Am I THAT bad at math????

[SavageEagle]

Didn't you and your wife live together for some time before getting married recently? Was this the way of things before you got married, or is this new? From my reading of your previous (before this thread) posts on your life, and this is my completely amateur take on things, I'm thinking you and your new wife are a bit too comfy with you staying home, taking care of things there and her working outside the home.

Maybe it's time to shoulder the cost and burden of childcare, and you go back to working outside again. I know that amount of daily separation and shared responsibility for keeping the home going when both are working seems to help keep the keel even in a marriage. Just some thoughts...but if you're feeling this way a lot, you need to change the way things are so it doesn't ruin everything in just a short while.

We lived together 5 years before we got married. The fights and arguements actually calmed down dramaticlly since I gave in and married before I wanted to. I wanted to be financially stable before marriage and kids, it just didn't happen that want.

I would go back to work, but consider I will have to make more than 450/per week for it to do any good whatsoever. I have 4 kids, 2 of which are not yet school age. It's now summer and school is not a factor. 4 kids, all in daycare all week. That equals about $400 per week. Check the daycare places for average pricing. Then there's gas to and from work everyday. To find a job paying at least that much I will be driving probably into or across Indy. I drive a V-6 that gets crappy mileage. About $40-50 per week. That's only breaking even. I'd be working, for all intensive purposes, for free. Not my idea worth my time away from my kids.

I don't have any problem working my butt off. But if I must be away from my kids, it had better be worth my time financially.

I should also point out my resume isn't the most desirable which has got to be why the jobs I do apply for pass over me. Especially with the economy in the crapper and everyone looking for work.

 

[Joe Williams]

You can get state vouchers for day care while you work. Might be worth checking into if being a stay at home Dad isn't working for you and child care expenses are holding you back.

 

[Bill of Rights]

I'd do that, but she'd find it and, well, I'm sure you can imagine the carnage that would then ensue. I do take mental notes about this though. For both our sides. I've found that she does give in a lot to me, or at least, she used to. But that amount isn't anything compared to what I give in for her though. I don't want it to be a competetion though even to compete to make it fair. That in itself just doesn't seem fair. I give in to her a lot because I want her to be happy. I think I've given up on making myself happy. I'm more about making my kids happy, then her happy. I just take happiness in my kids anymore.



That does sound good, and I'll probably try it more often. The problem I see coming from it is that using "I" becomes selfish if used a lot. I guess it may have to be all about how you use it maybe?



Here inlies most of the problem We still live with Grandma. We got forced out our aparment because some potheads started causing stupid trouble for us. After being threatened with death by firearm, ****I**** got kicked out. No, I have no friggin clue how that works. We moved in with her to help her to not lose her house. Now that I'm daddy daycare and can't find work, we can't afford to move back out. This is cause for more tension and stress than is EVER necessary and is a big cause for why I everyday.



I refuse to play the game. I was never good about playing by the rules I guess. Rules are restrictive and I hate restriction. I follow the morals I've been taught all my life. Those just happen to be that which I was taught through Boys Scouts and Church(mostly Boy Scouts). I'm not perfect, no. But I refuse to play any game and will not hesitate to become a loner.

I will agree with one thing. If I ever left my wife, I would not marry again. I don't see it coming to that though.

I think I realized what the hell is really going on here.

See, the other day when I took my SP roadtrip, I told God that I wasn't going to leave her and that I would do my best to keep this family together. My guess is that it's God dragging my through Hell to test me on that statement.

Now I worry if I fail this test, does that make me a horrible person or a horrible Christian, or both?

You concentrating on her happiness only works when she's concentrating on yours.

That journal might help you see the numbers and help her do so, too. If nothing else, make an encrypted file on your computer and don't write down the password to it.

Beyond that, this is getting far deeper than anything people on the BB can help with. You mentioned church... Do you still go? If so, hit up the minister for a time you can come talk in his office. You. One on one. Tell him your concerns, esp. in re: the "testing".

Good wishes, Ryan, and as always,

Blessings,
Bill

 

[target64]

In my experience...Usually the topic of the fight is not the real issue. It is now up to you to fix it.....or at least make a attempt to. Good luck.

 

[jennybird]

Ok, first of all, just let me say that you men aren't exactly a walk in the park to live with either. SURPRISE!!!

And as for the wedding cake comment? It's not the wedding cake that causes women to lose their libido... it's the husbands who think they don't have to be romantic any more just cause they're married. Lemme tell ya, when you quit trying, we quit wanting to "please" you. It's simple as that. Sorry to burst anyone's bubble here, but the belching-the-alphabet-dutch-oven-giving-crude-comment-slinging-boob-grabbing-barbarians so many of you turn into once married are not a turn on.

Sav, think for a minute. Do you still do nice things for her like you used to way back when you were trying to win her over? I don't mean "giving in" to her. I mean doing something nice just because you care about her? No? Don't need to since you're married now? If you do something nice for her, she just might want to do something nice in return. Funny how that works. I believe it's called respect. It takes a bit of effort if you're out of the groove, but go ahead and give it a go.

 

[Fletch]

You gotta keep the pimp hand strong...

Sorry, couldn't resist

Seriously, what it sounds like to me is that you're not getting enough time to yourself/enough time where you get to set the agenda. Thus these few times you do allow yourself become critically important to you, but not to anyone else.

I insist on a couple nights a week to spend doing whatever I want -- whatever relaxes me. We don't have any kids, but my wife is really big on home improvement projects and she would work me to death if I let her. I also insist on one day a week where we don't do anything but relax and hang out. It means stuff doesn't get done as fast as she likes, but it also means I'm in a generally better mood.

When I tried doing everything she wanted as fast as she wanted, I was a grouch all the time. She complained about it, saying I was no fun to be around anymore, etc. I told her she had to make a choice between me being grouchy and me getting all her tasks completed as fast as she wanted. I said she could have either, but not both. That's how we arrived at the above, and now it's a rule: Sundays, I don't do squat if I don't feel like it. Tuesday and Friday nights, I chillax with my friends. The rest of the time, I bust ass and spend time with her.

 

[El Cazador]

I would go back to work, but consider I will have to make more than 450/per week for it to do any good whatsoever. I have 4 kids, 2 of which are not yet school age. It's now summer and school is not a factor. 4 kids, all in daycare all week. That equals about $400 per week. Check the daycare places for average pricing. Then there's gas to and from work everyday. To find a job paying at least that much I will be driving

Well, we don't need to get to specifics, but don't the two of you combine your earnings into one pile (for the most part)? So you need for both of you to net at least $450 a week for childcare, not just you. A marriage is a team effort, including putting money in the pot for living and kids. Her money isn't just hers, and you can't let that idea gain root with either of you.

You need a Dave Ramsey type list about money, and you really ought to follow Bill of Right's advice and go talk to a minister about making marriage strong. I can already read the beginnings of you looking for a reason to bolt, and you need to get past that feeling. Both you and your wife needs to sit down without the Jerry Springer theatrics, and make a war plan. My wife and I stayed strong through the years by making it me and her against the world. It was US against everything and everybody else. Employers, bankers, car dealers. grocery stores, rental property managers, family, everybody. They wanted every dime we made, or tell us how to spend it, and we made plans and decisions to thwart them. So do you two. This has to be a cohesive group effort, not "me, and her, too". One unit.

So sit down with her, alone, and make plans to win. No kids, no Grandma (she has her own ideas about how you spend your money, I'll bet) no distractions, and have a series of war strategy planning. Defensive money strategy, defensive family future planning, and long term goal planning. Then stick to it best you can.

I will gladly admit both of our upbringings with parents from the Depression era, and homesteading mentalities, helped a bunch.

 

[Fletch]

Reps to you for that one!

 

[redneckmedic]

She is the gatekeeper....you have the key....SHE WINS!

 

[jennybird]

She is the gatekeeper....you have the key....SHE WINS!

Huh?

 

[Scutter01]

Welcome to marriage!

Came here to say this. Face it, dude, you are no longer in charge of your own life. We tried to warn you, but did you listen? NOOOOOOO!

 

[Scutter01]

Huh?

To put it another way: Men control the world, but women control the boob supply.

 

[El Cazador]

To put it another way: Men control the world, but women control the boob supply.

That doesn't usually pertain to boobs, I think. I've always heard it as "Women have half the money and all the "kitty". They win".

 

[hornadylnl]

Ok, first of all, just let me say that you men aren't exactly a walk in the park to live with either. SURPRISE!!!

And as for the wedding cake comment? It's not the wedding cake that causes women to lose their libido... it's the husbands who think they don't have to be romantic any more just cause they're married. Lemme tell ya, when you quit trying, we quit wanting to "please" you. It's simple as that. Sorry to burst anyone's bubble here, but the belching-the-alphabet-dutch-oven-giving-crude-comment-slinging-boob-grabbing-barbarians so many of you turn into once married are not a turn on.

Sav, think for a minute. Do you still do nice things for her like you used to way back when you were trying to win her over? I don't mean "giving in" to her. I mean doing something nice just because you care about her? No? Don't need to since you're married now? If you do something nice for her, she just might want to do something nice in return. Funny how that works. I believe it's called respect. It takes a bit of effort if you're out of the groove, but go ahead and give it a go.

What came first, the chicken or the egg? I'm a firm believer that if a woman keeps a man well fed and happy in the bedroom, every time she says jump, he will say how high.

 

[ATF Consumer]

What came first, the chicken or the egg? I'm a firm believer that if a woman keeps a man well fed and happy in the bedroom, every time she says jump, he will say how high.

I'll agree with that...my wife knows how to treat me when she wants stuff done around the house...it's a two way street.
I just wish she wanted more stuff done

 

[U.S. Patriot]

Yeah I better not touch this one!

 

[SavageEagle]

Ok, first of all, just let me say that you men aren't exactly a walk in the park to live with either. SURPRISE!!!

And as for the wedding cake comment? It's not the wedding cake that causes women to lose their libido... it's the husbands who think they don't have to be romantic any more just cause they're married. Lemme tell ya, when you quit trying, we quit wanting to "please" you. It's simple as that. Sorry to burst anyone's bubble here, but the belching-the-alphabet-dutch-oven-giving-crude-comment-slinging-boob-grabbing-barbarians so many of you turn into once married are not a turn on.

Sav, think for a minute. Do you still do nice things for her like you used to way back when you were trying to win her over? I don't mean "giving in" to her. I mean doing something nice just because you care about her? No? Don't need to since you're married now? If you do something nice for her, she just might want to do something nice in return. Funny how that works. I believe it's called respect. It takes a bit of effort if you're out of the groove, but go ahead and give it a go.

Well, first let me say that I know I'm not the perfect man and I know i'm a pain to live with. I get that. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure what she sees in me.

Second, there never really was a romantic relationship now that I think about it. As a matter of fact, date night comes once every 3-4 months or so. Not that I don't want to be romantic and take her out, but 4 kids and no money kinda killed that for us. I can't ever find time to be romantic let alone away from the kids to do so. I give this girl more respect than I should sometimes, but so does she I guess. I give what I get most times. I won't go into specifics.

Well, we don't need to get to specifics, but don't the two of you combine your earnings into one pile (for the most part)? So you need for both of you to net at least $450 a week for childcare, not just you. A marriage is a team effort, including putting money in the pot for living and kids. Her money isn't just hers, and you can't let that idea gain root with either of you.

It's not like that really. It's the idea of the money situation as a whole she makes this much, I make this much, it's ours. But think for a second. If I make $450/week and she makes $600/week(not really, but for arguements sake), and we have the kids in daycare, the point is that we didn't make any more than we did before I started working. So that's my point on that.

So sit down with her, alone, and make plans to win. No kids, no Grandma (she has her own ideas about how you spend your money, I'll bet) no distractions, and have a series of war strategy planning. Defensive money strategy, defensive family future planning, and long term goal planning. Then stick to it best you can.

I will gladly admit both of our upbringings with parents from the Depression era, and homesteading mentalities, helped a bunch.

planning and strategy is more fly by night things here because we owe this and that and bills come up due that we cant pay for on her salary alone. This is part of the root of our problems.

Came here to say this. Face it, dude, you are no longer in charge of your own life. We tried to warn you, but did you listen? NOOOOOOO!

Yes. I know. But locked down for life is better than child support right now.

To put it another way: Men control the world, but women control the boob supply.

Yep. Pretty much. That pretty much says it all.

 

[El Cazador]

Well, first let me say that I know I'm not the perfect man and I know i'm a pain to live with. I get that. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure what she sees in me.

Come on, guy. None of us are "perfect", but she married you, Knucklehead, and wasn't it her idea? I'm figuring she didn't marry you for your money, huh?

Not that I don't want to be romantic and take her out, but 4 kids and no money kinda killed that for us.

Sigh. This is what the absolute love of money gets us. "Romantic" and money don't have to have that much in common. My wife and I used to pack a picnic basket, and go swimming at a creek that had a nice little sandbar at it. All by ourselves, laying on the sand, and talking about the things we wanted to do. We fried chicken, made tea and 'tater salad. Didn't need to go to Ruth's Chris to be romantic, and we still don't. Neither do you. Remember, it's the thought that counts the most.

It's not like that really. It's the idea of the money situation as a whole she makes this much, I make this much, it's ours. But think for a second. If I make $450/week and she makes $600/week(not really, but for arguements sake), and we have the kids in daycare, the point is that we didn't make any more than we did before I started working. So that's my point on that.

I know you'll learn this later on, but a guy's job isn't just about the money. You provide a service somebody wants. You do (or can do) something worthwhile, and when you do that something right, and competently, there's a huge measure of self respect that goes along with that. The money's important, but really deep down it's just the meringue on top of the blackberry pie. Your satisfaction in doing a good job isn't measured by a per hour amount, but never discount how much it's really worth. If you hand dig a ditch that's square and clean and straight and of the correct depth, that's something to be proud of.

planning and strategy is more fly by night things here because we owe this and that and bills come up due that we cant pay for on her salary alone. This is part of the root of our problems.

Once again, a written Dave Ramsey type budget is the way to stop those "unplanned" bills. It has to be in writing, so it's harder to fudge on, and promise "to do better on later", in which "later" never comes. Put it on paper, and you have half of the problem whipped right then. The root of your problems is you're spending more than you're making. Be honest with yourself.

Yes. I know. But locked down for life is better than child support right now.

I hope you're kidding about the "locked down for life" stuff. If you feel like that in the smallest amount, I don't know what to tell you.

 

[USMC_0311]

Sorry to burst anyone's bubble here, but the belching-the-alphabet-dutch-oven-giving-crude-comment-slinging-boob-grabbing-barbarians so many of you turn into once married are not a turn on.

Huh, I thought that was what turned her on. I got some work to do.

 

[GhostofWinter]

Been married and divorced twice. Don't think I should comment about this one accept to say if you are not happy then it's not a marriage but feels like a jail sentence.

Greg