Perspective please

[Hammer]

I had issues with my X's parents. I refused to go over there or allow my child to spend the night there alone with them. I explained this to her and said I will not go over there for any reason but would not blame her for visiting them if she wished to do so, as it is her parents, but they are not mine.

 

[Aaron1776]

I was discussing this subject with a woman I greatly respect, and she mentioned something that didn't occur to me. My advice had been predicated upon the idea that normally people can work things out. However, if this man actually is such a control freak that he is trying to censor's people thoughts and speech, then there may very well be verbal abuse going on in that home. Please try to talk with your mother in law or have your wife talk to her and find out what is going on at home. If he is verbally abusive and won't play ball, I would start inviting the mother over without him, refuse to let my children go over there, and let him know that his antics will have to stop if he wants things to return to normal.

 

[Owen]

It's a tough issue. Your wife's feelings really matter here, how does she feel? As a married couple, your first responsibility is to each other. You need to find a solution with your wife that allows you the room to be a grown man worthy of respect and courtesy from her relatives and that allows her to spend time with her family. She wants you there, they always do. It is your responsibility to try to find something that works for you, and it is her responsibility to not pressure you to be in an unpleasant situation.

Personally, I like the idea of inviting them to your house and refusing to go there until FIL apologizes and pledges to treat you with respect.
Good luck

 

[Libertarian01]

To Hfdcowboy,

While I generally agree with "his house - his rules" I do not believe this is an absolute when it comes to all family functions. The premise that I marry a woman I love but when I am compelled by social courtesy to attend her family functions I must therefore only discuss topics of approval by someone there is what I take issue with.

If you and the other inlaw go off into a corner and talk quietly about the paintball, shooting or whatever who knows what will happen? You could wind up with nine (9) guys in the corner talking guns and leave the FIL all alone on his throne in the family room.

It sounds more like a control issue than a courtesy issue. What if he had a friend killed in a car accident? Does this mean no one can talk about cars or driving?

In all of this your wife must understand that you are her husband and not her fathers servant. I do think that social courtesy demands appropriate dress and decent language around children. After that family get togethers have always been (in my experience) a situation to argue pro union and anti union, pro farm subsidies and anti farm subsidies, etc etc etc. Someone always goes away shaking their head but we all come back next year. That is family.

I also think that if I invite a bunch of you over I don't get to control what is discussed unless we had a purpose to fulfill first, such as discussing our next INGO meetup. Once that purpose was fulfilled then the flow of conversation could go in a variety of directions some of which I would be very interested in and others of no interest whatsoever (ie. sports.)

Just my opinion of course.

Regards,

Doug

PS - For the record I am not married, divorced or have kids so take this for what it is worth, probably much less than my shackled collegues.