books I've read.

And while I don't trust Hollywood..
I still don't think we want to go there.

 

[jsx1043]

I would say, start arming the robots.
But then I remember the hundreds of movies I've seen where that didn't turn out well.
And books I've read.

And while I don't trust Hollywood..
I still don't think we want to go there.

 

[Wabatuckian]

Woman 'snuck gun into MLB game in Chicago through folds in her BELLY FAT'​

White Sox shooting: Woman 'snuck gun into MLB game in her BELLY FAT'

According to ESPN Chicago host Peggy Kusinski, the female in question accidentally fired the gun after sneaking it past security by hiding it in the folds of her belly fat.

www.dailymail.co.uk

Wait...

So Vanilla Ice is still a thing?

 

[Mongo59]

My doctor has never offered me a hurricane vaccination. I'll have to ask him about it at my next physical. Do they protect you just while you're just visiting down south, or are they good for here in the midwest too?

Do they use dead hurricanes to make those vaccines or live ones? Asking for a friend...

 

[JCSR]

I think she eats more days than not.........

 

[Timjoebillybob]

I had a guy come in to the ER with a quart mason jar up his butt. He said once you get the threads started it was easy...

Another guy lost his vibrator and it swam upstream to make any salmon proud. He waited two days before coming to the ER, when the Doc "fished" it out he dropped it into one of those old kick around rolling trash cans and the thing was still going. Made a heck of a racket...

I know a nurse that used to work in the ER, they've told me some interesting ones. A guy with a pop bottle lodged in his behind, said he didn't see it on the couch before he sat down.

Another guy with a vacuum cleaner tube stuck on his member, said "he slipped" while vacuuming. Nurse asked if he always vacuumed in the nude, said the guy turned red and didn't say another word when she was in the room.

Guy comes in with a glass swizzle stick stuck in his member, asks the Dr how he's going to take it out. Dr picks up a pair of hemostats and says same way it went in. Guy freaked out and had to be restained while it was being removed.

Guy comes in with the bowl of a pipe stuck on the end of his member. And it had been there for several days. He had picked up a working girl and took her to a hotel. Roofied him stole his wallet, jewelry, and stuck his pipe on his junk. When he woke up he couldn't get it off. Was to embarrassed so didn't come in until he couldn't take the pain.

I would say, start arming the robots.
But then I remember the hundreds of movies I've seen where that didn't turn out well.
And books I've read.

And while I don't trust Hollywood..
I still don't think we want to go there.

I think she eats more days than not.........

View attachment 296109

She said "sometimes" not "some days", gotta sleep you know.

 

[JCSR]

ACLU sues Indiana for refusing to spend taxpayer cash on sex change

The far-left ACLU is suing on behalf of a convicted, tatted-up child killer hoping to force Indiana to use taxpayer money for the inmate's gender-affirming surgery.

www.dailymail.co.uk

 

[dprimm]

ACLU sues Indiana for refusing to spend taxpayer cash on sex change

The far-left ACLU is suing on behalf of a convicted, tatted-up child killer hoping to force Indiana to use taxpayer money for the inmate's gender-affirming surgery.

www.dailymail.co.uk

i bave rabbit testicles I will donate. Other part too. The boys they are on won’t need them soon.