INGO: Joke of the day page

[Bill of Rights]

Huh?

H202, or hydrogen peroxide, is fatal if ingested.

This has been a public service announcement from your friendly neighborhood Bill of Rights.

 

[Jerchap2]

H[SUB]2[/SUB]O[SUB]2[/SUB], or hydrogen peroxide, is fatal if ingested.

This has been a public service announcement from your friendly neighborhood Bill of Rights.

FIFY.

 

[stephen87]

Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

I saw that one posted on Facebook last night. I can neither confirm nor deny whether it was a fellow INGOer who posted it.

 

[stephen87]

H202, or hydrogen peroxide, is fatal if ingested.

This has been a public service announcement from your friendly neighborhood Bill of Rights.

Thanks, Denny.

 

[jamil]

 

[Jerchap2]

 

[chef larry]

Wife said this is funny.

 

[Bigtanker]

Mine goes 0 to 300 in about 2 seconds!

 

[Jerchap2]

Mine goes 0 to 300 in about 2 seconds!

Then I guess that you are a big tanker.

 

[Jerchap2]

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Because it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and ended up spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough to where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

[Jerchap2]

A young boy was walking along the docks one day admiring the ships, when a man walked up behind him and said, “Thinking of becoming a sailor?” “Yes, I am!” replied the boy.

“Well,” the man said, “I have sailed many years and have had many adventures.” The boy looked the man up and down, and saw that he had an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook. “I would love to hear of your adventures,” said the boy.

“Well,” the man said, “I was sailing around the Cape of Good Hope when I encountered pirates. They boarded my boat and I fought them 'til there was only one left. But before he got away he cut off my leg!” “That sounds terrible!” exclaimed the boy. “Aye lad, it was, but I got over it and continued sailing the seas.”

“How did you get the hook?” inquired the boy. “I was once again sailing around the Cape of Good Hope on my way home when I encountered the same pirate with a whole new crew. They boarded me again and I fought down to the last man, only this time as he got away, he cut of my hand!” “That is awful!” the boy once again exclaimed. “Aye lad, but again I got over it and continued sailing the seas.”

“Tell me how you got the eye patch! Was it the pirates again?” “No lad, this time I was just out fishing one day, I heard the cry of a gull, and when I looked up it sh*t in me eye!” “Pardon me sir, but I didn’t know you could lose an eye from gull sh*t.” “Well lad, 'twas the first day with the hook!!!”

 

[Jerchap2]

Redneck Engineering exam


1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO?

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic on secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

 

[hoosierdoc]

H202, or hydrogen peroxide, is fatal if ingested.

This has been a public service announcement from your friendly neighborhood Bill of Rights.

but it makes a dog puke

 

[Jerchap2]

My wife and I were married for 50 years.

One day, I took a careful look at her and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 19-year-old girl every night.

“Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 19-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black-and-white TV.

 

[daddyusmaximus]

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
DONALD TRUMP: We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from crossing the road. The chickens will pay for the wall. We will have a door for legal chickens.
JOHN KERRY: We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed the road or not.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: We need to waterboard that chicken to find out why it crossed the road.
RAND PAUL: It's none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.
NANCY PELOSI: We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.
CARLY FIORINA: Hilary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.
BRIAN WILLIAMS: I crossed the road with the chicken.
BEN CARSON: This isn't brain surgery... It wanted grain.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference does it make why the chicken crossed the road? But, I’ll send an E-Mail to verify and will let you know once you do a FOIA Request as long as that E-Mail still exists.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
BERNIE SANDERS: That little chicken will pay 80% income taxes no matter what side of the road it's on. He's got to help finance free college even for those that just want a four year vacation.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

 

[jamil]

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
DONALD TRUMP: We will build a big wall to keep illegal chickens from crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens.
JOHN KERRY: We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed the road or not.
CHRIS CHRISTIE: We need to waterboard that chicken to find out why it crossed the road.
RAND PAUL: It's none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.
NANCY PELOSI: We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.
CARLY FIORINA: Hilary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.
BRIAN WILLIAMS: I crossed the road with the chicken.
BEN CARSON: This isn't brain surgery... It wanted grain.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference does it make why the chicken crossed the road? But, I’ll send an E-Mail to verify and will let you know once you do a FOIA Request as long as that E-Mail still exists.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
BERNIE SANDERS: That little chicken will pay 80% income taxes no matter what side of the road it's on. He's got to help finance free college even for those that just want a four year vacation.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

Funny. Irreverent. Pokes fun at everyone.

 

[ArcadiaGP]

Two 9/11 conspiracy theorists are in a plane when it crashes
An instant later they find themselves in the afterlife, being judged by Almighty God Himself.
One falls to his knees, "I implore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! Before you judge me, I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!"
God sighs. "Muslim extremists. Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden did it."
His friend leans down and whispers, "Damn, dude. This thing goes way higher up than we ever realized."

 

[spencer rifle]

"Deplore?"

 

[Doug]

"Deplore?"

Sounds like a Freudian slit to me.

 

[Jerchap2]

A little 4-year-old boy is in the bathroom. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

"Matty, are you all right?" she says. "You've been in here for a while..."

Matty says, "I'm fine, Mommy... I just haven't gone 'doody' yet."

The little boy is sitting on the toilet impatiently. Every ten seconds or so he grips the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

"Matty, why are you hitting yourself on the head?" his mother asks, concerned.

Matty responds, "Works for ketchup."