INGO: Joke of the day page

[ThrottleJockey]

A pig walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. He asks the bartender "do you serve pigs here?" Bartender reluctantly says" yep, sure do". Pig then says "do you serve alligators here?" to which the bartender again reluctantly replies "yep, sure do". Pig says"okay, ill have a beer for myself and a pig for my alligator"!

 

[Caleb]

Farmer sits at the bar with his 3 legged pig, says give me and my pig a beer. The bartender says I give you a beer but not your pig. The farmers says this is a special pig, he save my life when the tractor rolled, pulled me from under it and got help. Bartender says wow still no beer for the pig. Farmer says but wait, he also save my family and me from the house burning down, got us out and help put the fire out! the bartender says wow, ok, he can have a beer. But leans end to the farmer and says I have to ask though why does he have only three legs and the farmer says, YOU CAN'T EAT A PIG LIKE THAT ALL AT ONCE!!!!!

My dad likes to tell his version of that joke way too frequently

 

[Roadie]

A union captain walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union captain.

The union captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union captain asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

 

[GREEN607]

I got the most beautiful rifle for my wife today.












Best trade I ever made........

 

[mgoldsch]

you know whos got bright ideas?........ lamps




is it just me or are circles pointless?

 

[Doug]

Did you hear about the guy in the Plastic Surgeon's office picking his nose?

 

[PapaScout]

you know whos got bright ideas?........ lamps




is it just me or are circles pointless?

Funny show

 

[Turn Key]

SEX IN THE SHOWER

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]In a recent survey commissioned by President Obama, his supporters have proven to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.

The survey was carried out for democrats by a leading soap and toiletries firm.

The results revealed that 86% of Obama supporters said that they have had sex in the shower.

The remaining 14% said they haven't been to prison yet.

Sort of brings tears to your eyes...[/FONT]

 

[sharkey]

Kate brought this one home:

How do you wake up Lady Gaga?





Poke her face!

 

[Turn Key]

A Santa story...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then, the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...

Not a lot of people know this.

 

[ftbstrd]

Razorback hogs

Arkansas Razorback hogs!!

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of
The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
"Nice pigs, sir."

The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are
authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State
Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,

"Excellent trade, sir."​

 

[CathyInBlue]

A monkey in a fur coat walks into a Toronto, ON IKEA store.

...

Oh wait, that actually happened. Have You Seen the Monkey in a Fur Coat Caught Wandering Around a Canadian Ikea Store? | Video | TheBlaze.com

 

[halfmileharry]

With the Holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving. As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well this past weekend I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

 

[halfmileharry]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.


One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.


Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.


'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace.


'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'


Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'


The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.


He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.


Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'


'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'


'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'





'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

 

[Turn Key]

 

[Turn Key]

Shooting Grip Essentials

https://www.youtube.com/embed/iDnEkFSMRik?rel=0&vq=medium&autoplay=1

 

[mgoldsch]

what did the mexican firefighter name his twin children





jose- and hose-b

 

[Bigtanker]

Tom Grizwald favorite!

Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says to the other "man is it hot in here!"

The other muffin says "HOLY CRAP! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

 

[GodFearinGunTotin]

Americans with No Abilities Act

[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]I don't know if this is real...that percentage for the BMV seems a tad low. [/FONT]




[FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]The Americans With No Abilities Act

President Barack Obama and the Democrat-led Senate are considering sweeping
legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans.

[/FONT]The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by
advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive
necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,"
said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow
People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation,
employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of
workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal
Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard
to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job
skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons With
No Ability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the
inept include retail sales (72 percent), the airline industry (68 percent), and
home-improvement warehouse stores (65 percent). At the state government
level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring
Persons with No Ability (63 percent).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level
positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility,
thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to
guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The
legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a
significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management
positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that
agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to
make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-able, banning, for example,
discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience
that relate to this job?"

"As a non-able person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have
something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a
lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember
righty tighty, lefty loosey. "This new law should be real good for people like me.
I’ll finally have job security." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of
other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Sen. Dick Durbin: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same
privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American
with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American
citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in
this great nation and a good salary for doing so."

 

[Hoosier Cowboy]

One day a farmer wrote to his son in prison, "Son I won't be able to plant my potatoes this year because I can't dig the holes. I know if you were here, you'd help me." The son sent a reply, "don't even think about diggin them holes pop, cuz that's where I hid the money." The police read the letter, and went to the field and dug all over but never found the money. The next day the son sent another letter, "there pop, plant your seeds. That's the best I can do without being there."