Am I THAT bad at math????

[SavageEagle]

Yes, be forewarned, this is a rant. Nothing to see here, please move along...



Apparently, 7 days, not consecutively, is every weekend of the year. Even if the day doesn't land on a weekend.

Yep. You read that right. My wife said that we can't make any family plans because of my involvement in the Tea Party. Apparently I've ruined all her plans because I'm doing this. Even though the July 4th Tea Party was planned loooooong before she planned her outting with her friend, it's MY fault that we aren't spending Independence Day together.

How the #*$& does THAT work?

On top of that, we all know how long the INGO Picnic was planned, but she made plans for that weekend behind my back and then said it was MY fault that we couldn't be together last weekend. I just couldn't show up without my kids. Not to a family picnic, and not especially after I said I'd bring my kids. I just couldn't do it. So instead I took the day to myself and went to Lieber SP and Cataract Falls. (Which wasn't much of a Falls with the water so high...)

So I guess it's all my fault that we spend EVERY DAY together except for a few weekends out of the year. Even though I spend ALL DAY with my family, it's wrong for me to do ANYTHING by myself or make plans that include everyone. All because she doesn't feel like it when that day comes. If this is what marriage is all about, I didn't sign up for this. I signed up for the love, dedication, and devotion. Not the constant bi#$%*@!, controlling, arguing, and selfishness that I'm seeing constantly.

Is this what marriage is suppose to be like? I don't remember my parents doing this. I don't remember my friends parents doing this. Christ. Ok. I'm done. I'm sorry. I just needed to vent.

Like I said, move along, nothing to see here.

 

[Fletch]

Sounds like you need a formal "family calendar" hanging on the fridge. First person to put something on a space wins.

 

[Cwood]

Welcome to marriage!

 

[SavageEagle]

Sounds like you need a formal "family calendar" hanging on the fridge. First person to put something on a space wins.

Tried that. Doesn't help.

Apparently what I have planned isn't as important as getting her nails done. Even though my plans cost less.

OMG.

I just realized that all these people who bad mouth marriage were right.



Crap.

 

[RachelMarie]

Sounds like you need a formal "family calendar" hanging on the fridge. First person to put something on a space wins.

This would work great for your family. It's what we do and **POOF**, no more fights about who is planning what!


Is this what marriage is? In my eyes? KIND OF. Marriage is a bunch of things...most good, some not so great. Marriage is compromise! Good luck! It sounds like you and the wife need a night out to yourselves! PLAN SOMETHING!

 

[2ADMNLOVER]

Being divorced , I'm biased so I'll leave this one alone .

 

[BloodEclipse]

Is this what marriage is? In my eyes? KIND OF. Marriage is a bunch of things...most good, some not so great. Marriage is compromise!

That requires both parties to understand they won't always get their way. You give here she gives there. If one party is always giving that is not compromise. Good luck and don't be a push over just to keep the peace or you will regret it.

 

[SavageEagle]

Marriage is compromise! Good luck! It sounds like you and the wife need a night out to yourselves! PLAN SOMETHING!

Oh I comprimise plenty. I give up just about everything. I won't go into the list, but trust me, it's just about everything besides INGO and the Tea Party. It's bad enough I can't hang out with my friends. I'm home all day with the kids, but when she gets off work and I need to go somewhere, I get an earfull until I give in a say the hell with it. But it's ok for her to lock herself in our room or leave. But yet I never let her hang out with her friends.

Damn. I sound like a friggin woman. SMACK ME PLEASE!

Good luck and don't be a push over just to keep the peace or you will regret it.

I quit being a push over at 18. I'm just trying to keep the peace so the kids don't see us argue and fight.

I would LOVE to get out the house and do something with her, but my only babysitter, my mom, B*#$%es because then she can't go out with her friends.

Damned if I do. Damned if I don't I guess.

 

[ATF Consumer]

pm sent...

 

[HandK]

The sooner you come to grips with that the fact that mars is red, the dog puked on the rug, It rained on her graduation day, or her locking herself out of her car is all your fault the better of you will be, Just repeat after me, Yes Dear, Yeas Dear, Yes Dear, I am sorry dear, now you have what it takes to remain sane!!! Hope this helps.

 

[Bill of Rights]

Oh I comprimise plenty. I give up just about everything. I won't go into the list, but trust me, it's just about everything besides INGO and the Tea Party. It's bad enough I can't hang out with my friends. I'm home all day with the kids, but when she gets off work and I need to go somewhere, I get an earfull until I give in a say the hell with it. But it's ok for her to lock herself in our room or leave. But yet I never let her hang out with her friends.

Damn. I sound like a friggin woman. SMACK ME PLEASE!



I quit being a push over at 18. I'm just trying to keep the peace so the kids don't see us argue and fight.

I would LOVE to get out the house and do something with her, but my only babysitter, my mom, B*#$%es because then she can't go out with her friends.

Damned if I do. Damned if I don't I guess.

Ryan,

With all due respect, saying you quit being a pushover at 18 is easy, but backing it up, esp. when you give in on this, that, whatever, and she and your mom don't seem (from your post) to give in on anything is kinda tough to believe.

Start writing things down, e.g.:

(date) (time) wanted to get out of the house for a couple of hours. (wife) stated, "(her actual words, verbatim)" in an angry (or whatever) tone of voice. Did not go out.

In fairness, also write down the times you DO get what you want, with or without a fight, as well as times that she wanted to go do something and you objected.

After a month or two, sit down and look over your list. Add up how many of each there were, then have a quiet, reasoned, adult conversation with her. If tempers start to flare, take a big breath, drop your voice, and keep your cool. The point here is discussion, as fighting will get you nowhere.

Additionally, one thing I heard years ago was to frame things you say as "I" statements. Consider the following:

"You never let me go out and do anything with my friends."

vs.

"I've been cooped up in the house all week, and I'd really like to get out for a while."

The first one is accusatory and includes a "never", both of which are show-stoppers. The second is fact, not opinion, and expressed remedy. The kids are hers, too, and just because you're "Mr. Mom"ing things doesn't change that or make them solely your responsibility.

As for babysitting, maybe present it to your mom that she might like to have the kids over to grandma's for the night some weekend... and you two sit down together to plan what you'll do when she agrees, whenever she does. Maybe dinner, a movie, maybe just a moonlight picnic, whatever.

Calm is the key. Good luck.

Blessings,
Bill

 

[USMC_0311]

Well she is right it is all your fault. When you figure out who really is the boss then it gets real easy to do the things you want. You got to play the game, life will be much easier.

 

[SavageEagle]

The sooner you come to grips with that the fact that mars is red, the dog puked on the rug, It rained on her graduation day, or her locking herself out of her car is all your fault the better of you will be, Just repeat after me, Yes Dear, Yeas Dear, Yes Dear, I am sorry dear, now you have what it takes to remain sane!!! Hope this helps.

My sanity has always been retained by making a midnight roadtrip to, well, wherever my steering wheel takes me, restricted, of course, only by my gas tank.

I'm sorry for unloading this here. It's just that INGO is about the only place I can have an intelligent conversation without getting yelled at for whatever anymore.

 

[hornadylnl]

Isn't it amazing how much they change the minute they say I do? After that, they've got you by the short and curlies and think they own you. I've got a great woman and hope to never be divorced but even the great ones have their moments. I will never get married again. The court system always rule in their favor so they behave as such. If you don't have that marriage license, there is nothing preventing you from throwing them out on their ear so they behave as such.

 

[Bigum1969]

I think Bill of Rights had a great idea. Keep a little journal. Write things down -- and not just the things she does bad. The point is to make something that is irrational rational for the purposes of a discussion.

Also remember that feelings are just that -- feelings. They are not right or wrong. They are feelings. So, the feelings involved in these issues between the both of you need to be respected.

Marriage is a journey. It's also about a lot of compromise. For me, having a family of my own makes it all more than worth it. Sometimes it's hard for me not to be right, even if I'm darned sure I'm right!

Good luck, buddy.

 

[jennybird]

Ryan,

With all due respect, saying you quit being a pushover at 18 is easy, but backing it up, esp. when you give in on this, that, whatever, and she and your mom don't seem (from your post) to give in on anything is kinda tough to believe.

Start writing things down, e.g.:

(date) (time) wanted to get out of the house for a couple of hours. (wife) stated, "(her actual words, verbatim)" in an angry (or whatever) tone of voice. Did not go out.

In fairness, also write down the times you DO get what you want, with or without a fight, as well as times that she wanted to go do something and you objected.

After a month or two, sit down and look over your list. Add up how many of each there were, then have a quiet, reasoned, adult conversation with her. If tempers start to flare, take a big breath, drop your voice, and keep your cool. The point here is discussion, as fighting will get you nowhere.

Additionally, one thing I heard years ago was to frame things you say as "I" statements. Consider the following:

"You never let me go out and do anything with my friends."

vs.

"I've been cooped up in the house all week, and I'd really like to get out for a while."

The first one is accusatory and includes a "never", both of which are show-stoppers. The second is fact, not opinion, and expressed remedy. The kids are hers, too, and just because you're "Mr. Mom"ing things doesn't change that or make them solely your responsibility.

As for babysitting, maybe present it to your mom that she might like to have the kids over to grandma's for the night some weekend... and you two sit down together to plan what you'll do when she agrees, whenever she does. Maybe dinner, a movie, maybe just a moonlight picnic, whatever.

Calm is the key. Good luck.

Blessings,
Bill

Dr. Phil? Is that you?

Sav, listen to BOR. He's right. You're married and it's up to both of you to find some middle ground. If you don't, someone is going to end up resentful... and that's when things start going down hill.

 

[El Cazador]

Didn't you and your wife live together for some time before getting married recently? Was this the way of things before you got married, or is this new? From my reading of your previous (before this thread) posts on your life, and this is my completely amateur take on things, I'm thinking you and your new wife are a bit too comfy with you staying home, taking care of things there and her working outside the home.

Maybe it's time to shoulder the cost and burden of childcare, and you go back to working outside again. I know that amount of daily separation and shared responsibility for keeping the home going when both are working seems to help keep the keel even in a marriage. Just some thoughts...but if you're feeling this way a lot, you need to change the way things are so it doesn't ruin everything in just a short while.

 

[Beau]

Sorry your having problems.

My biggest problem with my wife is her making plans without telling me. I usually don't find out about family plans until the night before or the day of. Really pisses me off.

 

[SavageEagle]

Ryan,

With all due respect, saying you quit being a pushover at 18 is easy, but backing it up, esp. when you give in on this, that, whatever, and she and your mom don't seem (from your post) to give in on anything is kinda tough to believe.

Start writing things down, e.g.:

(date) (time) wanted to get out of the house for a couple of hours. (wife) stated, "(her actual words, verbatim)" in an angry (or whatever) tone of voice. Did not go out.

In fairness, also write down the times you DO get what you want, with or without a fight, as well as times that she wanted to go do something and you objected.

After a month or two, sit down and look over your list. Add up how many of each there were, then have a quiet, reasoned, adult conversation with her. If tempers start to flare, take a big breath, drop your voice, and keep your cool. The point here is discussion, as fighting will get you nowhere.

I'd do that, but she'd find it and, well, I'm sure you can imagine the carnage that would then ensue. I do take mental notes about this though. For both our sides. I've found that she does give in a lot to me, or at least, she used to. But that amount isn't anything compared to what I give in for her though. I don't want it to be a competetion though even to compete to make it fair. That in itself just doesn't seem fair. I give in to her a lot because I want her to be happy. I think I've given up on making myself happy. I'm more about making my kids happy, then her happy. I just take happiness in my kids anymore.

Additionally, one thing I heard years ago was to frame things you say as "I" statements. Consider the following:

"You never let me go out and do anything with my friends."

vs.

"I've been cooped up in the house all week, and I'd really like to get out for a while."

The first one is accusatory and includes a "never", both of which are show-stoppers. The second is fact, not opinion, and expressed remedy. The kids are hers, too, and just because you're "Mr. Mom"ing things doesn't change that or make them solely your responsibility.

That does sound good, and I'll probably try it more often. The problem I see coming from it is that using "I" becomes selfish if used a lot. I guess it may have to be all about how you use it maybe?

As for babysitting, maybe present it to your mom that she might like to have the kids over to grandma's for the night some weekend... and you two sit down together to plan what you'll do when she agrees, whenever she does. Maybe dinner, a movie, maybe just a moonlight picnic, whatever.

Calm is the key. Good luck.

Blessings,
Bill

Here inlies most of the problem We still live with Grandma. We got forced out our aparment because some potheads started causing stupid trouble for us. After being threatened with death by firearm, ****I**** got kicked out. No, I have no friggin clue how that works. We moved in with her to help her to not lose her house. Now that I'm daddy daycare and can't find work, we can't afford to move back out. This is cause for more tension and stress than is EVER necessary and is a big cause for why I everyday.

Well she is right it is all your fault. When you figure out who really is the boss then it gets real easy to do the things you want. You got to play the game, life will be much easier.

I refuse to play the game. I was never good about playing by the rules I guess. Rules are restrictive and I hate restriction. I follow the morals I've been taught all my life. Those just happen to be that which I was taught through Boys Scouts and Church(mostly Boy Scouts). I'm not perfect, no. But I refuse to play any game and will not hesitate to become a loner.

I will agree with one thing. If I ever left my wife, I would not marry again. I don't see it coming to that though.

I think I realized what the hell is really going on here.

See, the other day when I took my SP roadtrip, I told God that I wasn't going to leave her and that I would do my best to keep this family together. My guess is that it's God dragging my through Hell to test me on that statement.

Now I worry if I fail this test, does that make me a horrible person or a horrible Christian, or both?

 

[HandK]

What ever you do don't go clouding up the issues with facts!!! it will only get you in deeper trouble, if you think things are unreasonable now what until menopause!!! you Will think you have been at an amusement park until now. I find it helps if you just stop trying to ractionalize it and just except that it does not make any sence then you can go forward, Nothing dear be right there, gota go