INGO: Joke of the day page

[Hoosier Cowboy]

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. So he decides to try it out at dinner.
DAD: Son, where were you today during school?
SON: At school *robot slaps son*
SON: Ok, I went to the movies.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story *robot slaps son again*
SON: Ok, it was A Day with a Porn Star.
DAD: WHAT?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was. *Robot slaps dad*
MOM: HAHA!! After all he is your son, *Robot slaps mom*

 

[halfmileharry]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'


The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

[Hoosier Cowboy]

A mother passing by her daughters bedroom was astonished 2 see the bed was nicely made & everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom". With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope with trembling hands: "Dear Mum, it is with great regret & sorrow that im writing 2 u, i had 2 elope with my new boyfriend because i wanted 2 avoid a scene with u & Dad. Ive been finding real passion with him & he is so nice, even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard & motorcycle clothes. But its not just the passion Mum, im pregnant & he said that we will b very happy. He already owns a trailor in the woods & has a stack of firewood 4 the whole winter. He wants 2 have many more children with me & that is now one of my dreams 2. He taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone & we'll b growing it 4 us & trading it with his friends 4 all the cocaine & ecstasy we want. In the meantime we'll pray that science finds a cure 4 AIDS so he can get better, he sure deserves it! Don't worry Mum, im 15yrs old now & i know how 2 take care of myself. Someday im sure we'll b back 2 visit so u can get 2 know yr grandchildren. Yr daughter, Sophie... P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbors house. I just wanted 2 remind u that there r worse things in life than my report card thats in my desk top drawer. I love u! Call me when it is safe 2 come home.."

 

[halfmileharry]

sent to me from a Texas school teacher...

In the news this week, a Southern California man was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation
when it was found he owned 100 guns and had (by rough estimate) 1 million rounds of ammunition
stored in his home. The house also has a secret escape tunnel.

The television reporter said: "Wow! He has about a million machine gun bullets!"
and the headline referred to it as a "massive weapons cache".

By California standards someone owning even 100,000 rounds would be called "mentally unstable".

If he lived elsewhere, such as Arizona , he'd be called "an avid gun collector."

In Oklahoma , he'd be called "a novice gun collector".

In Utah , he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd probably reserve judgment
until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Montana , he'd be called "the neighborhood 'Go-To' guy".

In Idaho , he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate".

In Wyoming , he'd be called "an eligible bachelor".

and... In Texas , he'd be called "a Hunting Buddy"............

 

[other dave]

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about two miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to Beckley West Virginia to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got five flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the trooper's vehicle. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take my a** to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test."

 

[other dave]

A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip. An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, "I've just been molested!"

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. He tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting these old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he's had enough and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles. "Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.

"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it, it gets up and runs away!"

 

[halfmileharry]

An officer came to my door today and asked where I was between 4 and 5. I thought about it and replied. "Kindergarden"

 

[joslar15]

I had a dentist appointment the other day and while I was waiting, I started talking with the guy next to me and found out he was from Iran; came here after the whole Khomeni thing in the late 70s, so I brought up the movie Argo. We had a nice chat and somehow, he mentioned that he had the Koran on DVD. You should have seen the look he gave me when I asked if he'd burn a copy for me!

 

[mk2ja]

I had a dentist appointment the other day and while I was waiting, I started talking with the guy next to me and found out he was from Iran; came here after the whole Khomeni thing in the late 70s, so I brought up the movie Argo. We had a nice chat and somehow, he mentioned that he had the Koran on DVD. You should have seen the look he gave me when I asked if he'd burn a copy for me!

 

[DarkRose]

True story, told to me at lunch today by my father...

Last week he was at a local tire dealership getting some work done, and was in the lobby waiting and overheard a conversation at the counter...

After the customer was given the price, "for tires, mount, balance, and tax", he said "I don't pay any tax, I'm a Veteran". The counter guy asked him what he was talking about, and the guy repeated "I'm a Veteran, I don't have to pay any tax, I never pay tax."

As the guy walked out, my dad noticed a handgun sticking out what what looked to be a large back brace type belt, and a very prominently and proudly displayed Concealed Carry Badge on his belt, all nice and polished up.

Dad got a good chuckle.

I'm not sure which fail is the funniest... Lol.

 

[Hoosier Cowboy]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’

‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !

She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’

‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’

‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.

‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?’

 

[other dave]

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately

 

[jkfletcher]

Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they had a lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So making the supreme sacrifice, he gave up baked beans.
They were married shortly thereafter.

Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home.
After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home he had gas.
His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaiming, "darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table. He seated himself.
Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned.
Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him.
Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow his wife didn't hear him.
While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the end of his freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her that he had not.

At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise -- twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!

 

[other dave]

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National
Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was
in a military induction center.

Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising
new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to
which they were entitled.

The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99%
sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance.

This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00
per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was
already providing at no charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the
back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales
pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If
you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets
youself killed, da governmen' pays you beneficiary $20,000. If you
takes out da supplemental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars
a mons, den da governmen' gots ta pay you beneficiary $200,000!

"Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta
Afghanistan first?

 

[hacksawfg]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys, we must have been waiting for 15 minutes." The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude."

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hey George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

 

[PapaScout]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys, we must have been waiting for 15 minutes." The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude."

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hey George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Haha

 

[jkfletcher]

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

[ZombieApocolypse]

I was in The Villages, Florida....and I saw a bumper sticker
on a parked car that read "I miss Chicago."

So I broke the window, stole the radio and left a note that
read, "I hope this helps."

 

[other dave]

A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD.


He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head toward the young pup and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.' ..

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a
dead mouse in the chili.


The sight was very shocking and he
immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.

The old biker quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.'

 

[kjf48197]

THE HAIRCUT

Blessed are those that can
give without remembering, and take without
forgetting.

One day a florist went
to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and
the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community
service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.


When the barber went to
open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen
roses waiting for
him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in
for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again
replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service
this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning
when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a
dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came
in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again
replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service
this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the
shop.

The next morning, when
the barber went to open up, there
were a dozen Congressmen lined up
waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the
fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the
politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND
DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!