INGO: Joke of the day page

[jeremy]

I feel like I'm not safe visiting any threads. I don't know what Jeremy will be doing in full camo with the soybeans.

At least you have an Idea what Rookie is capable of without soybeans...

 

[Rookie]

 

[Andre46996]

There is a new drug being released by Phizer pending FDA approval..

It is designed specifically for depressed lesbians..

It is call Tridixagain.

 

[dwickstrom]

A socialist,marxist muslim walks into a bar bartender says what would you like Mr President.

 

[sharkey]

A young newlywed couple were honeymooning Panama City Beach, FL. They went out to dinner one evening to one of the touristy, Caribbean themed restaurants.

While waiting for a table, they notice an old man at the bar. He was dressed like a pirate, complete with pegleg, eye-patch and a hook for a hand.

The young couple, being curious, walked over and asked if he truly was a pirate. He replied in the affirmative, but that he was retired now.

The young lady opined that he must have had an exciting life, to have ended up with a pegleg. The pirate replied that he had, that one day they had chased down a private courier for a well-known financier and boarded her with force. Upon entering the captain's cabin, the bosun stuck a marlinspike into the pirate's knee, requiring amputation.

The young man was properly awed by the story, and asked about the pirate's hand. The pirate then wove a tale of being captured by islanders just inside of the Bermuda triangle. They chained the entire crew to a tree by their hands, and took them one-by-one, every evening, off to be the guest of honor at a feast. Finally, when the old pirate was the only one left, he was able to steal a knife from one of the natives and took off his own hand to escape.

The young lady wilted at the thought, and faintly stated that she could not bear to hear about his eye.

The pirate replied, "Arrr, just after I got me hook, the parrot s*!$ in me eye!"

 

[mrortega]

The nerd was complaining to his buddy at the beach that he wasn't getting any looks from any of the hot, beautiful babes in skimpy thongs. His friend handed him a banana and said, "Stuff this into your speedo and I'll be back to check on you." An hour later the friend comes back and the nerd complains that not only hadn't he had any luck with the chicks but they were now pointing at him and laughing. The friend simply said, "Try moving the banana to the front."

 

[mrortega]

Two democrats on an escalator
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mgC2taR9Gk

 

[Mackey]

Bill Clinton, George Bush, Barock Obama and Mother Teresa walk into a bar ...
The bartender says, what the hell? Is this a joke?

 

[wizard_of_ahs]

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

[JetGirl]

Saw a bumper sticker on a car that said, "I MISS CHICAGO".

So...

I busted their window, stole their radio, and left a note saying "Hope this helps!!"

 

[jeremy]

Saw a bumper sticker on a car that said, "I MISS CHICAGO".

So...

I busted their window, stole their radio, and left a note saying "Hope this helps!!"

Should have set it on fire too...

 

[semperfi211]

Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for
some campaign advice, at their spacious home.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he
could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that
Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!

That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just
think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But
I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"

Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how
impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private
bathroom,
Bill had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary
smiled and said to Bill:


"I found out who pee-ed in your saxophone."

 

[DarkRose]

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Mechanical engineers make weapons.

Civil engineers make targets...

 

[steve666]

Saw a bumper sticker on a car that said, "I MISS CHICAGO".

So...

I busted their window, stole their radio, and left a note saying "Hope this helps!!"

Should have waited around and shot them... not only would it remind them of Chicago, but would have eliminated another loser from the shallow end of the gene pool.

 

[GodFearinGunTotin]

On January 9 a group of bikers was riding west on I-74 when they saw a
girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.

The Harley leader, George, a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike,
walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are
you doing? "

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss an
opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't
you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and
did jus t that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed
immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the
onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then says, "Wow!

George says "That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a
real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you
rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"

The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!

 

[goinggreyfast]

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, a townsman was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, he ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

 

[indyjoe]

Mechanical engineers make weapons.

Civil engineers make targets...

Electrical Engineers play match maker.

 

[Bruenor]

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

I say the glass needs to be topped off.

 

[Doug]

An engineer who is an introvert stares at his shoes when he talks to you.

An engineer who is an extrovert stares at your shoes.

 

[sharkey]

A biochemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer were arguing about the nature of God at the bar one night.

The biochemical engineer held forth that the millions of chemical reactions that take place perfectly every second in the human body was evidence that God THE biochemist's Biochemist.

The electrical engineer disagreeing, pointing out that the miles of nerves in the human body, transmitting thousands of electrical impulses flawless day in and day was sure proof that God was an electrical engineer.

The civil engineer chimed in and said, "You're both wrong. Just look at the human crotch. Who else but a civil engineer would route multiple toxic waste lines through a major entertainment district?"