Military BS Stories or the last liar wins.

[KellyinAvon]

Looking back this thread is almost 5 years old. This is post #1261, and I would say this thread is stories of what happened during our military days... not as the subject reads, "Military BS Stories, or last liar wins."

GI's tend to not claim things they didn't see, do, or at least hear about.

With that said, I think we need to up our BS game. I'll start!

There I was, stuck on an open forklift when a thunderstorm rolled in! No, that really happened... a number of times.

The only thing more dangerous than a Lieutenant saying "based on my experience" is a Captain saying, "I've been thinking..." Truer words have never been spoken.

This might be harder than I thought...

 

[Nazgul]

Well, the only 'at sea transfer' I was a part of, was a 'small boat transfer'.
I just had to leap.
Then turn around and catch my sea bag that was thrown at me. And pray I caught it, before it went overboard.

Watched one UNREP when they were high lining the mail over. This was before email, texting, etc so mail was our only contact with home. The mail bags were very recognizable. It started across and we hit a series of waves that sent it bouncing all over the place, almost went upside down. It was not uncommon to loose a load while high lining. Everyone watching held their breathe and they stopped pulling on it until it settled down. There was a rousing cheer when it was aboard the ship.

Don

 

[Alamo]

During the beginning of the Ukraine war, I heard some people say, maybe they'd lighten up a bit on Pogs, after seeing the Russian idea of the supply system.

In war, you don't have to do everything right.
You don't have to be good.

You just need to screw up less than your opponent.

True story no BS:

When Saddam rolled into Kuwait the US reoriented real fast. All US airlift was tasked to support Desert Shield immediately. a buddy of mine and his wife were on leave Space-A hopping in Spain got stuck at one of the 2 US bases there, because there was no more Space-A even tho initially a lot of the C-141s were empty and simply being repositioned. They also got kicked out if the Q to make way for transient aircrew and spent a couple days on the living room floor of the base chaplain until they got a train ticket back to Germany.

Anyway, this basically meant that NATO lost 95% of its airlift. The Germans had some Transalls, and the Brits and Belgians had some C-130s, and a couple other nations had various transports, but the whole lot probably didn’t add up to an Air Force wing and the Belgians refused to help NATO when NATO was putting together a defense package to protect Turkey against Saddam, because the Belgies didn’t want to PO some of their arab interests. A package of AWACS, Alphajets, Dutch Patriot missiles, and various other bits and pieces was put together and sent to provide defense of NATO ally Turkey. But cargo and personnel transpo was scarce.

Enter Aeroflot. Yes, the Soviets Russkies.

NATO contracted with Aeroflot at one point to move things from mainland Europe down to Turkey. Russia had a lot of cash flow problems, and they were basically willing to do anything to make a buck, even help NATO meet up on the Arabs if needed.

i’m not sure how much stuff actually went by Aeroflot, but I do know of one particular cargo that turned into an interesting fiasco.

The normal NATO AWACS forward operating base in Turkey was at Konya, which had a Turkish airbase. The FOB was a separate section ofthebase with permanent housing and maintenance facilities just for NATO.In order to support a second orbit and mitigate risk from weather, attack, and so forth, they decided to open a second forward operating base at Antalya.

There wasn’t much at Antalya already in place to support an airplane like an AWACS, and its very large crews, so the six crews plus supporting ground people ended up in a hotel in downtown Antalya. It gave them a place to sleep, but it wasn’t very convenient to the base and presented a target for hostile terror/special forces units.

So NATO turned all its planning powers to trying to find some quick answer to on base housing. The German government came through with an offer to provide portable housing that they had inherited from the East German military during reunification just a year prior. Apparently they had a bunch of aluminum trailers that were intended to be portable military housing.

So Aeroflot was contracted to fly all these things from east Germany down to Antalya for our guys to live in. They did fly at some down there, but then their airplane broke hard. Whatever the part they needed, being Soviet, was only available from somewhere back in the former Soviet Union and it was going to take at least six weeks to track it down and transport it to Turkey. (!)

In the meantime, our guys got a good look at what the East Germans had bestowed upon us and declared it … suboptimal. it apparently was just a bunch of aluminum shells that water condensed inside of rapidly, no heating, and the wiring in them was some odd East Bloc standard that nobody had any knowledge of. US Marines probably would’ve moved in and been righteously miserable, but this was the combined air force of NATO, and I think they basically said “**** this“ and the local commander refused to use them.

They never did get the on base housing problem sorted out and the crews stayed in the hotel in Antalya for the duration of Desert Storm/Desert Shield, of which the NATO counterpart was Anchor Guard.

AND… it just so happened that at the time the NATO folks came rolling in the door at that hotel, the hotel was hosting performances of a traveling “exotic dance“ group from… Russia! Russia was still getting the hang of the evil capitalist system, but their tour manager recognized an opportunity when he or she saw one, and canceled the rest of their travel tour so the dance group could remain at the hotel and boost the spirits of troops, and it did so for the duration of the Middle East festivities. The existence of this group in Antalya was closely guardedoperational secret for a while, but eventually it leaked out and wives at the home NATO airbase were not too pleased about it. There were allegedly a few pictures, smuggled backto home base which may or may not have been seen by certain Ingo member in but suffice to say that yup, they were exotic dancers.

 

[actaeon277]

Well, the only 'at sea transfer' I was a part of, was a 'small boat transfer'.
I just had to leap.
Then turn around and catch my sea bag that was thrown at me. And pray I caught it, before it went overboard.

I forgot, cause I wasn't 'part of the transfer'.

Our XO got helicoptered to the sub at sea.
It was not like the movies.
He was dunked.
Then smashed into the sail.
Then a bunch of sailors jumped on him to try to hold him down to unhook.

 

[Nazgul]

One more UNREP story. I was always talking to my shipmates about what they were doing, it was interesting to me and we had plenty of time. Became sort of friends with a boatswains mate who fired the line thrower gun over to the cargo ship to rig the cables for the fuel lines, etc. They used a single shot 45/70 that fired a rod attached to the line with a plastic head on it.

SOP was a signal sounded before the line was fired. At the signal all the sailors ducked and hid behind something to prevent getting hit. The aforementioned boatswains mate would always laugh as he fired . They would then scramble to catch the line and pull a heavy cable over then eventually the fuel hoses. It was challenging because of the wind and relative motions of both ships. No, he wouldn't let me shoot it!!

One clear day the signal was given and they scattered to safety, except the XO of the tanker who was watching from a wing of the bridge. The fired line went over a cable to one of the derricks and swung down behind the XO and perfectly knocked his gold braided cover off his head into the ocean. Turned to laugh with the shooter and he was gone....left in hurry....

We were easily entertained.

Don

 

[Nazgul]

 

[KellyinAvon]

A while back I was in Walgreens in Plainfield. There was an end-cap display with Kiwi shoe polish. There was polish and edge-dressing and brushes and kits of all different kinds.

I stood there for a bit then thought to myself, "I haven't thought about shoe polish since May 2007."

 

[actaeon277]

A while back I was in Walgreens in Plainfield. There was an end-cap display with Kiwi shoe polish. There was polish and edge-dressing and brushes and kits of all different kinds.

I stood there for a bit then thought to myself, "I haven't thought about shoe polish since May 2007."

I haven't thought of it since nuke school in 86.
Subs don't wear class 'A's very often. In fact, after nuke school, I don't think I wore them a half dozen times.

 

[actaeon277]

Sometime in December I saw a vet at a restaurant.
Thanked him for his service, as I usually do.

So. Told him I was navy, and he said that he used to ride navy river boats, they'd drop him off and pick him up.
I told him I was a submariner.
So he told me I was F'n crazy.
I told him, anybody that gets off a boat to go get shot at is crazy.
Kinda funny.
2 guys looking at each other, thinking the OTHER guy is f'n crazy.

 

[Nazgul]

Was issued the Marine khaki uniform after basic. I have one picture wearing it just before they did away with it.

On Sea Duty we wore dress blues a lot. Lots of prep time and inspections to look right.

Had an honor guard for something just before I went on leave once so headed to the airport right after. Wore my dress blues. Getting on the plane the pilot was at the door and commented on it. They moved me to first class and gave me free drinks.....bad move....

It was only a 2 hour flight but I was well toasted when my mom picked me up at the gate.

Don

 

[KellyinAvon]

I haven't thought of it since nuke school in 86.
Subs don't wear class 'A's very often. In fact, after nuke school, I don't think I wore them a half dozen times.

I haven't polished shoes since Basic (got Corfams at Tech School as soon as I found clothing sales.) Boots on the other hand... I still have a pair of Corcoran Marauders (that I wear at work occasionally in the winter) that haven't seen polish since May 2007. Still look pretty good!

 

[Cavman]

I haven't polished shoes since Basic (got Corfams at Tech School as soon as I found clothing sales.) Boots on the other hand... I still have a pair of Corcoran Marauders (that I wear at work occasionally in the winter) that haven't seen polish since May 2007. Still look pretty good!

Best secret to shining boots.. leaving them outside the door for odishe to shine them for 5 bucks a week. Man he could make them shine. Was best part about Korea

 

[actaeon277]

I haven't polished shoes since Basic (got Corfams at Tech School as soon as I found clothing sales.) Boots on the other hand... I still have a pair of Corcoran Marauders (that I wear at work occasionally in the winter) that haven't seen polish since May 2007. Still look pretty good!

For the life of me, I can't remember what I wore in schools, or on the sub while in port.
Well, nuke school was Mon-Thur working whites, and Fri dress whites, so I know I wore dress shoes in nuke school.
But electronics schools, and nuke prototype, were dungarees, so maybe it was 'boondockers'. A working ankle high boot. They just have to be 'presentable'.

But I definitely still remember what we wore at sea. Sneakers.
I also remember buying a relatively expensive (for the time) pair, and they lasted 5 DAYS. And then the chemicals in the air ate up the glues and they disintegrated. Fortunately I had my everyday sneakers that I had wore to board the sub.
After that, I'd buy $5 sneakers. And they'd last the entire underway.

One underway, we had a contest on who had the gaudiest sneakers.
It was a toss up between the 1st class PO in my division, and I.
His were gaudier on the outside.
But mine were gaudy outside AND inside.


The reason we were authorized... nah, required.. sneakers, was because of 'patrol quiet'.
Can't let the Russkies or Arabs to hear us.
Sound is EVERYTHING on a sub.
So, the sneakers are supposed to be quieter. Though I think it was more of a 'psychological mindset'.
Just like having signs on the hatches and other stuff warning us "Ivan is listening".

 

[actaeon277]

 

[Cavman]

View attachment 324195

Biggest requirement for tanker is, are you to lazy to jump off the tank and walk into the tree line or nearest porta john to take a dump?

 

[Alamo]

I never liked Corfams. Too plastic-y looking. wrong kind of shine or something. I always polished my low-quarters (and boots). Once I had them up to snuff it wasn’t hard to give them a quick shine every day unless I walked thru a puddle. USAF had shiny boots up until I retired, except for deployments to the sandboxes. I really didn’t like the polyester class A’s either, but there was a strong bias towards being seen in that uniform, so I had to suck that one up.

While I was a vollie firefighter/EMT we wore black station boots. I discovered 5.11 ATAC boots. Very light, side zipper, 8” tall ankle support, combo of leather lower and web uppers. Easy to pull on when the pager went off, minimal polishing, easy to wear.

In fact I liked them so much that when I retired, I bought the coyote colored desert version, which has the added advantage of the rough-out leather … so no polishing. Everything that was an advantage while I was being a fire fighter medic turns out to be an advantage while being retired with stiff joints and limited mobility. Easy to pull on, easy to secure with a zipper, lightweight, comfortable, and the added benefit I don’t have to polish them. Win. The only real disadvantage is that you can’t resole them, the sole is molded right into the uppers, but they last long enough.

oh, and they have a neat little pocket on the ankle that holds a small pocket knife or LDK.

 

[Alamo]

Speaking of uniforms, this jumped out in my memory, for some reason.

When I was still active duty, officers did not get a separate allowance for uniforms like the enlisted troops. We got a one time $300 payment when we first came on active duty. That $300 payment was set in 1950-something, and in 1982 that didn’t come anywhere close to covering what you needed for uniforms. I’ll bet it’s the same amount today. Of course we got paid more than enlisted troops but still when you are a brand new second lieutenant, there’s suddenly a lot of stuff coming out of that shiny new paycheck to get you started.

Also, you didn’t get that $300 or any other money until you were actually on active duty. At least for AFROTC graduates, not sure what the zoomies got. And yet your first day of active duty, you had to show up in a correctly assembled uniform. During the period between commissioning and entry to active duty, I actually had less status than I cadet even though I was a commissioned officer. I couldn’t fly space anymore, I couldn’t buy stuff on base, and I was almost a non-entity, except that I had a scheduled date to show up at Tinker Air Force Base. The period between when I was commissioned and when I entered, active duty was about five months, so I had to shelter and feed myself during that time.

As an AFROTC cadet, we did have the option to buy the uniform that we were issued as a cadet. It was identical to an officers uniform, except that it didn’t have the braid on the sleeves and we put different insignia on it. We also had the option of that detachment could cut some orders allowing us to go to clothing sales at the closest AFB and buy uniform items, of course this came out of our own pocket. That $300 wasn’t available to us until we actually were put on active duty. I did both: bought my cadet uniform and then I went to Grissom AFB with some of my ROTC buddies and stocked up as best I could at their clothing sales shop. We basically bought the blue part of the uniform, and planned to buy the green utilities/fatigues and mess dress once we got on active duty. I think I had one set of green utilities left over from airborne school.

So, when my active duty orders came through, and I arrived at Tinker Air Force Base, there was a big flurry of personal activity for a week, trying to find a place to live, buying uniform parts, setting up bank accounts, inprocessing briefings going figuring out where the hell my desk was, all that good stuff.

Although we could get our name tags and patches sewed on our green utilities on base at the parachute shop for free we quickly learned that was a bad idea. The patches were put on with terrible zigzags, ditching, crooked, quickly look like hell. So we went off base and found all the Vietnamese laundries and seamstress operations where we could get them sewn on correctly for a buck a patch. (An e oh, my arly lesson on guvmint vs. private enterprise). All those shops had copies of AFR 35-10 posted on the wall, so they knew exactly where everything was supposed to be and they did a very fine job of it. (At that time, Oklahoma City had the largest concentration of Vietnamese in the United States. A lot of the local churches had sponsored boat people, and pretty much all the laundries, tailor shops, and Chinese food restaurants in town were run by Vietnamese immigrants.)

Of course, the buck a patch is coming out of our shiny new paycheck. If I recall correctly, we got some kind of payment during inprocessing to tide us over until our regular paycheck started, if it started. DFAS always was a crapshoot. We all opted for automatic deposit, which was a new thing in those days, and Tinker credit union screwed up my buddies first payment by incorrectly putting it in his savings account instead of his checking account, leading him to write hot checks all over town his first week on duty. Even though they knew he had the money in a savings account, they wouldn’t credit that against his checking account, and instead returned all the checks to the vendors. That really made his day.

So the next year, when the next crop of new shiny cycle antennas came in, we had an exercise during the week when someone showed up. This was a full recall of the entire AWACS wing and everybody was supposed to come running in wearing green utility uniforms.

This presented one of the new lieutenants with a dilemma. Having just arrived he barely had a blue uniform put together, never mind full set of fatigues with rank and patches. So, show up in a correctly accoutered blue uniform, which will stand out like a sore thumb among all the warrior gear, or show up in fatigues minus the proper regalia? He chose door number two and showed up as a “pickle” (which is what we called the brand new airmen at Lackland were so new they didn’t have their patches sewed on yet - they had shaved heads and were solid green, so looked like a pickle.)

His buddies grabbed him and shoved him in the back of an office and told me not to come out where anyone in authority could see him. When his supervisor made it in, he sent him home and told him don’t worry about the exercise while he was inprocessing.

 

[KellyinAvon]

Speaking of uniforms, this jumped out in my memory, for some reason.

When I was still active duty, officers did not get a separate allowance for uniforms like the enlisted troops. We got a one time $300 payment when we first came on active duty. That $300 payment was set in 1950-something, and in 1982 that didn’t come anywhere close to covering what you needed for uniforms. I’ll bet it’s the same amount today. Of course we got paid more than enlisted troops but still when you are a brand new second lieutenant, there’s suddenly a lot of stuff coming out of that shiny new paycheck to get you started.

Also, you didn’t get that $300 or any other money until you were actually on active duty. At least for AFROTC graduates, not sure what the zoomies got. And yet your first day of active duty, you had to show up in a correctly assembled uniform. During the period between commissioning and entry to active duty, I actually had less status than I cadet even though I was a commissioned officer. I couldn’t fly space anymore, I couldn’t buy stuff on base, and I was almost a non-entity, except that I had a scheduled date to show up at Tinker Air Force Base. The period between when I was commissioned and when I entered, active duty was about five months, so I had to shelter and feed myself during that time.

As an AFROTC cadet, we did have the option to buy the uniform that we were issued as a cadet. It was identical to an officers uniform, except that it didn’t have the braid on the sleeves and we put different insignia on it. We also had the option of that detachment could cut some orders allowing us to go to clothing sales at the closest AFB and buy uniform items, of course this came out of our own pocket. That $300 wasn’t available to us until we actually were put on active duty. I did both: bought my cadet uniform and then I went to Grissom AFB with some of my ROTC buddies and stocked up as best I could at their clothing sales shop. We basically bought the blue part of the uniform, and planned to buy the green utilities/fatigues and mess dress once we got on active duty. I think I had one set of green utilities left over from airborne school.

So, when my active duty orders came through, and I arrived at Tinker Air Force Base, there was a big flurry of personal activity for a week, trying to find a place to live, buying uniform parts, setting up bank accounts, inprocessing briefings going figuring out where the hell my desk was, all that good stuff.

Although we could get our name tags and patches sewed on our green utilities on base at the parachute shop for free we quickly learned that was a bad idea. The patches were put on with terrible zigzags, ditching, crooked, quickly look like hell. So we went off base and found all the Vietnamese laundries and seamstress operations where we could get them sewn on correctly for a buck a patch. (An e oh, my arly lesson on guvmint vs. private enterprise). All those shops had copies of AFR 35-10 posted on the wall, so they knew exactly where everything was supposed to be and they did a very fine job of it. (At that time, Oklahoma City had the largest concentration of Vietnamese in the United States. A lot of the local churches had sponsored boat people, and pretty much all the laundries, tailor shops, and Chinese food restaurants in town were run by Vietnamese immigrants.)

Of course, the buck a patch is coming out of our shiny new paycheck. If I recall correctly, we got some kind of payment during inprocessing to tide us over until our regular paycheck started, if it started. DFAS always was a crapshoot. We all opted for automatic deposit, which was a new thing in those days, and Tinker credit union screwed up my buddies first payment by incorrectly putting it in his savings account instead of his checking account, leading him to write hot checks all over town his first week on duty. Even though they knew he had the money in a savings account, they wouldn’t credit that against his checking account, and instead returned all the checks to the vendors. That really made his day.

So the next year, when the next crop of new shiny cycle antennas came in, we had an exercise during the week when someone showed up. This was a full recall of the entire AWACS wing and everybody was supposed to come running in wearing green utility uniforms.

This presented one of the new lieutenants with a dilemma. Having just arrived he barely had a blue uniform put together, never mind full set of fatigues with rank and patches. So, show up in a correctly accoutered blue uniform, which will stand out like a sore thumb among all the warrior gear, or show up in fatigues minus the proper regalia? He chose door number two and showed up as a “pickle” (which is what we called the brand new airmen at Lackland were so new they didn’t have their patches sewed on yet - they had shaved heads and were solid green, so looked like a pickle.)

His buddies grabbed him and shoved him in the back of an office and told me not to come out where anyone in authority could see him. When his supervisor made it in, he sent him home and told him don’t worry about the exercise while he was inprocessing.

been a long time since I had to point out a base pay table to an officer

You made a comeback with the "canned pickle" reference.

 

[Brad69]

Ok Sir here is your desk that’s my desk over there do not touch my $#)(.
You run the PLT in the field in garrison I run the show.

It‘s your PLT if you f$*&) up the CO, BN CO, 1SG, CSM will look at me and say why did you fail. They know I can do your job its my responsibility to teach you what I know.

Some will tell you that I work for you that is correct but in reality I work for the 1SG.
In the next few days you are going to sign for over $2 million worth of equipment. I will show you how to do it and sign it down to the Squad Leaders. Do not loose anything you will pay for it.

1. We don’t argue in front of the PLT.
2. They don’t know you they trust me.
3. You can never be late for anything I will take the heat for it.
4. You are not buddies with the guys.
5. If you don’t know something ask me before the CO.

 

[2A_Tom]

I had a CO that got got screwed over royally because he thought he was in charge.

He wouldn't let me do my job, fired me, failed a major inspection, begged me to bail him out, which I did.

As far as I know he didn't make major, but if he did, not any farther.