Turning Her Conscience?

[ditto]

Professional counseling. Especially in view of the fact that she is pregnant.

Agreed. In addition to what others have suggested (sit down talk, educating her, meeting other INGO members to try and get her involved).

Sometimes it takes more than one person/one point of view to help someone become more open minded. Do you know any women that own firearms? You could make a solid case in defense of owning/carrying firearms but sometimes a person just needs to hear it from someone else.

Protip: I hope you followed up with a nice piece of jewelery after she sent you to the doghouse for the gun for Christmas (I can't blame her...90% of women see jewelery > guns)...generally it does not bode well to buy a woman something that she has no interest in let alone a slight aversion to in hopes of getting her interested in it...even if you did have the best intentions in mind

Good luck to you guys. I hope you can work it out.

 

[ssblair]

I'm curious if she would feel any different about a shotgun? Rifles are often criticized for overpenetration and the added risk to neighbors and folks in the next room. Shotguns not so much, but they've never been criticized for not getting the HD job done.

And in response to the "heirloom" logic, I'm not sure that I would consider an M4 carbine to be of "family heirloom" grade either, but who knows in another 60 years... (but by then Mosins, Garands, & M1 carbines will be REALLY rare. )

 

[Redskinsfan]

It sounds to me that she is trying to protect her child in the manner she best understands. Buying the handgun for a gift was a poor idea, you were trying to force your will on her, anyone would resent that.

You have a child on the way, I urge you to talk to your wife and find out what she wants for your child. This comes from a man who is successfully married, my counsel isn't empty foolishness.

 

[00BlasterResto]

I like your post. Welcome to INGO from Mishawaka! have a serious sit down as mentioned.

 

[M. Rockatansky]

QFT.

Yep. Since the OP's primary motivation is to protect his family, I assume you would want to ensure there is a family to protect in the first place. Talk it out.

 

[cobber]

"Do not be unevenly yoked with unbelievers."

Good luck on this.

 

[stephen87]

OP, does she have any female friends who shoot or can shoot that might borrow a gun or two from you take her? I know YOU want to be the one to take her and all that, but (you'll disagree and most men will get mad about) wives and girlfriends take what men say with a grain of salt but will listen to their friends. Example, I take mmh girlfriend that I wanted to get into shooting competitions. Immediately she dismissed it. Fast forward two weeks, she went and hung out with an old friend from elementary school that said her and her boyfriend do shooting competitions. She didn't mention it to me at first, but after a week she texted me and said that her friend mentioned IDPA and that she'd like to at the very least check it out. So check with her friends and see if any of them have a positive or negative opinion of guns. Chances are one of her friends has a negative opinion and any that have a positive opinion aren't the first to admit it for whatever reason.

 

[Dobber]

Too many of you to "quote" and respond, so I'll try to hit some of the bigger points.

1. I had prepared for a negative reaction to the Christmas present and had indeed procured a VERY sentimental piece of jewelery. I believe that to be the reason she started talking to me on Day 2.

2. Someone stated that I should try and sit her down, get her talking, etc. I've tried. It hasn't worked.

3. Another person suggested that someone else take a stab. Her brother, a LEO of sorts, sat down with her for more than an hour with rubber blanks and all. This is why she is currently comfortable with her firearm as a self defense mechanism.

4. Getting her to the range with other guns, ideas is plausible but she is (obviously) very safety conscious and insists on an indoor controlled range. My Bro-In-Law has an outdoor range which she is always welcome to but won't go. Getting him to come to me will be an issue of logistics.

5. To the person who said "Don't buy a new gun and surprise her." I suppose I'm glad that I have a 9 month wait for the weapon to arrive.

6. To those who thought professional help was in order: This would backfire. Hard.

I'd like to thank you all for your input, encouragement, and interest. I'm going to work on her over the next 6 months and get her to a point that she's comfortable with a home-defense-specific "small rifle." I also think that a big step will be getting her a LTCH. This is a "passive" action that will associate her with gun ownership in a very real way. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner.

Please feel free to continue leaving feedback, but I feel far more focused now then when I started this thread and appreciate everyone's time.

-Dobber

 

[stephen87]

Too many of you to "quote" and respond, so I'll try to hit some of the bigger points.

1. I had prepared for a negative reaction to the Christmas present and had indeed procured a VERY sentimental piece of jewelery. I believe that to be the reason she started talking to me on Day 2.

2. Someone stated that I should try and sit her down, get her talking, etc. I've tried. It hasn't worked.

3. Another person suggested that someone else take a stab. Her brother, a LEO of sorts, sat down with her for more than an hour with rubber blanks and all. This is why she is currently comfortable with her firearm as a self defense mechanism.

4. Getting her to the range with other guns, ideas is plausible but she is (obviously) very safety conscious and insists on an indoor controlled range. My Bro-In-Law has an outdoor range which she is always welcome to but won't go. Getting him to come to me will be an issue of logistics.

5. To the person who said "Don't buy a new gun and surprise her." I suppose I'm glad that I have a 9 month wait for the weapon to arrive.

6. To those who thought professional help was in order: This would backfire. Hard.

I'd like to thank you all for your input, encouragement, and interest. I'm going to work on her over the next 6 months and get her to a point that she's comfortable with a home-defense-specific "small rifle." I also think that a big step will be getting her a LTCH. This is a "passive" action that will associate her with gun ownership in a very real way. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner.

Please feel free to continue leaving feedback, but I feel far more focused now then when I started this thread and appreciate everyone's time.

-Dobber

I believe that one was aimed at me, and if it was a brother is different than a friend. Try to find a female in her life that is comfortable around guns and see if that helps any. When she sees that her female friend is comfortable, she'll relax a tad bit. It worked for my girlfriend.

 

[88GT]

If you want the rifle to keep your family safe, get it.

Everything else is about control in the relationship. Firearms is one of her ways of maintaining that control. You'll have to change that first if you want her to come around to your way of thinking.

 

[IndyGunner]

I told my girlfriend of 4 years that there are three things that, if taken or limited, would result in my leaving the relationship. Motorcycles, guns, and guitar... leave me those and we're good!

 

[Captain Morgan]

Pose hypothetical self-defense situations to her and ask her what she thinks is the best response. Don't give her any multiple choice questions, make the questions completely open ended. Get her thinking about WHY having a handgun or rifle would be good. Never start with the WHAT, always start with the WHY. Let her answer and keep your mouth shut while she answers. Do NOT interject your own thoughts in the matter until she's completely spoken her mind.

At some point, ask her why she doesn't like rifles. Don't settle for "I just don't," press her for WHY she doesn't like them. If you don't get to the why, you'll never figure out how to get around her logic. Be like a kid and keep asking "why?" until you get to the truth behind it.

 

[ilovemyjeep]

It would be interesting, as well as probably a real eye opener, if she were aware of how many women carry every day. I don't mean across the country, I mean in her local area. The woman in front of her in the grocery checkout lane, the mom with 2 kids at the park, the girl who cuts her hair, the dental hygienist, the mom sitting next to her at a church committee meeting....... as well as how many men carry.

I was shocked when I realized how many women around me carry and have shotguns as well.
Recently I was having a conversation with a patient, she's a sweet 80 year old woman....and she showed me her favorite toy.....yep...it was a 38! in a holster in her purse.
A year ago, this was a huge surprise to me...that PEOPLE carry guns. Not people out there somewhere, but people I come in contact with every day.

And a year ago, I would have said I would never carry, myself, but as time has passed and I have had these experiences, my position has changed.

 

[jworm1420]

let me just say i understand what your goin through. When i fisrt got with my now wife, she wasnt fond of me carryuing either. well after a while i sat her down and tried to explain why it was so important to b able to protect herself. she isnt the biggest women so i simply snatched her up and told her if im able to do this to you what do u think a big criminal will do to ya? I also work nights so i used the "I cant always b here to protect u and the family so its your responsibility to protect the babies..."

I think thats when she realized that i cant always b around to protect her. I proceeded to make her learn how to operate and safely use evry gun we have at home. Shotgun, AR, pistols, all of them. I think the one important thing u can do is make her understand how important your wife and childrens well being is to you. Im sure she knows how important it is but i thimnk u really have tomake hr understand that. just soime food for thought. Good luck.

 

[caverjamie]

At the end of the day my drive to guarantee my family's protection and safety is going to outweigh uninformed or inappropriate fears...but I'd sure like this situation to develop smoothly.

Well, realistically, a SBR wouldn't be the best first choice for home protection, most advice I have seen points people toward a shotgun with an appropriate load. I think you said that you were "in the process" of purchasing the rifle in question also.

In your situation, I wouldn't be buying the rifle until I had some sort of agreement in place with the wife. You're married, and have children, so "run" isn't good advice at this point. Some people (not that I would know) can hide new rifles if they already have several others that look similar which you can't do. If you could get someone in your family to agree to pretend to "gift" you the rifle under some special occasion, that would help the issue be less contentious. (I better mention that this is dishonest, and honestly is always the best policy, but sometimes I just can't handle the yelling that I know would result, so I avoid the issue )

I would continue to use the handgun for home defense, and keep bothering your wife about what you want until you work something out. If she says "it's not happening" you say "I'm an adult with a job and I want this, what is it going to take" "don't treat me like a child" so on and so forth, until something is resolved. You could even pull out the big guns (figuratively, don't show her the SBR at this point) and say something like "I'll resent you for the rest of our marriage if you continue to treat me with such disrespect" - if she ever agrees, just be sure you don't have a negligent discharge and shoot yourself in the leg or something.

Good luck

 

[Dobber]

UPDATE:
Some of the responses here obviously came from experienced husbands who have run into this KIND of issue, if not this very issue, in their marriage. I really appreciate your input and it ultimately led me to this scenario.

Backstory: Two years ago I terminated a contract with Comcast after 3 years of disservice, more then a hundred hours on the phone with CS, consistently inconsistent bills, etc. You all know the deal...I'm sure I could start a thread on Comcast bashing. Anywho, we moved out to the country last year on a wooded lot. No Dish, no ATT U-Verse. My wife sent me an email a few months ago entitled "Negotiations" in which she laid a solid case for being home all day, keeping her responsibilities to the house, Olympics coming on soon, blah blah blah. I gave in to her logic in spite of the hatred of Comcast deep within my soul. So....

Today I sent her an email entitled "Negotiations" which outlined the reasons that I believed a "small" rifle was an appropriate and necessary addition to our home defense plans. I don't know if she was overcome by the wall-o-text or if she saw truth in my statements, but she agreed....kind of. Her response was to the effect: "Do what you think is best but I don't want to ever see it unless it's being used, I don't want to use it, and I don't want to hear about it." I was careful to state several times that the rifle would be "small" and have a short barrel. This way, if the concept of tax stickers ever comes up, I can claim that I was upfront. And I was.

I'll take this for now. The next steps will be to get her comfortable with it and get her "learned" on it but I have a year or so.

Caver: I agree on the shotgun, but I am not confident that she would handle a job-appropriate weapon with confidence. I'm not going to say she's dainty...but, she's dainty. She shot my 410 a few years ago and complained about the pain. Sure her form was junk and she probably had it in her mind that the recoil was going to be uncomfortable, but I'm not going to try to sell her on a shotgun. I'd rather start anew with a type of gun she's never shot before.

Also, I'd rather she have 30 rounds to send down the hallway then 6 or 8. It seems the crime in my area (South Bend/Elkhart) is group-focused of late so I'd like to account for 4-5 rounds per assaulter. Seems fair to me.

Thanks again everyone for your input. Had you not strongly encouraged me to be straightforward and honest, I would likely have been caught "red handed" with a new toy and no excuses next June.

-Dobber

 

[the1kidd03]

I don't think anyone suggested this so far, but invite/encourage her to join this site to learn things for herself.

Simply put, explain that guns are now a part of your life and it's only logical to be as educated on them as possible and this site is the best way to obtain that education for free

 

[Hotdoger]

No "Negotiations" in my house.
I don't tell my wife what clothes , purses or shoes to buy.
She ISN'T and won't to tell what firearm I can purchase.

Been married 32 years this Nov.

Guess we are from a different planet.

 

[Pitmaster]

How about both of you going to an NRA Refuse To Be A Victim Class. The idea is let her figure out how she is going to protect the children when you aren't there.

I would also suggest www.corneredcat.com. Its a great site with good advice for women and men. You can also buy the book. But you might print off some low key thoughtful pages for her to read.

If your wife is anything like most wives and husbands. Don't try to manipulate or push her into changing her mind. That will just cause her to dig in her heels. Back off for awhile and let things percolate.

From another SB website.

The local sheriff's office just arrested 14 juveniles between the ages of 12-14 who were running an organized burglary and fencing operation right in the area where we live.

The whole thing was kept very hush hush by both the media and SO. One of our neighbors awake at 2AM from heart burn, indigestion, etc. spotted three juveniles committing a burglary in progress. Called them into dispatch and he gave chase and lost them. A patrol car however picked them up.

14 have been arrested after some good police work. Appears the organized crime rig was set up and run through the local middle school. Household goods stolen, no firearms (I have no firearms at home anyway).

I didn't see this until a neighbor got a copy of the police report. Didn't make the media. I would hang everyone of them. We'll put a gallows in my parking lot and offer a community service. Unbelievable

 

[Darral27]

One way to consider that worked for me is I purchased a Custom built Ruger 10/22. Scope, bipod, custom stock and barrel. I took my wife out the range with it and we shot golf balls at about 50 yards. Shooting is a lot more fun for a beginner if they can hit their target and 22lr really has no felt recoil. My wife enjoyed that so much we found a Walther P22 for her. She loved shooting that at the pistol range. 6 months or so after that I got her to shoot one of my 9mm's which she also enjoyed. If you look one of my pics on here is of my wife shooting my AR15. She did not much care for the recoil on that so I bought her an AR chambered in 9mm. She loves that. Baby steps at first. Also to this day if I would ever mention getting rid of that 10/22 my wife would probably kill me.