INGO: Joke of the day page

[kjf40]

Marrying an Irish girl...

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
...
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees......

 

[Smokle]

A woman walks into a shop that sells "expensive" Persian Rugs..

Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it..

As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly..

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is the showroom Manager "Good day Ma'am, how can I help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap in your pants when you hear what its cost is."


Dear Employees:
As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these in...creases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.
But, since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.
So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change......I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

sorry if either has been posted before, just seen em and thought they were funny

 

[Smokle]

Don’t Shave Your {Censored}!


I have recently made one of the biggest mistakes in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble {Censored}.

No, I was not constipated. This was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my {Censored}-hair had grown to such a length that tiny balls of {Censored}were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my {Censored}-cheeks. It led to much frustration, with me knowing that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt hair dwelling place. Eventually I would have to do one of two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its ‘Can’t-Be-Flushed’ threshold.

As I was contemplating this problem, I had what seemed at the time to be a brilliant idea. “Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don’t I just eliminate all the hair all together, and then my crap will flow out like beer from a keg!” I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements, things like “How many Indians could there be?” said by General Custer. “Looks like a good day for a drive!” by JFK, or “There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!” by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my {Censored}of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My {Censored}was smooth as ivory. I smiled; satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know?

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two {Censored}-cheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic {Censored}- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky {Censored}/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. And I mean it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my {Censored} off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4-block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering {Censored}/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own {Censored}blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: “It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks.”

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my {Censored}at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair, ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my {Censored}-cheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum-sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn’t enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing back in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a Brillo pad. Well, that’s what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn’t just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

All I can say is friends don’t shave your {Censored} hair!

another I thought was funny again sorry if may have been posted before

 

[CPT Nervous]

Don’t Shave Your {Censored}!


I have recently made one of the biggest mistakes in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble {Censored}.

No, I was not constipated. This was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my {Censored}-hair had grown to such a length that tiny balls of {Censored}were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my {Censored}-cheeks. It led to much frustration, with me knowing that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt hair dwelling place. Eventually I would have to do one of two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its ‘Can’t-Be-Flushed’ threshold.

As I was contemplating this problem, I had what seemed at the time to be a brilliant idea. “Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don’t I just eliminate all the hair all together, and then my crap will flow out like beer from a keg!” I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements, things like “How many Indians could there be?” said by General Custer. “Looks like a good day for a drive!” by JFK, or “There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!” by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my {Censored}of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My {Censored}was smooth as ivory. I smiled; satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know?

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two {Censored}-cheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic {Censored}- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky {Censored}/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. And I mean it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my {Censored} off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4-block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering {Censored}/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own {Censored}blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: “It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks.”

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my {Censored}at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair, ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my {Censored}-cheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum-sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn’t enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing back in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a Brillo pad. Well, that’s what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn’t just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

All I can say is friends don’t shave your {Censored} hair!

another I thought was funny again sorry if may have been posted before

Missed one!

 

[EvilBlackGun]

Does anyone now the tale ...

.... of the British brick-mason repairing the chimney, with a barrel and a pulley??? You'll blow several gaskets!! I know it well enough to laugh myself silly over it, but not to tell it. I think it may have been a Victor Borge joke.

 

[kalrez]

... walked into a bar...


So, a Communist, a Muslim, and an Illegal Alien walk into a bar.

And the bartender says...









"What can I get you, Mr. President?"

 

[halfmileharry]

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says, "No." Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?" He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

 

[Redtbird]

Gun Buy Backs...

Participating in a gun buy back because you believe that the criminals have too many guns is like having yourself castrated because you believe that the neighbors have too many kids.

 

[SkullDaddy.45]

A penguin is driving this car, he hears a funny noise coming from under his hood, he finds a auto mechanic and leaves his car for a couple hours, he walks across the street and finds a nice little ice cream shop, he sits and eats his ice cream, of course with no lips he has it all over his face, he walks back over to the mechanics shop, he asks if he found what's wrong with his car, mechanic says "looks like you blew a seal" penguin says " No it's just ice cream"

 

[10Forward]

Q. Where do Irish families go on vacation?
A. Different bar.

(For the record, I'm quite proud of my Mom's side of the family - from County Galway).

 

[10Forward]

Sean works at the Guinness Brewery. One day, in the middle of the afternoon, Sean's wife Mary answers a knock at the door. There stands Sean's boss, the Guinness president, and a priest.

Sean's boss says, "I'm sorry to have to bring such terrible news Mary, but there has been an accident down at the brewery - Sean fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."

Mary is of course shocked and says, "Please tell me Sean didn't suffer at least - that it was quick!"

Sean's boss says, I'm sorry Mary, but it took quite a while for him to pass away. He had to get out three times to pee."

 

[gunman41mag]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. "You'll really love my place.
"The grass is almost a foot high.


Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heartwarming lawyer story...

 

[wizard_of_ahs]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

That's him on Aisle 5 - he never knew what hit him!!

 

[Redtbird]

Ammo!

Saturday morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way home, I stopped at the gas station and this gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in the barter system. Would you be interested in a trading sex for ammo?"

I thought it over for a few seconds and responded.....

"Well, that depends…what kind of ammo do you have?”

 

[wizard_of_ahs]

First time sex .......

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was MY pharmacist.

 

[jkfletcher]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs
and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally
slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

My eyes lit up as I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is
going to be my lucky day!" I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her t-shirt
still around her neck.

Happy, but a bit puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She
explained, "The egg timer is broken."

 

[wizard_of_ahs]

Ammo is Scarce .....

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.
On the way home I stopped at the gas station where a
Drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my PICKUP and
said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy.
Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought a few seconds and asked, "What kinda ammo ya got?"

 

[IN50]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the opossum it could be done.

 

[JB357Mag]

There once was a man named Bill.

Who swallowed an atomic pill.

His navel corroded, his ass exploded,

and they found his nuts in Brazil!

Jimmy

 

[CPT Nervous]

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.
On the way home I stopped at the gas station where a
Drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my PICKUP and
said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy.
Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought a few seconds and asked, "What kinda ammo ya got?"

Saturday morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way home, I stopped at the gas station and this gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in the barter system. Would you be interested in a trading sex for ammo?"

I thought it over for a few seconds and responded.....

"Well, that depends…what kind of ammo do you have?”

Really Wizard? It was on the same page!!!! Come on!!!!