Turning Her Conscience?

[Dobber]

So, here's the history:

Back when my wife and I were doing the dating thing (2005-2010) I always had a handgun. Just one. I carried it at times, usually when situations were more risky like midnight movie showings (no joking intended) or receptions at downtown venues, etc. She was always uncomfortable just knowing that I was carrying. I got her to the shooting range once in 2007, which she seemed to enjoy, but she has yet to go back. Once we had our first child she started limiting when I could carry; basically stating that she didn't want me to carry when I was around the baby. I declined agreement to that concept and it is still a contentious topic.

I'm a software installer/technician by profession and have found that the fastest way to get people to engage on a project that they're not fond of is to put them into a position of ownership. I applied that principle directly to this issue and last Christmas got her her very own Ruger SR9c. She didn't talk to me for the rest of the day or even halfway to Florida the next day. Now, before you get on my back about it - I know it was poor form to select her first gun for her. What I really did was buy a gun that I wouldn't mind as a backup/situational carry and put a shiney bow on it for her. I fully expected that she'd want to go back and pick out something on her own which I would certainly have encouraged.

Now I'm in a position that the "random" crime in my area is increasing and I don't feel comfortable having only a handgun in the house - locked in a safe. I've started the process of purchasing an M4 style SBR for Home Protection. I have neglected to tell her about this purchase yet as she is SOLIDLY anti-rifle.

How would you, did you, or should I go about addressing this sort of problem? Another wrench: She's currently prego with #2 which means that a great deal of care must be taken during this process (and no range time).

Thanks for your honest assistance.

-Dobber

 

[Mosinowner]

Is she anti gun or just scared of guns? Show her that they can't go off on their own. Show her all the stories about home defense. Tell her that it is your responsibility to protect her.

 

[Tydeeh22]

oh my..

perhaps she is still fearful that a firearm could cause harm to one of the children. i honestly would take any "demand" as to where and when i could carry with a grain of salt. there is no way i am going to break that good of a habit in order to make someone happy. perhaps she needs an eye opener.. have a buddy kick in the door and run around the house, while you fumble with keys trying to get your pistol from the safe. purple intended.. or not?

as for telling her about the rifle you purchased, i would ease into it by taking her to the range, and asking her if she would like to shoot a "family heirloom".. then let her try it out..

 

[Disposable Heart]

Is she anti gun or just scared of guns? Show her that they can't go off on their own. Show her all the stories about home defense. Tell her that it is your responsibility to protect her.

And her responsibility to protect herself as well. A huge issue women are faced with, not only with shooting, but everyday life, is that men typically relegate women into the role of victim. Women's only guns classes can help with as without the occasionally overbearing male life figure present, they learn quicker and become more conscious of their right to defense and what it entails to be a mother, woman and human in this dangerous society of ours...

 

[WC Deer Hunter]

Tell her she needs to do it for the children. That's how I convinced my wife anyway.

 

[Dobber]

I should clarify: I re-read my post and realized that I painted her much more the anti-advocate then she is. Recently and for the near future I'm doing a lot of traveling for work. When I'm away from the house she requests that "her" handgun be left loaded, on safety, in the safe should there be any problems. She is competent with a handgun and is comfortable with normal operation as well as safety-aware. I'm not sure if she is so anti-rifle on account of the slippery-slope that gun addiction is or if she has some misconception about rifles being a hell of a lot more dangerous than handguns. Realistically, a round could make it through a wall and into a neighbors house marginally more easily but I'm not going to think about whether Bobby and Betsy are safe through 3+ walls and over 400ft when there's an assailant in my hallway. But I digress. She is not completely anti-gun, she is anti-more-guns and much less fond of CC even then she used to be.

I like the "Family Heirloom" concept but it is inapplicable. Each time I try to open the discussion to get a good handle on her fears and concerns I get shutdown immediately with "I just don't like it. I don't. It's not happening."

At the end of the day my drive to guarantee my family's protection and safety is going to outweigh uninformed or inappropriate fears...but I'd sure like this situation to develop smoothly.

 

[rgrimm01]

...i honestly would take any "demand" as to where and when i could carry with a grain of salt. there is no way i am going to break that good of a habit in order to make someone happy.

And a relationship is built on love, commitment, loyalty and the ensuing trust. A happy wife makes for a happy home which will never happen if her concerns are taken "with a grain of salt"...

I was fortunate to have a few various firearms at the time me and my Lady were dating. She was curious and not intimidated. We did not have any wee ones in the house. Have you considered having her take a class(with you or possibly with a gal pal) to become more comfortable with firearms? I do not know your Mrs., but I doubt that she will ever submit to being force fed.

 

[marsell]

Doesn't sound like it will develop smoothly. Trust is easily lost but very difficult to rebuild. You should probably get to that immediately. I have always been a straight to the point and pragmatic kinda guy.

 

[Dobber]

Doesn't sound like it will develop smoothly. Trust is easily lost but very difficult to rebuild. You should probably get to that immediately. I have always been a straight to the point and pragmatic kinda guy.

Fair. So do I tell her it's an NFA regulated/taxed firearm and she's not allowed to "possess" it solo?

 

[the1kidd03]

There is a LOT of issues to address here. For starters, you need to sit her down and have a clear and concise conversation with her regarding her reasoning/true feelings towards firearms of all types. YOU need to understand where she is coming from. You may already and simply haven't clearly conveyed that in this post yet, but that is absolutley detrimental to determining how to progress on the other issues. Once you do this, I would suggest you update your findings through this thread to receive more accurate advice on how to further pursue.

She apparently understands the need for a means to protection, but her knowledge on the "real world" seems to be somewhat limited. I would highly suggest you find all the "horror stories" you can to share with her. You can spend DAYS digging through threads here in this subforum to locate such articles/videos. I would HIGHLY recommend VIDEO footage too, because it's not like news stories which can be easily "altered."

Those you choose should CLEARLY suggest to the observer that YOU CANNOT predict when/how an attack is going to take place and it happens FAST. Until this concept is TRULY understood, you will gain NO ground.

I OC 99% of the time and come across people from all walks of life. I often get engaged in civil conversations regarding firearms, defense, etc. I've organized carry events, neighborhood watches, etc. I grew up around guns my entire life although my sister is as "anti-gun" as they come. I've come across MANY previously "anti-gun" people. Many of them are easily "converted" to varying degrees when confronted with facts and realism. My sister is so anti largely because she has really had no truly bad experiences in her life to either her, or anyone close to her...so she lives in her "bubble."

This "bubble effect" is often a root cause of people's fears or other "misunderstanding" of safety, defense, and firearms. Sometimes it may take a little more than video. Talking to a female victim of a violent crime who now carries and advocates it can be an EXTREMELY sobering event for ANYONE, I've found in my experiences. I've known/met several such women and are close to some. Occasionally, a "heart to heart" between these women can communicate points more effectively than that of a male. Why? IDK, but it does sometimes.

 

[Tydeeh22]

And a relationship is built on love, commitment, loyalty and the ensuing trust. A happy wife makes for a happy home which will never happen if her concerns are taken "with a grain of salt"...

a woman should also take you for who you are. if i happen to be a gun-toting nutjob she fell in love with, great. but it was the child being born that caused Ops' wife to hinder his carrying of a firearm. happy wife = happy life, yes, but in this case she should consider the firearm to be not so... evil and harmful.

 

[stephen87]

My girlfriend was actually very similar. She used to always say "Are you carrying? Why do you have that? Leave it in the car." After awhile it's become natural for her to see me with it. She used to say that I carried for the attention, especially when I was asked to take to the car during a movie. She thought nothing would ever happen at a theatre. Well, she got pregnant and I reminded her that I carry not only for my protection, but her's and the baby's as well. We lost the baby and she was more comfortable with the idea. We went to an INGO meet & eat earlier this year and she talked to some people and now wants to go shooting and possibly get her own gun as well. She still didn't want me carrying in taboo places though (theatres, resturants, etc). After the shooting in CO, she was okay with me carrying everywhere. Then the shooting in NYC made her take a step back. Her words were "This is why people shouldn't have guns." After the news was released that the police are the ones who shot the 9 people, she switched it to "This is why you should be able to carry a gun, to protect yourself from the police who can't do their job correctly." I laughed as I'm wanting to become a LEO, but she's okay with me carrying again. My recommendation is show her stories where people could have used some type of tool for self defense and then show her stories where people DID use any tools of self defense, including firearms, knives, OC, whatever it is. And take her to the range also, let her blow off some steam and shoot her new toy, I mean tool.

 

[gcoop]

I got all kinds of questions and unhappy moments from my wife about having and carrying guns. I suggested she read The Armed Citizen section of the American Rifleman NRA magazine. She understands how things are now and is wanting to learn more about the shooting sports.

 

[Colinb913]

I was in the same spot as Stephen. My fiance and I were dating when I first started to carry and I got a bunch of eye rolling, snide remarks, and stuff like that. "Why are you carrying that?" "Leave it in the car." "Cover the damn thing up." "You don't need that." To tell you the truth, she just got used to it. It took about six or seven months for her to get ok with the idea, and now she has me actively looking for a handgun for her...

To address the OP, trust me, a relationship is built on trust. If you go behind her back and betray her trust (ordering a new gun), and just having it show up at the house one day, you're going to be in a world of hurt. I am a firm believer in "it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission", but in this case it isn't.

Try to get her out to the range again, and have a buddy meet you out there with some rifles/shotguns/handguns and see if she will shoot any of them. Pay close attention to what she gravitates towards, and maybe think about purchasing something similar.

Bring to her attention things like the movie theater in CO, the shooting in NYC, and any other POSITIVE news story with someone carrying "saving the day". Make sure you practice meticulous gun safety around the home, especially with little ones, and hopefully that will prove to her you care.

I broke my parents into having guns in the house just by bringing one in. It worked on them, but on a significant other, it doesn't tend to work out that way all the time. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best of luck..

 

[rgrimm01]

a woman should also take you for who you are. if i happen to be a gun-toting nutjob she fell in love with, great. but it was the child being born that caused Ops' wife to hinder his carrying of a firearm. happy wife = happy life, yes, but in this case she should consider the firearm to be not so... evil and harmful.

"She was always uncomfortable just knowing that I was carrying."

This preempted the birth of child #1...

What if she has always been an animal lover and decides that a 12' alligater is the perfect pet to have run around the house? You would be alright with that because she has always loved animals?

Or you have always loved cars so having a large block hemi sitting in the livingroom would be acceptable, her feelings be darned?

This has nothing to do with right or wrong and everything to do with conflict resolution. Saying that you are going to do such and such and that is the way it is will not get one what they want in the long run unless what they want is to have an ex...

 

[Colinb913]

This has nothing to do with right or wrong and everything to do with conflict resolution. Saying that you are going to do such and such and that is the way it is will not get one what they want in the long run unless what they want is to have an ex...

QFT.

 

[Spike_351]

"I own, I carry, deal with it." I would not advise this method though, worked for me but your situation may no fair so well with this method. Plus I don't have kids.

 

[Mosinguy]

I can't say I can help you, but I have made sure my girlfriend is around my guns to "loosen up" about them. She doesn't touch them, her excuse is she's afraid she'd break them. She has shot with her dad though, but he's not the nicest guy around (kills her rabbits for fun by chopping their heads off and throwing their carcasses around, slapping her, insulting her, etc.) . I'm thinking that because he's a douche and owns guns she might sorta assume I could be a douche since I have guns. It's a bad connection if it's true, but this only a hypothesis.

Well, maybe I did help you a little. Does your wife have any past bad experiences with guns? Maybe a horrible dad who couldn't treat her better if he tried owned guns and she's associating the gun ownership = douche with you? Maybe a close friend/relative took their life with a gun in the past?

 

[Birds Away]

Taking her around women shooters can be helpful. A lot of it is normalization. If she strikes up friendships with people who carry as a part of their lifestyle she will become more accustomed to it and it will seem more normal. Many of the ladies here on INGO get together from time to time. Maybe one of them would take her under their wing so to speak? Sometimes a person can become done deaf to their significant other just from overexposure. When they hear the same thing from others it sinks in.

 

[spec4]

Professional counseling. Especially in view of the fact that she is pregnant.