INGO: Joke of the day page

[actaeon277]

I matched a whole ONE number. What did I win?

To get touched by GPIA.

 

[daddyusmaximus]

There were 260 Navy Seals who served in Vietnam from 1962 to 1972.



So far, I've met about 1,200 of them...

 

[easy]

Why is man smarter when he's having sex?


His brain is stuck in a know it all!

 

[OkieGirl]

Did you hear about the blond who broke her arm raking leaves?

Poor thing fell out of the tree...

 

[Ballstater98]

The swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild. Except for the seldom seen penfish, which is said to be even mightier.

 

[Nazgul]

Last time I went before the judge for being drunk he said " You are here for drinking!". I said "Ok, lets get started!!".

Don

 

[actaeon277]

 

[actaeon277]

My friend Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business
He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died. Tom wanted two things:
• To learn how to invest his inheritance.
• To find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. ...
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men......

 

[daddyusmaximus]

Ever notice that before you have sex, you help each other get naked?

However, after sex, you just get yourself dressed.

So the moral of the story is, nobody helps you once you're screwed.

 

[actaeon277]

Lawyers should never ask a Texas grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Texas small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate peo...ple and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.....

 

[Ingomike]

A man walked out into the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got in and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank."

Passenger: “Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab; things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.

He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.

He could fix anything, not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong and his clothing was always immaculate; shoes highly polished, too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman"

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.

 

[actaeon277]

 

[daddyusmaximus]

If there was a pill that would cure procrastination, I would probably take it...




tomorrow.

 

[Ingomike]

A friend calls his wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

But in reality it's because He wants someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

(TOTALLY KIDDING HERE!)

 

[daddyusmaximus]

My daughter...

 

[Crittersdad]

 

[Bapak2ja]

[h=2]The Old Antique[/h]

So, this past weekend, I walked into the living room from the kitchen and asked my daughter for the phone book. She laughed and laughed and called me an antique, then handed me her iPhone and said, "Just use this."

Long story short, the spider's dead, and last I checked she was still in the living room crying.
​

 

[daddyusmaximus]

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.

 

[Ballstater98]

How does the Dalai Lama order pizza?

One with everything

 

[Doug]

And when he pays the delivery driver and asks for change, he is told, "Change comes from within."