INGO: Joke of the day page

[spencer rifle]

So, having proved his ability twice over, despite monumental, artificially imposed handicaps, continuing to jump through others' hoops constitutes a "no-brainer"?

Is that what you're saying?

 

[Jerchap2]

 

[Jerchap2]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors & the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking....
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex & have money & like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

 

[Jerchap2]

 

[Jerchap2]

The Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says, "There's plenty more of those where I come from."
Everyone is impressed.
The Cuban takes out one of the finest Havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says, "There's plenty more of those where I come from."
Again, everyone is rather impressed.
So the American stands up and throws the Muslim off the train.

 

[IndyGal65]

Why do lesbians shop at Gander Mountain?

Because they don't like Dick's.

Tee hee.

(Sorry guys, couldn't resist.)

 

[Jerchap2]

Why do lesbians shop at Gander Mountain?

Because they don't like Dick's.

Tee hee.

Then they probably really love Kohl's:

 

[IndyGal65]

Then they probably really love Kohl's:

Ouch!!

 

[Jerchap2]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say...”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

 

[Jerchap2]

Since 1982 the English department at San Jose State Universityhas sponsored the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels. Here are one year's winners:


10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it."


9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."


8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."


7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: 'Andre creep ... Andre creep ... Andre creep.'"


6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex change surgeon to become the woman he loved."


5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a living at a local pet store."


4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then, penguins often do."


3) "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."


2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear,' a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."


AND THE WINNER IS ...


1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, creptalong the green sward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!'"

 

[sharkey]

Since 1982 the English department at San Jose State Universityhas sponsored the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels. Here are one year's winners:


10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it."


9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."


8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."


7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: 'Andre creep ... Andre creep ... Andre creep.'"


6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex change surgeon to become the woman he loved."


5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eking out a living at a local pet store."


4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then, penguins often do."


3) "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."


2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear,' a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."


AND THE WINNER IS ...


1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, creptalong the green sward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!'"

The night was moist.

 

[Jerchap2]

The night was moist.

Well, you could go a lot of different directions with that beginning, all the way from G to XXX.

 

[halfmileharry]

Well, you could go a lot of different directions with that beginning, all the way from G to XXX.

You might get thrown off the train for that acknowledgement...

 

[ArcadiaGP]

Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

 

[G-Niner]

Huh?

 

[Roadie]

Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

 

[HoughMade]

Two blondes go looking for a used car. They find a car they like, but wanted to make sure everything worked.

The first blonde stoop in front of the car as the other tried various switches:

"Do the headlights work?"

"Yep, they're on.", the blonde outside the car answers.

"Check in the back, do the brake lights work?"

"They sure do." She answered.

"How about the turn signals?"

"Yes they do...no they don't...yes they do...no they don't......."

 

[Ericpwp]

Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

Or he didn't want to admit he was out of hydrogen peroxide

 

[Doug]

I saw a man in a Plastic Surgeon's office picking his nose.

 

[sharkey]

Or he didn't want to admit he was out of hydrogen peroxide